The New York Times: HE CHANGED OUR LIVES!!!!!

Yes, no less a newspaper than The New York Times, has joined the Post, Daily Fail, and the Drag Queen Gazette in declaring that a pop star with a few hit records "CHANGED OUR LIVES."

The Times declared that he CHANGED OUR LIVES in so many ways, it was exhausting to read through everybody's "HE CHANGED MY LIFE" letters. It seems everyone wanted to push him out of the spotlight so they could be the center of attention. How...BOWIE of them!

The Times breathlessly began: "Some said he helped them come out as gay; others said his music provided comfort during challenging times. Mr. Bowie forged bonds between parents and children and sparked lifelong friendships. He helped his followers embrace their individualism..."

You can't say that about anyone else. Bowie was, what, the first star on the planet to announce he was gay? When did he even do that? Didn't Elton reluctantly admit it first, and dozens of others? Didn't The New York Dolls take it a step further? And did people think The Velvet Underground was a band full of straights?

Nevermind. On and on it goes. More and more tributes.

Hey, New York Times, go fawn over Mark David Chapman, next. He changed our lives, too.

Frankly, what half-assed rock star CAN'T claim to have changed a bunch of lives? By the Times' low standard, anyone who "provided comfort during challenging times" is some kind of savior. That low, low bar would include Jimmy Buffett and Josh Groban and of course, ADELE and even Justa Beeper. Christ, think of all the people who cherish The Monkees and can sing every line of "Daydream Believer."

Do you need more of these lame submissions from losers out to grab 15 minutes of fame?

Are you building your Bowie statue out of Legos yet?

Are you naming your next kid ZOWIE?

All I can say about how he ch-ch-ch-CHANGED our lives, is to quote three of the most brilliant musicians on the planet.

BILL HOOBASTANK: "Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle..." The translation being, "I never got a chance to buy an autograph or stand near him, but I did stand near a waxworks dummy of him, and I had to ch-ch-ch-change my nappy after!"

BARREN COCK: "What proves my devotion more than buying his latest album and training a camcorder on myself and showing how to open the envelope, and what the booklet looks like? A hushed cover version of "Heroes," of course! Thanks to David Bowie, I learned that anyone can be a raving egomaniac. You just need the nerve to think you're great, and SOME people will pay attention!"

SHAUNA CUNTWELL: "He changed from man to woman to some kind of thing, and back. Wow! He was in bed with drunken women, Asian women, black women, and even a woman who looked like Mick Jagger. I loved that song about him, "Bowie and the Jets." It was about how he looks really keen, and he wears boots and great costumes, and looks like a rocket man and stuff. The song was about how it doesn't matter what you sing as long as you wear great gear on stage. He's changed my life because from now on I won't bother worrying about my tinny singing, my lack of personality, or my boring banter. I'm just going to shave my twat and stand in front of a gigantic magnifying glass so everybody can see it. I'll be the greatest example of a twat on stage since...Bowie himself!"

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Are we done yet?

The GOOD news, Angie, is that "The Stardust" is DUST. He has been CREMATED.

So how many days will we have to endure before this crap comes to an end?

"The answer my friend, is Bowie in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind."