A Few Kicks After the Blackpool Show

As the venerable Byron Pebble reported on one of the top news blogs, things went badly at the Sunday evening Blackpool concert, the first production by impresario Bill Hoobastank.

Pensioners were not in a good mood thanks to gale force winds, which were mostly coming from Bill's ass. Harsh rain reduced the crowd, the theater was cold, and the promised appearance of the gruesome waxworks creature called Dave Clark had many too frightened to attend.

At times it seemed like an evening at the Hospital for the Blind and Lame, the way the amateurs and has-beens stumbled around on stage.

The worst boos were given to Knickerless Payne, as he solemnly stood on stage like a gutted transvestite walrus, incoherently barking while shaking his long greasy hair and bouncing his enormous belly.

BUT a close second for derision was Bill Hoobastank and Shauna Cuntwell making their debut as a duo. "Bloody shit," someone called out, noting the red stains on Shauna's dress and the brown ones on Bill's pants. The wide-eyed Shauna managed to duck the barrage of piss-filled beer bottles, but several hit Bill spot on. That quizzical grimacing grin of his never left his fat moon face. Dazed and confused, he ultimately staggered off, while Shauna gamely asked the crowd if they wanted to hear a Taylor Swift cover.

She was covered with spit, hurled forcefully by hundreds of old people who spat their dentures as well. The choppers clattered onto the stage, where they could be heard chattering: "Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off."

After the show, the "talent" signed autographs on police forms banning them from ever showing up in Blackpool again. There were fist fights, crying, and the spectacle of Barry Grooker saddling his lead guitarist Whitehorn, and making him gallop to the nearest bus station for a six hour wait to catch a train to the next bus stop to the next train.

Grooker began tearing his hair out, till there was hardly anything but stubble. And thus, he arrived back home in Surrey with a fringe on top.

Back in Blackpool, Shauna was getting her kicks...by slamming her foot repeatedly into Bill's groin. Bill seemed dazed, numb, and somewhat delighted, as if he was getting an autograph from Billy Mumy. Shauna finally stopped kicking him because her twat stubble was chafing her.

It wasn't a total loss. A few pensioners who had wandered backstage and observed this bizarre moment, gave Bill and Shauna their only applause of the night.