"It's BILL HOOBASTANK, movie fan!
"I'm a BIG movie fan! All my friends are impressed by how many celebrity autographs I've bought, and my collection of photos I took of celebrity graves, and of course, my HUGE collection of pix of me standing next to D-listers.
"I feel like a celebrity myself. Here's ME! I have this silly, expectant grin on my face, like a baby that just shit its nappy and is PROUD OF IT. Ooops. I actually did.
"I always carry my nappy bag with me!
"Did you notice my tattoo? You always get a rubber stamp on the back of your hand when you go to cheesy memorabilia shows, and I figured, since I'm ALWAYS going to them, why not just make it permanent? So I did!
"You know that I worship people who aren't even stars? I've paid to have my picture taken with the DAUGHTER of Boris Karloff, and the DAUGHTER of Vincent Price, and some guy who built the Batmobile, and somebody who was inside the Chewbacca costume. Well, below you see that I also worship inanimate objects!
"I went to an auction of MEMORABILIA, ooooh, and I SAW pieces of PAPER! I wet myself so often I almost ran out of spare adult diapers. I had to cadge around and ask women if they had feminine napkins in their purses.
"LOOKIE!
"Marilyn Monroe's Military ID card!
"WOW! Grace Kelly WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEBODY! AND I GOT TO SEE IT! Why, considering my social security, and pension working as a librarian in a law office, I could buy it if the bidding doesn't go beyond, oh, five or ten thousand dollars.
"Hee hee! Sorry the pix are yellowy. A guard told me if I took flash pictures it might hurt the precious paper, and he'd knock my teeth down my throat. I told him he didn't have to threaten me. I've had my teeth knocked down my throat many, many times. My dentist just waits for me to hand him a huge pile of shit with teeth in it, and he manages to glue everything back in place every time.
"I know we can all watch "Psycho" any time we want, thanks to DVDs and streaming video and all that. There are even books on "Psycho" and one book that offers the complete script AND screen captures of every scene. But what deranged maniac wouldn't want to hold the actual SCRIPT that Anthony Perkins owned? What magical aura is on those pages!
"Yes, the estimated final sale price is about $20,000. Money WELL SPENT!
Somebody once said, "Bill, when you die, all this junk you've collected will be tossed in the trash. NOBODY will bid on pictures of a fat grimacing baby-stooge standing next to the kid-actors from "Lost in Space." NOBODY will want a photo of Rita Moreno signed "To Bill." Maybe your wife will just put it all in a box and give it to a charity shop."
"You know what? I didn't give it a second thought. I'm still working on having my very first thought! Ooops, there I go again. I better waddle to the bathroom..."
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