GRAHAM MURRAY SELLS ON EBAY - A SALTY HAG

What a day.

Most of it was spent downloading a new OS system. You know what FUN that is, discovering what apps are outdated, what "improvements" are aggravating, and what isn't working.

Fortunately, it wasn't long before I was back to important things like Net surfing.

I discovered that I just MISSED winning that Graham Murray painting on eBAY.

IF ONLY I'd bid more than 150 pounds.

PS, this is a dead painter named Graham Murray. The works of dead painters fetch more than live ones. So it was, that someone suggested to a still-living painter named Graham Murray, "Here then, why don't you kill yourself? It'll improve the price of yer paintings, and everyone will be a lot better off without you."

His response was to point out that among utter fools, his paintings are highly treasured. He was even asked to come up with art for the download booklet for "A SALTY HAG."

Yes, speaking of 150 pounds, here's model Amy Wagstaff-Wetone as the hideous sea creature that nearly pulls a trawler afloat.

Explains Matthew Fisher, "Bazza Gooker and his pal, Fright Horn, decided to re-do the album I produced for Boko Haram years ago. This time, THEY would play all parts, plus have a cover band fill in on the instruments they can't play, like an organ. Gooker and Horn have tried, but their organs doesn't seem to work. They can't get 'em to do anything."

The theme of the album is how a ship suffers a "Wreck of the Hesperus" disaster, thanks to a huge ugly green mermaid that suddenly butts in on them. The live concert, recorded at Butt-In's, was attended by so few people, the legendary critic Dried Baby felt sorry for them: "They're doing worse than Wendy James," he laughed.

This IS a group that constantly re-issues their old albums, re-masters them again and again, adds one or two bogus "bonus tracks" everyone has, and expects people to care. Adding to the misery, there are always "new" verbose album notes from their pushy pretentious twit webmaster who is so dull he makes Barren Cock seem interesting.

Since NOBODY wants to buy NEW material from them, for the past TEN fucking years they've issued nothing but "live concert" albums of their droning sound-alike shows in the Netherlands, Nether Regions, Nether Worlds, and Nether toilets in obscure Belgium whore houses. These things have been made available as downloads only, available at the website only, and bought by maybe a dozen fans, only.

Bazza can be heard head-butting the microphone at Butt-In's, sounding like a goat (and looking like one, too). A bit different from the previous tedious live albums, this time he offered up new lyrics to the old tunes. As he has antagonized his former partner Teeth Greed, he had no choice but to write the words himself. They are as much fun as a Nigerian bloodbath.

Among the cuts on A SALTY HAG:

A SALTY HAG (in which Amy shows her twat: "No mortal place at all.")

THE MILK OF INHUMAN BLOODY MINDEDNESS (Bazza turns down an offer by Addled Savage to play drums)

TOO MUCH BETWEEN US (in which Barren Cock explains to his wife why their genitalia can't connect)

THE DEVIL CAME ON CAN ASS (The moment when Barren Cock sneaks away from his wife and wanks a load on Amy's butt. Barren didn't even have to be in Amy's bedroom, as most of her butt hangs out the window.)

BOREDOM (Gooker lists by name the handful of fans who still care about his band)

JUICY SHAUNA PINK (Lusting for a girl nearly 4 time his age, Gooker sings about wanting to get some Irish tea in his mouth. But actually sings he wants Irish T-W-A-T.)

WRECK OF THE HESPERUS (Geoff Fright Horn shows a picture of himself taking a bath)

ALL THIS AND MORON (Recounting a photo taken of a D-list celeb with Bill Hoobastank).

CRUCIFICTION LANE (Describes Amy's clogged rectum, which Barren tried to plug but ended up howling "Jesus Christ, it feels like I've got nails up my piss hole!")

PILL-HEAD'S PROGRESS (In which the entire album is gleefully bootlegged by Christer the Blister, who Photoshops R. Crumb goofy faces onto poor Graham Murray's artwork and demands "mice comments." Ie, little squeals of joy)

Says Gooker, "I'm the last man standing, me and Fright Horn, and we vow to keep the band going even if nobody cares. We hope to follow Wendy James all over the cunt...er, country...to prestigious gigs that have seating for at least 20 or 30 people, as well as one stalker. We also play at least two gigs every summer in Finland, or Auschwitz.

Meanwhile Barren and Amy are hoping to become the opening act. Says Amy, "Look at me, bending over and straining, my knickers around my ankles. I'm opening my anus as wide as I can to lay...A WIDER SHIT in a PAIL."

Graham Murray has offered to use the shit for a sepia-toned painting of a trawler sinking at the Grimsby dock. "It'll either appear on eBay," he brags, "or a charity shop in Hull."