Bill Hooberstank: "Britain's Got Talent!"

"Greetings from Greet Britten.

Thanks to my pension and social security, I can travel the world!

I wanted to expand my hobby and waistline, and I did! Here I am posing with Fish and Chips. This was after I had a big meal of Ant and Dec.

I got to go to "Britten's Got Tail Lint," which I thought was about Benjamin Britten wiping his arse on poor quality toilet paper.

Instead, it was an evening of first class fun! My God, there were so many TALENTED people for a sap-faced fool like me to worship! There were monkey-like breakdancers. There were ugly people who could sing like birds. There were drag queens, boy bands and off-key vaudevillians which I and David Walleyes absolutely adored. The crowd went wilde, too.

Little girls belting out Whitney Houston songs? The country is crawling with them! There were lots of humane interest stories of obese people trying to reach for a star, or their shoes on the floor. I know that feeling.

Every time that loud buzzer went off, a security guard shouted, "You farting again, Bill?"

I giggled, nearly swallowing my teeth.

I wish I was able to get a picture with David Walleyes, as I admire how his eyes are on two different levels on his face. Then there's Amanda Holden. We have nobody like that in America — a bitchy twit with no apparent skills besides a Disney smile or a Shirley Temple pout. They even had a black version sitting next to her. But off to the deep end was Slimy Towel, with that unique broken shoe brush hairstyle, metrosexual voice and wardrobe of limitless t-shirts.

Slimy's low standards have gotten even lower. He now praises any singer the stupid audience roars over and everyone's "got the potential to be a big star" with "a big fat Yes." I think "big fat Yes" refers to being able to play with Rick Wakeman someday.

Eventually I lost interest. After all, what I really only want is my photo taken with celebrities, for my collection. I don't care what they do, what movies they make, or anything else. It's just my pride in knowing that however rich or famous or busy they are, they wasted five seconds of their lives paying attention to ME!"