Ooh, Let's Watch Millionaires Get Awards and $85,000 to SHOW UP

Everywhere there's lots of piggies living piggy lives.

You can see a lot of them IF you are dumbass enough to watch the Academy Awards.

Why would you really care over who wins BEST PICTURE or BEST ACTOR or BEST ACTRESS?

I sure as hell don't. I'm not 16 anymore. I'm a REALIST now.

I know that all these performers are millionaires and "honoring" them for doing their job is ridiculous. Most of them are overexposed, even "nice" ones like Tom Hanks and George Clooney and Angelina Jolie. And Christ, am I sick of most of them, even fairly inoffensive ones including Will Smith, Leonardo di Caprio and Dame Doody Stench.

Back in the late 60's, when Marlon Brando cared about Indians and Woody Allen was funny, the Oscars were a fucking joke. George C. Scott wouldn't show up. Half the people nominated didn't. If they did, it was to make some speech about what really matters, and NOT their stupid film. These non-attendees and angry speech-makers were influenced by hippies, and hadn't become Yuppies. The idea of greed and egomania was abhorrent.

Now...they almost ALL show up. And why?

For one thing, they've all become a bunch of fucking whores. They like the idea of sucking up to the Academy, they are so pathetic they not only CRAVE all the extra attention, they figure they NEED it so they can get MORE MONEY for their next fucking film. The bitches HAVE TO sashay around while faggots screech, "WHO are you WEARING?"

For another...they are BRIBED to show up.

The biggest bribe is the "Goody Bag" handed to nominated stars to make sure they show up. That's right, attend and get $85,000 in gifts and gift certificates!

These pampered creeps make more money in ONE NIGHT than you or I make in a year.

All they have to do is wear something presentable, stand around and be admired, and take enough drugs so that if their name isn't called, they'll still have a dazed smile on their faces.

Here's the fucking list of GOODIES:

Yep...companies fight over themselves to be in the Top 50. You can imagine how they pay off the Academy itself. "What, you want your pepper spray gun in the goodie bag? How much will you pay US for the privilege???"

You think stars really need some of this shit? Like:

DrainWig plug that prevents hair clogging the drain - $6.49
Fabric wrap from European company Wrag Wrap - $15
Organic pet shampoo from Simon's Happy Pet - $15
Six-pack of Naked Luxury condoms - $20
Three-in-one dry-cleaning bags from Green Garmento - $23
Bluetooth camera shutter remote for Apple products from HISY - $24.99
AVIV 613 Vodka - $30
Herbal tea-based lollipops from Dosha Pops - $35
Hydroxycut weight loss gummies, protein bars, and shakes - $38.96
'Honey' made from organic apples from Bee Free Honee - $39
Tea from Blossom Blends - $49.95
'Loaded: The Story of a Ghost' graphic novel - $49.95
A DVD advertising cash off the services of aspiring film maker Charles Van Loucks - $50
Dinnerware from Slimware - $59
Cannonball Wines - $60
Caramels and sweets from Betty Jane Candies - $69.75
Candles that double as perfume and warm massage oil from Objects with Purpose - $70
Horse shampoo and conditioner made for human hair from Mane 'N Tail - $95.35
Beauty products from M3K Beauty - $100
Organic makeup products by Diane Capt - $105
Activity tracker from Polar Loop - $109.95
Go Pro hair dryer from Coolway - $120
Two Mace pepper guns - $120
Accessories from CherryT Knit & Co. $158
Hookahzz E-Cigarettes and E-Liquids - $162
Shellfish knife set - $185
Leather iPhone 5 case from Vetvik - $230
Leather purse from Jitseu. $279
Portable camera and app from Narrative Clip - $279
Organic maple syrup from Rouge Maple - $280
Swiss-made Slow Watch - $290
Organic skin, body, and hair products from Acure - $300
Jan Lewis bangle bracelet made from wood shapes - $400
House call with acupuncturist and nutritionist Heather Lounsbury - $500
Lifetime membership to a meditation gym from Headspace.com - $500
Tickets to all-kid pro Cirque troupe, Le Petit Cirque - $575
Max Martin luxury shoes - $750
Tiny dancers: Tickets to see the children's circus Le Petit Cirque are $575
10 personal training sessions with Huntley Drive Fitness - $850
Supplies from Epic Pet Health - $1,571.98
Five-night stay at the Koloa Landing Resort in Hawaii - $2,000
Home spa system from Steamist - $2560
'O-Shot' procedure to help a woman's sex drive - $2,700
Resort stay at the Imanta's Ocean Casa suite in Mexico - $3,300
Water filtration system from Krystal Klear Water - $4895
Artworks from Gizara - $5,000
10,000 meal donations from Ellen DeGeneres' Halo Spot's Stew pet food to a shelter of the nominee's choice - $6,100
Two-day Rocky Mountaineer train excursion from Vancouver to Alberta in the Canadian Rockies - $6,850
Trip to Las Vegas including tickets to shows, backstage passes to meet Meatloaf and Boyz II Men and two nights at the Riviera Penthouse Suite - $9,000
Walking tour around Japan from Walk Japan - $15,000
ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant System treatment - $16,000

The stars can give away some of that shit to their relatives, friends, maids, fans, whatever. And keep some of that swag for themselves.

It's all part of the pampered world of STARS that we care so much about and worry so much about. Gosh, hope Miss Cunt wins an Oscar, ooh, hope Mr. Asshole finally gets to smile with his perfectly capped teeth and I can vicariously smile right along with him...

What a crock. Did any of this year's movies really entertain you, inspire you, or even keep a smile on your face five minutes after it ended?

Me neither. The Academy Fucking Awards. GOODY GOODY.