How is it possible? Didn't he just put out a new album? Wasn't he seen blithely walking his dog or his black, fashion-model wife? How has our world COME TO AN END???
The response to the demise of that "musical chameleon," that "superstar," that "weirdo with the fucked up eye" has been almost at the level of a terrorist attack.
Or as a stereotypical British police officer would say "WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?"
Jesus Christ, David Cameron didn't have anything better to do than instantly Tweet about this Earth-shaking news.
He's getting hundreds of "LIKES" at this very moment, but not as many "LIKES" as Fiona Winchester, a news reader for Heart FM Radio, who announced the headline, "David...CAMERON has died." Before correcting herself.
Poor Camoron. There he was, shoving his dick into the mouth of the latest dead, cooked pig that arrived courtesy of Iain Duncan Smith, and he lost his stiffy. Bowie? Dead? Ziggy Stardust crashing to dust? Say it isn't so!
What two words go together best? "POP GENIUS." That invokes the pretender Andy Warhol, and the androgyne idiot Michael Jackson. Can we admit that if your work is POP it is not likely to be GENIUS?
"HUGE LOSS," Camoron? You mean, you were listening to that latest album of sludge? You bought the album before that? I think not. This is not a loss at all. It might've been a loss back in 1979, when there was some possibility he could toss off some disposable song to rival "Ch-ch-ch-changes" or "Heroes," but we know better now. Even Elton and Macca, who are older, and still active, aren't writing new material that matters. The only "loss" is to your bank account if you buy the newest one that they insist is the "best" they've done in years.
In New York, where Bowie chose to live instead of GREAT BRITAIN, Rupert Merde-Ox's rag The New York Post scrambled to find heavy, famous names to quote on this tragedy of epic proportions.
They couldn't very well direct people to Potato-head Darren Cock's grunty "tribute" GooTube video where he sings "Aeros" in a sugary-sweet chocolate voice.
No, The Post found such famous, important twats as Frances Bean (ooh, her parents are the Naked and the Dead) and the Queen of Progrock herself, LATOYA JACKSON. Not to mention some actress, some jerk who is going out with a boring comedienne, and a near-death drug comedian named Chong.
IF I'M BEING HONEST, what kind of D-list is THAT?
The Post couldn't scroll around Twatter and Farcebook and find bigger names?
At this point, everyone is scrambling to get some publicity out of this. Even the Rolling Stones issued some bland statement through their publicist. As if Mick and Keith couldn't say something on their own.
IF I'm STILL BEING HONEST, Bowie was, is, and now was again, one of the most unimportant rock stars on this or any other planet. "Space Oddity." OK, not a bad song at all, even if this frozen-eyed androgynous twit stole Anthony Newley's singing style.
"Suffragette City?" Yeah, an ok bit of smut. Really, Elton John wrote dozens of jeery bits of sauce like this. He just didn't end "yer sister can't dance but she can rock and roll" with a faggy squeal of "wham bam thank you ma'am." Which was more likely, "oh, joy, thank you, boyyyyyys."
Come on, let's be real. Bowie may have influenced fashion, but when it came to androgyne homo-erotic trendy nonsense, didn't the Velvet Underground arrive first? At this point, who the fuck cares about that artsy-fartsy era of Bryan Ferry, Lou Reed, or Bowie? Between them, they just have a lot of dated albums and very few actual hits. Reed? "Walk on the Wild Side" and what else? Bowie? That space-monkey shit, and if you want, "Fame" with Lennon who has been dead 35 fucking years. 35 fucking years ago was the last time Bowie mattered. Anyone want to deny that?
Here's insane REVISIONIST HISTORY. Today's Daily Snooze has the nerve to headline the front page as if a fucking minor rock star influenced the culture of the entire country!
How NUTS is that? How irresponsible and ridiculous is that? Millennials are being told that a fairly obscure rock star who was nowhere near the level of Streisand or Sinatra or even Elton Fucking John at the time, influenced the sex lives of 200 million people? WE know better.
Bowie's records were hardly even in the windows of record stores. Anyone remember that bit of truth? Yeah, we heard, many years later, of Bowie and Jagger being caught in bed by Angie the woman who wanted to see her book become a best seller. So? Even then, Bowie's name wasn't the hook. It was Jagger. Bowie influential to the sex lives of a nation? If that was true, then after "China Girl," every white guy would've been putting his fingers to the sides of his eyes, making the stereotypical "slanty" look (that he did in the rock video) and every Millennial on the planet would be half-Asian. No. David Bowie did NOT have such an influence on the sexual habits of the world.
I get that we LOVE to grieve, but let's stop lying. Isn't it enough to say that a pop star died and his fans are unhappy? Do we have to pretend this was a POP GENIUS and one of the greatest musicians of the past 50 years? At most funerals, you'll hear, "He was a beloved father...son..." whatever. They don't say, "He was a genius, he was one of the greats, he is immortal, his work will live on forever..."
Here's an irony. The best quotes have come from Iman, who offered some wisdom in Tweets she made as her husband was fading away. SHE didn't offer bilge about how this guy is an immortal, and that "China Girl" would live on forever, and he was a POP GENIUS. Her humble observances included this:
"Life isn't about avoiding the bruises. It's about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it." And this: "Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory." These, before she died, as she was coping. And no, she didn't do a Yoko "Go outside and breathe on a tree and tell it to seek the wind."
"Suffer-twat City" is what you can call New York at the moment, and London. In both towns, temporarily, we're suffering twats spontaneously running around crying and leaving flowers on the sidewalk and in front of murals, apartments, or fire hydrants.
Cry, cry, cry, so that somebody might take your picture and you can be FAMOUS on the website for the Daily Fail:
"SUFFER-TWAT CITY" for sure, right? How did they headline the news today, oh boy? No boys, just twats. Just ridiculous teary-eyed cows standing around like they just heard about 7/7 or 9/11.
Come on, cunts, did any of you notice if Bowie was dead or alive for the past TWENTY YEARS? Was he quoted in the papers? Was he performing anything worth hearing? Aren't you going back to your hairless-pubed childhoods to remember a time when you were so naive you thought his stuff was good?
And how about the DAILY FAIL, calling this guy Ziggy? Come on, how long ago was THAT? "Ziggy" died? What, you mean the shit-kicker in the Deja Vu forum who rubs himself off against a tractor?
If there is any importance to this guy at all, it's that he popularized the androgyne look, and even had Jagger, Iggy, and a bunch of other clowns wearing eye-makeup and flirting with cock-sucking. But as Amanda Lear once told me, Jagger and Bowie and Ferry were not, in her opinion, "intellectual" at all, "just interested in picking up tricks."
This might well be true, considering that most of what you've ever read about Bowie was a) that he was in bed with Jagger, b) that he could look male or female, and c) that he liked to walk around his apartment exposing his "long, pendulous cock." I don't think his giddy ex-wife Angie spent a lot of time reporting on this guy studiously writing lyrics and crossing stuff out and sweating to get a line JUST RIGHT. In fact, the one time I met her socially, she was loud and over-served on something or other. At least she wasn't claiming to be an intellectual, which would've made her seem like quite a phony.
It's been a while since any big-name rock idiot has croaked (don't say LEMMY) and so this Suffer-twat City nonsense will go on all day, till every superstar and D-lister has Twatted and Farcebooked a comment. Certainly it IS a shock, that this guy was seen in public quite often, put out a new album, and suddenly is announced as dead. But it helps that he was always looking like he was about to die of some disease or other, so as gaunt as he looked, that was normal for him.
As you can guess, my collection on this guy is limited to his "Greatest Hits" and maybe somewhere I have "Heroes" lying around in a folder of CDs. It's been a long time since I intentionally played anything by him.
To all the teary-twats today, I am sincerely sorry you didn't get the "wham bam, thank you ma'am" from him that you wished. Too bad you weren't speared by his "long, pendulous cock" each and every one. You can only imagine being Angela, Iman or Jagger. Or a soup can. Or the sleeve of a Karl Lagerfield fur coat, or whatever else he fucked.
At least he lived past his birthday, and I'm sure somebody somewhere is snickering at some headline that reads: "David Bowie Died at 69." Yeah, it could've happened 40 years ago when he was in bed with Jagger.
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