"How long has it been since we enjoyed Michael Jackson? Oh, 1982, maybe. That was when he and Quincy Jones created "Thriller" and really, aside from that song, "Billie Jean" and "Beat It," what was so great?"
"If you want to include his freakish bleating as a girl-child with the Jackson Five, add one or two more. Oh. And he MOONWALKED. Oh, and he grabbed his crotch a lot."
"When you think about it, "The King of Pop" had a piss poor output of really beloved songs. The Monkees had more! Bobby Goldsboro almost had more! Neil Diamond sure did. So, of course, did legit pop stars like Elton John. So what made Michael Jackson so fucking important?"
"It was posing with ME."
"I mean, he was good to fans! I'm sure if I was 60 years younger, and weighed less than a manatee, Michael would've taken me home for some "Jesus Juice" wine, a flip through his porn mags, and a romp in his bed. Tee hee!"
"I just wish he made more movies like "THRILLER," because I am such a BIG MOVIE FAN. I have a moon face but I don't moon walk. I barely waddle to memorabilia shows. Michael could've been a big star in horror movies. He had the ratty wig, the white face, the skeleton body, and parts of his face kept falling off. Wow!"
"Michael was so rich from acquiring Beatles music, he didn't even ask me to pay him $20 to pose with him. All he asked was that I bend over while he put on his white glove, and fist-fucked my giant ass. Of course I took my butt plug out first. The reason I have that gritted-teeth expression in every photo is that it sort of pinches. But I get so excited meeting celebrities, I shit myself if I'm not plugged."
Michael told me he had thousands of white gloves. First, so that he doesn't leave fingerprints, and second, they don't stay white for very long."
"That's all for my tribute. I just heard Patrick MacNee died, and I want to fly to the West Coast to have a picture of myself in front of the casket."
"Before that, I need to get something to eat! I eat at least every two hours. I am going off to #Denny's a hash house that every New Jersey jerk with no taste loves to #hashtag. I will order from the kiddie menu in Michael's honor, and hopefully get some "Jesus Juice" wine to go with my double order of corned beef and hash (with extra fat). I will try and have my picture taken with the food, and my side dish of an Ostrich egg. And I will think of Michael when the owner of the restaurant tells me to BEAT IT."
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