Matthew McConaughey can shove his Oscar up his ASS

I don't really know who the fuck this Matthew McConaughey is, or why he didn't change his last name to something easier to spell.

All I know is everybody seems to love him. The women adore him, the guys all want to BE him, and if I've seen this pompous prettyboy in anything, I really don't remember. That's how "memorable" he is to ME.

When he was announced as "Best Actor," this asshole in a fucking WHITE tuxedo bounced up to the stage like he deserved it and knew it. He smugly used a finger and a twitch to acknowledge his competition, and then this "good ol' boy" launched into a shit-faced load of Shinola about how his Daddy is lookin' down on him from heaven: "He's got a big pot of gumbo, he's got a lemon meringue pie over there, he's probably in his underwear, and he's got a cold can of Miller Lite, and he's dancing right now."

Yee ha.

Since Mr. Smug was sure he'd win, he prepared an incredibly pretentious and pompous speech of "advice" to everyone watching. He declared his faith in God...as if God really gives a rat's ass about who wins an Academy Award. Then he talked down to everyone about how important it is to have "something to look up to...something to look forward to and...someone to chase." I think he expected everybody to whip out notebooks and write down that catchy bit of words to live by. See, he's not only handsome and rich...he's thoughtful.

So this cracker barrel philosopher went on and on, bright white toothy smiles a'plenty, as he thanked his wife, his kids, and in a bizarre twist, himself. Yeah, he's his own hero! Somehow, his hero is himself. He said that when asked who he admired, respected, and considered a hero, he thought about it for two weeks and said, "me in ten years." Heck fire. The trick, he declared modestly, is that after ten years, he wasn't nearly the hero he thought he'd be by then. So he upped it another ten years. Get it? No, neither did I. But somehow, the point of this crap, was that he was damned well gonna be the BEST Matthew McConaughey he could be. And isn't that enough?

Yeah. Enough already. The leading men of this era are such a bunch of assholes. Leonardo is a round-faced greasy looking over-fed moron. Christian Bale is an ass-faced hot-headed method-acting turdpile. Matt Damon seems to be out to prove that he's the new Robert Redford only with even MORE of a grand conscience, and prettier, too. And...no, I don't even want to discuss the rest of the stubble-wearing cologne-reeking full-of-themselves assholes. And I'm sorry I happened to watch the last 10 minutes of the Oscar show, and caught this ridiculous idiot's speech.

It was followed by the grand prize, "Best Picture" which went to "12 Years a Slave," which I hope means a moratorium, for at least 12 years, on guilt-inducing lawdy-lawdy black movies about the cracker assholes in the South and the wise, agonized, sweaty, noble slaves who maintained their dignity...uh, only so their great-great grand children could lose it wearing their pants around their ankles and calling each other Niggas.

Back to McConaughey...I would've given the award to Bruce Dern. Not that I saw "Nebraska" or any of the other shit the guys were nominated for. But the guy's practically dead. He got a chance to star in a movie after seeming to play nothing but obnoxious nasal-voiced weasels for 50 years (remember him in "They Shoot Horses" or Hitchocck's "Family Plot"). Would it have been so bad to annoint McConaughey Mr. McDreamy or the hillbilly's version of Michael Douglas a year or two later?

Congrats, Mr. Greasy Southern Fried Charm. Grease up that Oscar and shove it up your ass. I'll make sure to avoid your movies at all costs...and even FREEEEEE on the torrents.