Fart, Boko Haram and other HAS-BEENS GO ON SUMMER TOURS

THE STUNKEES (what's left of them), BOKO HARAM (just Barry Gooker and some cover band of hacks cannibalizing old tunes), Ann and Nancy Stillborn of Fart, and various other Suckapaloozas are going on the road this summer.

They will be singing to an audience of Alzheimers victims, fatties, diabetics, toothless fools, and addled assholes who are now feeling the effects of all the drugs they took 30 years ago.

The Blind Performing For the Blind...and the way they all look, being blind seems a pretty good idea.

What's the attraction...ego-driven love-starved has-beens getting applause just for showing up? An audience of sexually malfunctioning old-timers momentarily feeling young because the idiots on stage look worse than they do?

I swear to you, I don't want to be part of an audience where I see a lot of balding, gruesome, wrinkled and clueless doddering dipshits wearing frayed, stained and sweaty band t-shirts and pants either falling down or bursting around paunchy bellies. And some of the women look just as bad.

One bit of horrifying news is the reappearance of the elusive Kate Bush (whom I trust does have one, because it's physically impossible for her to reach over her belly to shave it). Kate, you'll recall, made a bizarre, elfin, strange, metaphysical, pretentious and charming debut album that took some getting used to. I mean, put on that record, and dogs for a mile around began to howl. Her voice wasn't quite so high or eccentric on her rather romantic second release. But by the time or her third and fourth, she was getting a bit Yoko...and hearing her screech "Cat in your Lap" or "Pussy Between My thighs" or whatever it was...was not a whole lotta fun.

She was getting fans so suicidal that she had to duet with Peter Gabriel on "Don't Give Up (We still have talent, and one day we'll both have another hit)."

It turned out that neither Kate nor Peter Gabriel were capable of making melodic and/or challenging music anymore. Gabriel has remained touring, his head resembling an alien's backside, singing medleys of his old hits. Kate? She put out a forgettable 2CD set, a comeback that should've explained that she was past the point of no return, musically.

Now, she's announced a set of performances for late August and early September.

I hope this doesn't turn out to be a fiasco. Most any normal person would've simply showed up by surprise in a few small clubs, sung a number or two, split, and had people wanting more. Or had people saying, "Thank God it was only a few songs."

But what pressure this formerly cute babe is putting herself under! I can only hope that it's leading her to spend the warm Spring months getting in as best shape as possible...