Great Idea: Dye the Fucking River GREEN

It's been said that "the stupidest, drunkest Irish people didn't emigrate to the United States, they were happily kicked out for being such gross stereotypes."

I'm quoting myself. But I'm sure others have said something pretty similar. After all, "St. Patrick's Day" is not nearly the big deal in Ireland as it is in America. In America, embarrassing third-generation jerkoffs who know almost nothing about their own culture, careen all over the place as if Ireland's two biggest imports are beer and retardation. Oh, what a "delight," when you realize, "I better be careful on any street that has bars."

From noon onward, it's hard to avoid rowdy jackasses in plastic green hats, or groups of jerks wearing colors of green that match their seasick faces. Such FUN they're having, shouting at each other, presenting a bogus sense of self-importance and ethnic "pride" to strangers, and generally making people think better of the English.

Naturally, this stupid day of drunken amusement doesn't escape the politicians. They happily march in the parades, waste taxpayer money on paying cops overtime to deal with the drunks and sometimes pay for such excesses as dying things GREEN.

Chicago, is more traditionally known for having half-assed Polish sausage-eaters, Swedes, and whatever the ethnic group that pronounces "The Chicago Bears" as "Da Shee-kahh-go Beeerssssssssss." And yet, they want to have the "honor" of the most artificially green river??

It isn't much of an honor, because this ain't much of a river.

Frankly, it can take longer to walk across Broadway in Manhattan than to step across one of the dinky bridges over this dinky body of water.

In these times of tight budgets, and when nobody can be that sure that coloring a river is "harmless," there's no excuse for this pathetic pandering and unimaginative corniness.

Besides, it's racist. You can NOT celebrate St. Patrick's Day and paint a river green and NOT do something for Muslims. Like, drain the river entirely and spend the entire day ranting "Death to America."

Chicago? I really like Chicago. It's bolder, better and smarter than this. It's the City of the Big Shoulders, not Lime Jello Creek.

Tourists don't come into Chicago to look at the fucking river, no matter what color it is. The river is a mild novelty, at best. Lake Michigan, if you're amused by water, is much more interesting, and there's a lot more to do.

I doubt that even locals who live in the suburbs would be persuaded to drive in because they can look at a green river for a minute.

Enough with "ethnic pride." This is one of the things that is dividing us, not bringing us together. When you think of St. Patrick's Day, all you think is, NEGATIVE thoughts about the stereotype of the drunken, dumbass mick. Because that's what surrounds you. No other parade, no other day of ethnic "celebration" is prone to have so many drunken idiots being stupid. Yes, the "Puerto Rican Day Parade" comes close, but that's a parade, and it's confined to one parade route, and doesn't affect every bar in the city.

"Listen, McBigot," some readers might say, "there's worse things than dying a river bright green."

And I agree. It's painting your fucking face green, and these morons do that, too.

How about a compromise...and everyone with a green face gets thrown into the green river?