JOHN INMAN in "ARE YOU BEING ASSANGED"

Thanks to Madame Tussaud's, Disney animation and famous Blackpool psychic Twat Petulengro, the BBC proudly offers:

Yes, it's the zany story of a gay shoplifter who holes up in a department store.

After nicking some knickers, Julian Assange proclaims "SANCTUARY," and hilarity ensues! The U.N. declares the department store a sovereign country all its own. Ecuadorian banana boys ally themselves with Julian and guard all the exits (except their own, har har har). And when Prime Minister Camoron suggests that Julian actually be arrested, Ronnie Corbett makes his guest appearance, calling out "Your nuts, M'Lord" and "Your crackers, M'Lord," to a booming laughtrack.

Every week the show runs, there will be a lottery drawing for a pair of knickers with JULIAN written on the back. Place your bets at PADDY POWER (if you're an Irish drunk), LADBROKES (if you're under 18 and have no money) or BETVICTOR (if your name is Victor). PS, bet responsibly, and understand that Julian has rigged the winning numbers and leaked them to his friend Chelsea Manning.