"I'm tired of getting so few hits for my scintillating "consumer" reviews on YouTube. When I spend five minutes opening up an Amazon package, and giving my opinion on how well a "torch" lights up, or whether there are enough extras in a David Bowie box set, I expect hundreds of nice comments!
"When I put headphones on and listen to a 40 minute album, telling you softly, with many a grimace, grin and eye-roll, what I think about what I'm hearing, I do NOT expect you to shut me off after 60 seconds!
"I've tried being humble, and admitting I'm a potato-headed nattering nuisance, and that I have some nerve being a local loser pretending to be a TV personality. That hasn't worked. So I have no alternative but to GO for the GLAM.
"I have naturally dark eyelids so it looks like make-up anyway. I've pinched a clip on my nose to thin it. I think I look prettier and I certainly talk snottier. And you thought I was an opinionated twat before!?
Notice how I've adopted a Dame Judi squint of disdain. I'm almost as chunky as she is so I don't think I need silicone in my boobs. But yes, I'll augment my basic black wardrobe with sequins. If I go through with my change, I'll buy a wig, and have a doctor transfer my chin stubble to my naked pubes. Yes, on Shauna's recommendation I tried electrolysis. It only made me look like I dropped lumpy vanilla pudding in my lap.
"I realize a sex change will compromise my group, Toothpicks and That. If it has a man, a woman and a tranny, the name might have to change. Maybe to "Peter, Appalling and Mary?" I'll work on that.
"I have not officially decided if I actually will have a complete sex change, or just be some kind of freak with too much of both and not enough of neither (in which case, call me CAITLYN LOCK). Or I might just say "Ha, early April Fool's joke" and return to being just an oaf. The important thing is to call attention to myself! I trust I've done that? Or do I need to start a Kickstarter campaign to get people to buy shit from me? Or maybe I should make an hour-long YouTube video singing about my plight, with guest backing guitar-plinks from Knickerless Pain?"
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