They're CELEBRITIES - DUCK!

Even celebrities have trouble connecting. After all, the Kardashians and Jenners are servicing most of the Negroes in the entire California area. Other superstars, like Viley Virus and Icky Minaj, confuse guys by also claiming to be attracted to women, dildos, and women with dildos. And so, from the "Ashley Madison Duckface Celebrity Dating" site, some prime stars pose and describe their interests.

CHLOE SEVIGNY

"Hello, I'm Cloying. And my IQ is Seventy. So call me Cloying Seventy. I became famous for giving a Blowie-job in a revoltingly-titled movie called "The Brown Bunny." While doing it, a brown bunny came out. I've since started wearing Depend undergarments, on the advice of fan named Bill Hoobastank, who gave me $20 to pose with him, and shit his nappy at the same time.

"In our blowjob culture, it's important for women to pose looking like they enjoy sucking off Shetland ponies. My pucker tells guys that my mouth can be as tight as my ass. And that my breath is questionable. Don't I look SEXY in this photo??

"Do I look like a man in drag? Oh well, a lot of metrosexual men like to know that a girl's asshole and mouth look the same. Ha ha ho ho hee hee, I'm an asshole with a woman's mouth! You'd think I wouldn't have to be on a dating website, but people HAVE seen "The Brown Bunny." Enough said.

HEIDI KLUM

"Hello, dahlings! Und vat iss Hairy Clam doing on a dating website? For one thing, letting everyone know that I am now shaving my twat! I don't even have that "Hitler mustache" or "landing strip" as they call it. I douche with pickle juice and slap the juice all over my crotch. It makes my twat pucker just like this!

"Yes, we "sexy" models love to pretend a mouth can resemble a twat or an anus. In my case, after the pickle juice, my twat does shrivel more like an anus. This used to help me attract black guys. Black guys love to ass fuck, and they won't do a blow job unless your mouth looks kind of anus-like or like Kanye glowering at reporters. You remember that Seal-guy I was married to? He looked like a scratched-up mahogany walking stick.

"Oh, I know I should not say bad things about my ex. Not even that his face resembles a flattened cow pie with a few more fissures and crevices from where the maggots were eating fatty bits. Well, you do expect scat references from a German, don't you? Consider ticking my box and going out on a date, because since I shave regularly, my box has no ticks hiding in my pubes.

"I'm so used to people thinking I'm sexy, I make stupid faces to turn them off. But seriously, I purse my lips to show that I do give head. After all I'm "Heidi Klum" (Which translates as "Hide your Clam"). My twat was banged out of shape by Seal, and my asshole now resembles a charity-shop change purse, yawning open all black and dusty with bits of lint on the sides and a few old coins in there somewhere. So here I am posing like a Blowie-job specialist. So stare at my lips! After all, my tits were never that big."

JANICE DICKINSON

"Hello! Have you heard of me? If not, check "Media Whore" in a dictionary and see my picture. I am famous for whining about how celebrities raped me. In other words, if I don't see some money under my pillow in the morning, it's rape! A while ago, when I was merely ugly, but not that old, I was screeching about game show host Bob Barker. Then when I became ugly AND old, I suddenly recalled that Bill Cosby fucked me and didn't pay me, or show me around like he would a bitch at the Westminster Dog Show.

"Yes, I'm trying to attract the smelly redneck hunters of the "Duck Dynasty" reality show. They go off into the bushes and hunt for duck. Well, when I show off my bush, they'll definitely duck. That's why I'm making a blowjob face. I want guys to know that they don't have to shove it up my worn-out quack. I'll gladly suck off just about anyone. But remember, if I don't get paid, I'll get my lawyer, and if you want to see a real CUNT, you just take a look at the kind of hideous twat that would represent ME!"

EVA MENDES

"Hola! (That means "HOLE" in Spanish). It's me, some puta or other. Some Taco Belle, with a twat that looks like a worn-out taco somebody stepped on.

"You can't tell me from the other Latina actresses (ie, scrubwomen who got lucky). We're all the same. We have the same hummus complexion as our Muzzie sisters, just spicier. We do the anus-lip face to assure guys that they don't have to undress us to unload some spuzz. And we have accents almost as thick as our dough-hard brains.

"What IS a sexier look than turning a mouth into an anus? I sure don't know the answer to that. But I also don't know how much two and two is. I don't know math at all. I can't tell you how many times Kanye goes into Kim. I'm on this dating site to offer a compromise between gruesome black women and slutty chalk-colored white girls. I'm like a toasted burrito, a lovely shade of tan. I just make sure to daub pink lipstick on my twat-mouth, and scrunch it tight, to make it seem like the edges have moles, warts or shit stains. These are all things that excite Mexican men! They excite you, too, si? No? Que Lastima!"

CAMRYN MANHEIM

"Hi guyyyyyysss! FAT is the new BLOB! Have you noticed that bulging bints have become the rage? We sure know how to rage. We are against fat shaming. We are against name-calling. We are against the sides of buildings because we get tired waddling down the street.

"One thing about fatties like me is we have NO class. None at all. We're PROUD of being blobulent wads of goo. The good thing is that we do have plenty of ass, which means we can always get black guys. Some of us even have decent tits. So you can consider somebody like ME to be your own personal Bouncy Castle. That is, if you can stand my idea of a sexy pose, which involves the anus-lip look. Am I a girl or a gargoyle or a girl who gargles with Olive Oil? We fatties make a mockery of sexuality, and if you aren't turned on we get angry and stamp our feet and cause earthquakes.

"Look, today's fatties are bulging all over the place, from Carnie Wilson to Adele to Amy Schumer to Queen Latifah to Kirstie Alley and Kelly Clarkson and SO many more Kentucky Fried Chumps, Burger Queens and 200-pounders-with-cheese. I'm unapologetic. I'm also unfuckable, which is why I show you the kissy-lip face. I might not be able to move into position to have actual sex, but you can grab me by the back of the head and slam my mouth onto your cock and I'll holster it down my throat. Just watch out I don't literally eat it whole!"