Monsignor Scanavino: "Ay, she's a slut. You crazy, you fuck-a heads!"

With strong words, a local priest told mourners that a white American girl was really just a stupid slut, and they weren't much better for not keeping her away from a drug-dealin' nigga.

But hey, in this-a Kardashian world-a, how you expect a white girl NOT to prize a nigga? Niggas are cool. They got all the drugs. They know how to treat a woman — like a whore. And women do like that!

According to creepy Giuseppe Creazzo, the "chief prosecutor" (he's the one with the tootsi-frootsi ice cream wagon and a monkey that dances when he plays the organ), Ashley Olsen was a dumb bitch who had consensual sex with a dumb violent nigga who, of course, can be forgiven. After all, like the chimp who ripped off a woman's face, these Africans just don't know any better. They're equal, but they don't know any better, that's all.

Cheik Tidiane Diaw came to Italy from Senegal, entitled to a better life: drugs and white women to rape. He be a play-uhh! He got dat ol' black magic!

According to the expert testimony of greasy Italians with pasta for brains, darlin' Ashley Olsen (no relation to the Olsen twin zombies) was looking for "one night, one night, one night, one night with a stranger." (I quote a song that ends, "the very last thing she saw was the sight of her own blood on the floor. She should'a known better." Thanks, Martin.)

How can you blame Ashley? She was just bored with her Eurotrash wop. She wanted something a little more dangerous. And big.

According to Fellini's Clowns...er, Italy's police detectives, Olsen was an "artist." She was living in Italy to be near her father, who is a professor of some sort. Her boyfriend? Oh, he DID come knockin' on her door soon after she was dead, but you know women. They get a little impatient if you leave 'em alone for any length of time, and don't constantly hand them money to throw away.

Who can blame her for picking up the nearest nigga and going native with sex and drugs.

At least, that's what our lovely immigrant Diaw says. The crazy white bitch was, no surprise desperate for "consensual sex" with a chimp. It wasn't HIS fault that he fractured her skull in two places.

He says that she was trying to get him out the door while her twat was still dripping, complaining that her boyfriend might show up. He was offended. "He felt taken advantage of," says his lawyer. So he beat the crap out of her. But then brought her beddie-bye, because she was still alive.

He denies that he strangled her with a cord.

And as for stealing her phone and inserting his own SIM card in it. Oh, weezy weezy jeezy jeezy. Know wuttum sayin'? Weezy weezy! And that's as good a defense as any, yo.

The "artist" Ashley croaked in the 6 or 8 hours before her lovable Italian greaseball and the landlord managed to unlock the door.

Once you go black, you never go back.

Happily, the ex-boyfriend and Daddy got a chance to hook up at the funeral, and exchange tips on how to adjust an electric razor to keep the beard at oh-so-cool grunge level.

Who do you feel sorry for?

a) The embarrassed priest who wonders why consenting adults can't be like 7 year-old boys.

b) The Italian cops, who get mad when crimes like this interfere with their Mafia pay-off meetings.

c) The victim.

d) The OTHER victim, the poor immigrant from Senegal.

e) The boyfriend who might not find a new American bitch for a few days, if not a week.

f) Professor Grunge, the man with the cool stubble and sunglasses, who thinks he might pass for 40, and looks up the skirts of just about every student in class.

g) NONE OF THE ABOVE