Bill Hoobastank: On his way to Cleethorpes!

Refusing to address the Shauna Cuntwell scandal, Bill Hoobastank's latest publicity release is about his planned trip to England for a memorabilia convention.

"I instantly pissed a dozen nappies when I read a piece in the Grim-Pee Telegraph about a Comic Con convention in Clitsores. I will be so glad to finally buy an autograph of cunning stuntwoman Chloe Boobs! I actually do have a picture with her, but I had no idea who she was.

"Chloe was trying to get to the ladies room and I was blocking her way. She photo-bombed me by accident as I was having a picture with Todd Slaugher's illegitimate daughter, Twat Slaughter, a woman who can sit on a cabbage and rub it into coleslaw.

"Ms. Slaughter and I were at a cosplay convention where people were supposed to dress up as Bill Cosby. When no black people showed up, and a few guys began drugging drinks, the organizers had to figure out some other way of giving out the prizes. They saw so many ugly old women, they just made it "Bride of Frankenstein Day." They instantly had dozens of potential winners. Ms. Slaughter didn't win, place or show, despite looking like a horse. My wife was disqualified for looking more like the Backside of Frankenstein.

"The winner got a fire extinguisher, which allowed her to "cosplay" having a penis and pissing all over the place. The lady who won got carried away and flooded the floor. I used up all my spare nappies trying to mop it all up.

"It looks like this Clitsores place will be full of twats. I get so excited paying $20 to women and standing next to them. To also be able to stand next to useless props used in sci-fi films, to meet stand-ins and stunt doubles, and somebody or other involved with "Dr. Who?" Pure heaven. I hope a 2001 monolith will be there. I never tire of seeing a useless big black square. In fact I've gone to many a Johnny Mathis concert.

"Light saber lessons. Face painting. People dressed up as "Star Wars" creatures and taking themselves SO seriously. I love it all. My wife was a little concerned that as I walk around, people will think I'm in costume as Shauna: a bald twat. Actually I'm way too fat to be mistaken for Shauna's crotch. I'm actually going to say I'm Amy Wagstaff-Wetone, who is JUST as famous as a stunt double or stand-in. After all, she reads from 'Pride and Prejudice' on GooTube! Watta cunt!"