CLEAN FOR THE QUEEN

Logic being what it isn't, a faction in Great Britain has decided that when the Queen turns 90, she doesn't want to see anyone's butts.

Even though she never seems to go anywhere except fancy Royal functions, and beautiful estates and parading around where sanitation and the police have just been, SOME bunch of loonies want everyone to drop what they're doing and pick up garbage.

This includes cigarette butts, crisp packets, the leavings of Muffin the Dog, and the used tampons of Shauna Cuntwell, which slide out when she hits high notes on Taylor Swift covers.

The only people who have gotten behind the "Clean for the Queen" movement are gays and drag queens. They're a fussy lot, and they worship older women.

Instantly signing up to do their part are two of England's most famous gay stars.

Here's BOY GEORGE clearing up the most awful garbage ever thrown into the streets.

And here's the always mournful and sensitive SAM SMITH, doing and do-do'ing his part. He hasn't quite got the hang of it yet, but his mind is still on more pressing matters, like the number of openly gay men who have won Academy Awards statues...and might want to bugger him with one.