Barren Cock: "This is SUCH a LOSS!"

"Hello, it's Whispering Cock, with a somber special report. The "Tera-fying" porn actress is GONE. Yes, THE STARDUST IS GONE. This, only a few years after we lost "Static Electricity." And really, they were just the cutest couple.

"Tera, you might know, was the first woman to ever shoot a hardcore scene while her partner was getting a tattoo! WOW, that's a Guinness World Record. It's immortality. She may be gone but they can't take THAT away from her. She may have just been another porn slag, but before she retired she did something no other woman ever did, and that's impressive! Bill Hoobastank wanted so desperately to get her autograph, and pose with her. But you couldn't pose with Tera unless you were cool, and Bill ain't! He doesn't even have a tattoo, just shit stains in his ass crack.

Really, what IS sexier than tattoos? I mean, as long as you also do your hair and make-up nice, too.

"I've asked Shauna Cuntwell, over and over, if she'd at least stick her tongue out like Viley Virus so I could wipe my dick on it. I beg: please give me something better to do than open Amazon packages in front of a camcorder, and hoisting my blubbery blabber to GooTube! She keeps turning me down. Maybe if I had an adorable head of hair like Static? Maybe if we went out to some nice restaurant first and had a good meal? Nah, cheese sandwiches is good enough! And remember, never waste food!

"Tera, well, she DID retire from porn and fucking strangers when she married Static, so that's touching. Why, she was even there when he overdosed. He ate some of her prescribed oxycodone (and what doctor wouldn't prescribe it to such a stable, intelligent woman) and washed it down with booze.

"You can imagine how bad she felt, having him swipe some of her drugs when she could've done 'em. Anyway, she tried her best to keep going since that fateful day in November of 2014. Why, she even did a "sleeve tattoo" in tribute to him, and showed it on Farcebook. How romantic can you get? Oh, she could've gone back to porn, but look at that guy: That hair. That fat face. The chin whiskers. That vacant look in his eyes. The nose ring.

"Not that this was his only look. What a fun couple. They knew how to have a good time.

"Aren't you impressed with trailer trash white people who use a lot of hair spray and make-up, and do such amazing things as fuck strangers for money and play shitty music any jerks in a garage could play?

"Here's an odd thing. Like every bitch in the 21st Century, she was NOT really a porn STAR. I checked the various porn sites. The give-away torrents. Nobody's heard of her. Nobody cared that she died. Porn downloads routinely list the fake-name bitches but nobody says "Wow, gotta see THIS because SHE is my FAVORITE." Nope. They are all anonymous slags now, with tattoos, shaved twats, stupid pug noses with rings in them, garbage mascara, and of course, big fake bowling ball tits. BUT...

"Surely this tragedy will blow Bowie off the front pages once and for all. I'm gonna try and get Shauna to do some cover versions of Static's provocative music. and I'm gonna try and get Shauna to cover my short, squat little dick with her big wide yapping mouth. Bill can watch and gurgle and shit his nappy! Oh, listen everyone, there's always hope. I learned that from Bill. While he was changing his nappy, I realised...yes, yes, yes, the 21st century IS shite! And colorful shite, too. He had eaten a whole bunch of M&M's that day."