"I vas zo lucky! I read der Disgusted blog, und how Horst could get a Whore! Yah! I think to mein self, maybe I should squirt some hot fat from mein schnitzel, und hire a real New York whore, like da real tourists do!
"I valk along der 8th avenue, und I use mein laptop to check der Craigslist und I see de ads in der free noose peppers, too. Und I found a budget bimbo. Mein leibling! Such a beauty! I vas in awe! Best of all, der dumplings on der chest! Yah!"
"She had a room in der Times Square hotel dat rents by de hour, zo mit dat, und her fee...vell...all I could afford vas to do it myself while she vent topless und looked into der camera for me! Vatta souvenir! She refused to look at mein face, but who can blame her?
"I shprinkled mein pubes mit der sausage sauce, said DANKE SCHOEN, and waddled out to take der bus back up to 103rd Street. All de vay back on der bus, people were glaring at me mit disgust, shaking dere heads. It turned out I forgot to zip my fly. Oh, vas I embarrassed!
"Der big surprise vas dat dey could see mein schmuck. Mein schmuck in mein open pants is like der pea in der pod. How did everybody see it from der seats across from me?
"Der next morning I rode der bus und thought I vas again exposed. How disappointed I vas. My fly vas zipped, but shtill, I got dere glares of disgust, and everybody shaking der heads. Dey act like dey never saw a 300 pound squinty middle-aged load of Horst before!
"Mein question for today: do I go to der cash machine und get more money for der whore, or go back to der Apple store und play mit da new products? Ach, both give me equal pleasure..."
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