It's either Christopher Columbus...or Cristabel Colon. It depends on whether you're a prideful greasy Italian bastard or a prideful greasy Latino bastard.
Some figure the latter, since he DID get his money from the Queen of Spain (an amorous Jane, a lascivious wench was she). Others say he was just a wiseguy, and with all the charm of Chico Marx, made her figure that he'd come back with pizza or something.
Legend has it the asshole was on his way to India, to get tech support. I think Queen Isabella was wearing Depends, and she was hoping Chris would bring back an Indian guy who could teach her how to wear one of those twisty-rag diapers. Indians wear diapers, you know.
He was also going to get spices. SPICES. Not Spics, of which there are plenty already in Spain.
But I digress into unseemly vulgarity.
We all know what happened. Wrong-way C.C. ended up discovering America, and calling the growling, red-faced scalp-tearing natives "Indians," thinking he'd actually gotten to India. Something like that. Who the fuck cares when the world is on the brink.
Some say the Vikings were here. Some say Vespucci was the real deal. Others say, "How about the Mayflower, and the fact that the Dutch and the British both can lay claim to civilizing a sliver of American land?"
The first language spoken here besides the Umma Gumma shit from the Indians, was probably Dutch. New York was originally New Amsterdam. That's your history lesson for the day.
What October 12th has become is..the start of the useless HOLIDAY season. No sooner are the brats back in school then we find ways of taking them out, so they can be so stupid Japanese and Chinese kids can wipe the floor with them in math and science.
Americans, now the FATTEST PEOPLE ON EARTH (thanks to swallowing so much MEXICAN FOOD), will take off Columbus Day to go and shop and gorge on food. Then they'll take off Presidents Day, and they'll waste a fortune on HALLOWEEN CANDY, and then gorge on THANKSGIVING DAY turkey, and then slobber all over CHANUKAH, KWANZAA AND CHRISTMAS banquets and finish it off by drinking quarts of booze and throwing up all of New Year's Day.
And there are other annoying little holidays as well. And yes, I went to the post office today, Friday, sent an item priority, only to realize that it would NOT be delivered until TUESDAY. Fucking lazy stupid obese AMERICA, where nothing gets done and everything's outsourced to China. Makes a fella proud...
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