Nobody cares about Heart, Joan Jett or Cheap Trick

What's a sure sign that a rock act isn't popular?

GROUPON.

If you need to (toilet) paper the house, you've tanked.

Is it really a surprise that nobody wants to pay to watch obese women stomp around a stage, croaking songs that were forgettable 30 years ago?

For a split second, you might think, "Oh, well, $20 or $30 for nostalgia? Why not. I'll sit in a comfortable venue, maybe there won't be too many assholes shouting "Woo hoo," and there won't be a jerk standing up in delerium every time one of the Wilson sisters wafts a pussy fart."

It turns out the venue is some hideous stadium in the middle of nowhere. And it's for the middle of summer when just walking outside to hail a cab could make you feel dizzy.

Remember when these three acts were actually hot? There was a time when you might've gone to see Heart or Joan Jett because their vaginal antics seemed cute or dangerous. Their music was generally garbage, and nothing you could play too many times without becoming very bored.

Cheap Trick? They were a trick. Half the band was "cute" for the girls, and then you had the overgrown Huntz Hall asshole on guitar, and the fat Mexican behind the drums. Come to think of it, it really was a pretty cheap trick. The lead singer was snotty and annoying, and he almost ruined halfway decent punk songs like "Surrender" with it. They made maybe two good albums (which is two more than most rock groups) but there's really no reason they've stayed around this long, except their fan base is overgrown adolescent pimple-brains, a few Zappa-heads and some now very obese groupies.

Groupon? A discount? In the days when I was getting free promo tickets I would've said, "No thanks" to this one, and that was when these groups were still in their prime.

Groupon has let the world know that there are three bands touring limbo and purgatory, and in July, playing a beach outside of burning blazing New York City, they will be in hell.