BARREN COCK: THE ONE MAN WHO AIN'T CONCERNED WITH MUSLIMS

Muslims? North Korea? Climate Change? Corruption? The Royals Wasting Money? Iain Duncan Smith Being Insane?

None of that matters to a few Brits who have the SECRET for cocooning themselves in cozy fantasy.

There's "Lord of the Boot Sale," who simply putters around buying second-hand garbage, like a pigeon pecking at any stale bit of bread. If he can trundle it home, play it on his turntable, then monotonously up it to his blog with the phrase "this did not chart," he can live out his days quite nicely. Oh, what a surprise it'll be when he's stricken with cancer, or a Muzzie slices his throat open.

Then there's BARREN COCK, who busies himself on another part of the free Internet: GooTube. Oh, he COULD be a "gamer" and play "Assassin's Creed" or "Legend of Zelda" all day. He could be in a "Star Wars" chat room. But he's strumming the chords of fame: having a Goo Tube channel where he shows off anything he bought on Amazon, from a torch to any ordinary CD, and muse about the batteries or the booklet, in that mouse-fart voice of his. Once local "Pubic Access" cable TV was where a lunatic like him would dwell, but GooTube has enabled and entitled thousands of idiot nobodies into delusions of stardom.

His latest effort? He unbelievably figured people would like to watch this fat-faced moron ad-lib opinions while he listens with headphones on to all 48 minutes of Bowie's latest album. What riveting entertainment!

He didn't get a promo copy of the BOWIE CD, but that's ok, it's a tax deduction, since he's using it for a "review." He thinks he's a "star" because a few hundred owlets blinked at his post for a minute and turned it off. Maybe they waited till he actually opened the package, and showed what the booklet looks like. But when he announced he'd listen to it and NOT (due to copyright) even play it for anyone else to hear, just comment on what he thought of it, they all moved on to something else.

Would you like to sit next to some asshole on a bus who sings along to what he's listening to? Or, with headphones on, repeats what he's hearing on a football broadcast? Didn't think so!

Barren Cock simply lives his fantasy life, happy to ignore politics, world upheaval, or even the Kardashians. All he does is use up his day posting his utterly unimportant and unimpressive natterings to YouTube, while giving his wife and kids what they want most...time away from him.

Stupid people are lucky, aren't they, in that they never read a newspaper, and never worry about anything but if the camcorder is running or if the charity shop 45 can play without a skip. They impress people even more feeble-minded than themselves, and would keep right on posting even if they got ZERO hits and ZERO feedback. They aren't even alive. They aren't suffering from any "quiet desperation" in their obscure locations, because they are too zomboid to even think of what they're doing with the time they have left. They exist in a pathetic delerium, a kind of self-hypnosis. All that matters to these dung beetles is that they add more crap to their collections of garbage.

I discovered, glimpsing public access cable years ago, that there's no shortage of completely bonkers egotists who enjoy living out their fantasy that they're David Letterman or Graham Norton, and that they can deliver a weekly monologue, without even writers, and people will sit and watch. THEY have nothing better to do so they figure others are similarly afflicted. And now? Jesus, YouTube has absolutely no shortage of pathetic fools singing cover versions of their favorite songs, or ranting their opinions.

A blobby pudding like Darren might actually do this under the notion he'll be "discovered" and get his own chat show, or newspaper column.

Or maybe his fantasy is that he'll get to "star" on a TV documentary, something similar to the usual reality show fair: "People With Awful Bodies," "Insane Gits Who Need Professional Help" or "Laughable Train Wrecks and Hot Messes."

Some morning show that focuses on crazed eccentrics MIGHT be ready for a tedious drone?

"Last week we showed you adult babies, and visited an old lady who collects spoons — in her anus. The week before that, we interviewed three members of the "We Love Living in Grimsby" club and profiled fat men who want to look like Adele. Our special attraction was a man who turns up in public parks to stand on a soapbox, urinate down his trouser leg, and shout a passionate defense of Gary Glitter and Rolf Harris. This week, we bring you a senile old fart who collects thousands of 45's that all sound the same to him and "did not chart," and a fatso who has a thousand GooTube videos where he opens Amazon.com packages to show people what he bought, and puts on headphones and tells people about what he's listening to. Please don't turn the channel. We'll also be showing a Kardashian wardrobe malfunction and have a song from Bruce Forsyth!"