"I was inspired to buy this after I bought the David Bowie vinyl box set. My wife said, "Go fuck yourself, you incredible twit." And I thought, "OK, but it's back to Amazon to buy the dildo!" And then I pondered, for about seven or eight hours, is it better to go fuck myself for 10 minutes, or to keep my anus full for 10 hours? I mean, dildo vs butt plug? A fair question, innit?
"Shauna likes dildos. Bill likes butt plugs. I voted with my male bandmate, and I'm very glad I did. This RAGING HARDON is a thick one. Like me. The dick head is as rubbery as my own skull.
"I invited Bill to come over, grimace and drool on it, and once the butt plug was shiny with saliva, I labored mightily to take my clothes off, squatted and lowered myself (that took all morning) and finally the butt plug was all the way in. ALL the way; I felt like my double chin was now triple.
"OK, now what's an asshole to do? I had this thing lodged in, and now what? I tried to imagine myself as David Bowie, sitting in Jagger's lap. But I'm not the Thin White Duke, I'm the Big Fat Douche. I looked less like David Bowie and more like Meatloaf...Meatloaf in a constipated strain on the toilet, trying to push out a chip butty he'd swallowed whole.
"I searched around the mossy, sparse pubes that resemble my bristly warthog-like neck hairs, and finally located what seemed like a few soggy, gravy-coated giblets and an overcooked chicken neck. That's exactly what they were. Well, I always was a sloppy eater! Finally I located my cock. But by then, I was in trouble!
"The butt plug had stretched my anus so much I was bleeding. I had my headphones on, and as I shit the butt plug out, and my anus gaped, rimmed in blood, I coincidentally heard "In the Hall of the Crimson King." Ah, the soundtrack to my abject and assholish unholy failure; Fripp's ironic revenge on me!
"I don't like to give bad reviews to my Amazon prizes, so I'll just say the RAGING HARDON butt plug might simply not be my size. I waddled over to Shauna's for a tampon. Which was my size. It did a good job on the blood.
"Why do make such a repulsive public confession? As you've noticed from all my GooTube videos, I have a masochistic streak! I tend to humiliate myself by grimacing, whispering, and apologizing for my ineptitude. I'm usually looking woefully into the camera from what is obviously not a professional studio but some wanker's bathroom or walk-in closet. But as long as I get a few hundred views, the embarrassment is worth it, and I can consider myself famous.
"I'm stubborn, too. So watch for my next GooTube video! I'm expecting these items to arrive from Amazon any day now. I will try them all out and report on them in depth!"
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