"I have one of the BIGGEST collections of photos of a nobody standing next to D-listers and has-beens! That nobody is ME, so I'm a somebody!
"In order to get more information on the music world, so I can better work with my protege Shauna Cuntwell, I flew down to Miami for this fabulous meet-and-grate vacation-party!
"Impressive list, huh? Tell me you haven't thrown out some old record albums by these forgotten artists! You remember that slowed-down version of "You Keep Me Hanging On" by the Vanilla Drudge? It's Psych, man. Anyone still listen to that? Or any of that fairy tale nonsense by corpulent Annie Has-Been of Retchedsauce? You all remember the sound of a basketball deflating, which was the ballad style of hapless blimp Christopher "Fake Name" Cross? Can you Waite and think of a song by John? Can you imagine 3 Dog Nuts or Gland Flunked with just ONE guy from the original band croaking? Need I go on? The only guys who can still sing are The Zombies and the Moodies, sort of, but some of them are so wrinkly and ghostly, well, I thought I was at a "haunted house" ride in Blackpool.
"Look at sad Rod, tuning up on the cruise boat.
"How would YOU like to be wearing your trendy old leather jacket when it's ONE HUNDRED DEGREES AND HUMID AS AN ELEPHANT'S TWAT? How would you like to perform "psychedelic" songs in blazing bright sunlight on a boat teetering back and forth in the salty air?
"IF I'M BEING HONEST, at times I didn't know if I was watching a singer or an enraged howler monkey that wanted to escape into the jungle!
"I couldn't take pictures of every band, because it wasn't legal. They charge $50 to take pictures, $50 to stand next to a star, $50 for an autographed CD, $50 for a tube of toothpaste, $50 for extra towels...you get the idea. I did sneak a picture of Annie Has-Been, from a distance, so she doesn't look too fat.
"It almost looks like a band is playing while somebody's put out a giant orange bed sheet to dry.
"After hearing all these awful past-their-prime singers and desperate bands, I was glad for ANY time when it was QUIET. Here's the scene on deck when nobody (thank Christ) is performing.
"Note all the lame brains dressed in BLUE. Get it?
"You can see the Moody Blues Crucifix. This is where you pray for your headache to go away. Doesn't it look like fun to be on a crowded boat with aging wreckages like yourself? People who are getting fat, wrinkly, and even more stupid-looking than when they were doing drugs?
"For $50 they let you replace the statue and hang for a few minutes, imagining what it would be like to be Christopher Cross waiting outside Warners trying to get a new record contract.
"It was amazing how many people were ready to spend $5,000 or more just to hear bad music, get some autographed tat, and be on a cheesy Feb 26-Mar 1 cruise with other desperate, aging idiots.
"Reality kicked in early, and within a day, everyone needed aspirin, wore ear plugs, and put away all but the arthritis meds. Some fools actually dressed up like they were still in the 60's, but most couldn't smoke dope or even attempt sex. Here I am with some angry woman in the left corner there, a dope, and a fat lady who I couldn't help cop a feel from because her flab was constantly wobbling and oozing onto me!
"The best time was when it was pitch dark, and our big fat boat was moving along like this was the River Styx. With the temperature a balmy 90 degrees, we could all get into the mood for some mysterious progrock. Vanilla Drudge only had a few original ingredients, Nuts and Artificial Sugar. I think that's what their cool names were. Might've been Sting and The Edge.
"After their set, I remembered a main reason why I went on this 4 Day Cruise, which had become as sad and sorry a farce as 4 Days of "Gilligan's Island" re-runs. I wanted advice on managing a band, getting a record deal, and arranging a tour! So I went over to one of the actual Moodies, and said, "What's the secret? Is it a matter of balance? How did YOUR manager make you stars?" And he said:
"OUR manager?"
"'Yes, yes,' I said, 'Tell me about your manager!"
"He thought of those he angered, for he was not a violent man,
"And he thought of those he hurt for he was not a cruel man.
"And he thought of those he frightened, for he was not a evil man.
"He saw that when he was of anger, or knew hurt, or felt fear,
It was because he was not understanding."
"I said, 'I don't quit understand.'"
"He said 'Fuck OFF!'"
"I said, 'What's the music scene today? What message of hope can you give me?'"
"It's a QUESTION OF BALANCE," he replied. Then he pushed me overboard.
Everybody laughed. Yes, it's a precarious business these days, and it's hard just keeping your head above water. Christopher Cross threw me a Life Saver, but kept the rest of the pack.
Just as I was going down for the third time, two men grabbed me and helped swim me to the side of a ship where a rope ladder waited.
"Captain," said one, "He nearly run afloat!" I recognized him. He was Geoff Whitewhore, one of the members of Boko Haram. The other one was the lead singer, who said, "That'll be $50 for saving you. EACH. And we charge by the pound, whale-face. $50 a pound for hauling your blubber out of the sea."
"I had to empty my entire bank account to pay them! And they wouldn't lift me out of the water till the credit card payment cleared. Well, this did make me an honorary rock star. When they finally got me out of the water I was Moody and Blue."
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