"No Comment" from Bill Hoobastank!

I visited Weehawken and was disappointed to discover the offices of HOOBASTANK LIMITED shut tighter than Amy Wagstaff's twat.

Nobody answered the door when I visited his home, either. I was about to give up and walk to the bus stop when I saw a crumbled up flier in the trash. "I fell from my plane," he gasped. "Fortunately I landed on Bill Hoobastank. He told me to rest here in this trash can."

The crumbled up flier then handed me a crumbled up flier that was on top of the trash can. "This is where Bill went. There's a revival movie house showing "Frankenstein," "Son of Frankenstein" and "Bride of Hoobastank."

I waited. When the last film ended, I recognized Bill Hoobastank walking out with a bunch of obese nerds and losers! He saw me and instantly ducked back into the movie theater. When he emerged, he had on a false mustache and wig, and insisted he was Cal E. Fornia, a part-time taco.

DA: You're Bill. The adult diapers give you away. You're supposed to wear them UNDER your clothes.

BH: No comprendo, senor.

DA: You speak English, Bill.

BH: No.

DA: Yes! Nevermind, I don't wish to argue about this! Did you take an upskirt photo of Shauna?

BH: Gurgle...gurgle...

DA: Aha! That's YOU all right. I recognize the gurgling! Has Shauna fired you?

BH: No.

DA: Aha! You know who Shauna is. Dead giveaway!

BH: (Handing me a copy of a Grateful Dead album) Aqui, senor.

DA: Don't give me that. Vaudeville is dead. Talk to me! What if I told you I was with the Grimsby Telegraph?

BH: (begins vomiting on my shoes) GURGLE!

There was no point trying to deal with this idiot any further. I could've tried following him home, but he could've detoured through every fucking Taco Bell in New Jersey, gaining weight while trying my patience. Besides, he had a car, and I'd taken a bus to a train to a bus to get to Weehawken, then another bus, another bus, an expensive cab, and another bus just to get this far. In fact, I was now just about out of money.

"OK Bill, I'll let you off the hook," I said. "But when there's an update to this story, I expect an exclusive. Christ, I need at least another $20 for bus fare."

Bill grinned. He stood next to me, had somebody take a picture of us, and handed me a $20. He's a peculiar guy all right, but that was a classy thing to do. I thanked him and he said, "That's ok, the $20 comes out of the expense account money Shauna's already put in my bank account! Hee hee!"