"I appreciate it but I don't think I'll need you penny-ante music industry wanna-be's much longer! Talent will out! Shauna's new single IS on iTunes! AND...
"We've just been written up in BILLBOARD!
"One day, people will pay $20 to pose next to ME! No more meek, chubby, adult diaper-soiling goofy law-firm librarian. I'm on my way as a manager of hot new music talent! Look at this cover!
"My wife gave Shauna a full physical to make sure she'll be ready for the upcoming tours and promotions.
"Shauna's eyes are wide open, like a baby owl. Her hair is wispy and hangs blandly off her numb skull, and blows easily in the breeze. She can cake lipstick on her gob and pout like a baby.
"Speaking of baby-like softness, she shaves her twat so closely and uses such a lot of shaving foam and vaseline, that her puffy labia are like melting marshmallows. My wife was so tempted to have a lick or two. Shauna's bottom may be slim but it's one giant macaroon that you'd want to decorate with cream, believe me.
"Of course, she has yet to develop up top, but when the royalty money comes in, we'll have her rubberized and puffed up like another Katy Perry. Oh, I can't wait for Shauna to cover "Would you like to ride on my beautiful balloons."
"You'd think that after covering all those Taylor Swift songs, some of Taylor's talent and musicality would rub off on Shauna. No! Absolutely NOT! Shauna's style is a vanilla mix of every forlorn blonde, going back to Sarah McLachlan. The whining, moaning and breathing through the nose are all done softly and insistently.
"Shauna's style is to lull the listener into a kind of vaguely nauseated sleepiness, like being on the nod after too much beer. But then her off-key notes send a kind of annoying tickle right into the ear, and that sets up the lulling wave of more monotony.
"All of this is helped greatly by the over-peaking recording technique, and that "bad cassette quality" microphone sound she gets. It's great that iTunes doesn't have standards about bit rate or things like that.
"I'm so glad iTunes gives a 90 second sample of her latest song. What value. 90 seconds will never seem so long!
"For a limited time only, guyyyysss, we have a special offer. Buy and download the song, and then, find the melody and you win a pryyyyysss. Good luck!"
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