"I'm Tats McBint, and since I moved to Althorpe, I make 'em all throw up. That's why I'm hoping to have better luck via dating websites, Dickstarter, GoFuckMe, and even paying bloggers to put my ads on their pages.
"I figure you should READ about me and not just look at my photo and vomit. Here I am, but please, wait for me to explain!
"I do have TATS. I have 'em on my TITS and my EYELIDS and my huge bottom, too. I know tattoos are low class and stupid, but I got them when I was still young, naive, and only had six or seven illegitimate Paki, North African, Chinese, Polish, another Paki, another Paki and maybe a Syrian children. So I was, what, 19? I lost my virginity at...what was it...a Nando's ladies room? I think I was 12. Anyhoo...
"I now have TEN children, the rest white, which proves that I can attract just about anyone staggering out of a pub late at night. If you LOVE kids, I'm your bint! All the kids are paid for thanks to the government. I only wish they'd stop turning down my request to pay for tattoo removal. Oh well.
"So there you are. My minor "faults" are the tattoos I'm showing you, and yes, when I'm lying asleep the tattoos on my eyelids make me seem like a half-awake autistic Shih Tzu. But in the dark, you can give me a fine evening of "bangers and mash," and I'll be grateful. Just as long as you don't wake the kids. Who mostly sleep in the same room.
"My hobbies include drawing bacteria on sheets of cardboard with crayons, reading old novels out loud, singing cover versions of current pop tunes, and hounding D-listers for autographs (I just got Freddie Crowder, the kid in the new Grimsby movie). I love opening Amazon packages in front of a camcorder and discussing everything I buy. I up these ten and twenty minute monologues to GooTube where a few DOZEN people see them! Aren't I exciting?
"I have reddish hair, frog-belly white-light green skin, freckles, and am often mistaken for Irish. Or dead. I've woken up drunk at my own wake ten times. Come to think of it, each of those times I ended up pregnant!
"Don't judge me on my tats. Just my tits, which are big, and my heart which is big, and my family of bastards which is big. You've got a LOT of love waiting for you, and I'm working on puckering my lips to make a "kissy face" for you. I'm sure it will turn you on. In this era of anal sex, most women do think that a sexy mouth is one that looks like an anus.
"Your move, GUYYYYYSSSS. And don't say you're moved to throw up! LOL!"
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