"Imagine! I actually went to Kickstarter and begged people to PAY me so I could read the book. And nobody is watching me read the book! Don't people know what "entertainnment" is??
"Jesus Fucking Christ. Look at the production values! There I am, so big and fat I fill up a lot of the screen. You don't have to squint to see me. If you get bored looking at my face you can scope the cluttered room and my retarded friend. He has a low attention span for shitting his pants and keeps going to change his underwear.
"You don't just see a black screen or a picture of Jane Austen, you get SO much to see! That's value for Kickstarter money innit?
"I'm beside myself. Or so it looks.
"Yes, I knew when I started the Kickstarter campaign that there were already plenty of free mp3 downloads of "Pride and Prejudce," as well as GooTube videos from audio book readers. I just thought it ain't over till the fat lady starts monotonously reciting some shit.
"I'm so upset at my poor ratings, so I'm doing something to raise my profile. I mean besides using a derrick.
"Since my duets with Barren Cock haven't done anything yet, I'm taking extreme measures. I'm going to BBW websites and showing off my naked body, complete with self-drawings on my tits and belly!
"BBW" means "Big Beautiful Women." In my case it also means "Big Boned Walrus."
"Oops, if you look close, you see that "streaming" is not just something I do on GooTube. I'm a bit incontinent. I also am a bit like a continent. There's miles and miles of dirt road, especially up my butt crack. And my friend's bed is taking the piss!
"Yes, I'm not just a pretty face! On my tits I've drawn microscope replicas of radioactive mad cow disease brain cells. On my belly is a social disease.
"The red lines below my navel aren't stretch marks. They're scratches. A rat crawled toward my twat, went into a panic from the smell, and then dug its claws in as it scrambled around, trying not to sink into my belly fat and suffocate.
"The photo was taken in a friend's apartment. He has a bed. I'm not used to being on one. I live in a stable and sleep standing up in a stall.
"I did decorate the wall for my photo shoot. I brought a poster of the GOOD movie version of "Pride and Prejudice." I also put up my signed and framed copy of "Dark Side of the Moon." It wasn't signed by a band member, just an ugly drummer named Adie. He's as close to a rock star as I've gotten. Ozzy once bit off a bat's head. Adie once sucked three ounces of gooey white shit from a pigeon's arse.
"Speaking of Pink Floyd, Roger Waters is a genius. He's also got a good idea about putting Jews in ovens. I'd say 350 degrees for about 45 minutes, basted lightly with kosher wine. Yum! If I was around during WW2 I could've eaten one each day as a snack. Those Jews were mostly bones anyway. What are the variations? I think they have three types: Orthodox, Reformed and Crunchy.
"The most astonishing thing about the nude photos is that I didn't start a Kickstarter campaign and ask someone else to pay for them. I found a lovely woman named Cilla who took them for me. She's a wedding photographer but wanted to increase her portfolio so she might get some work from National Geographic.
"I bet my nude poses will draw attention to my GooTube readings. It's also possible it will draw a few dustmen to the house and they might cart me away, but I'll take the risk."
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