View to a Chill - Remnants of Retards

As the nerds look forward to October's "fest" we look back in anger...with a few last pictures of some of the idiocy at the April event.

Who wanted to miss the opportunity of owning JUNK? Here's a typical dealer's area. This jerk paid a lot for this space, which he crammed with useless garbage. Think about how many people own trivia items NOBODY wants. They picked "Man in a Suitcase" instead of "The Prisoner," or "Tina Louise" instead of "Brigitte Bardot."

Buy some of this junk figuring it's an "investment" and you could be in big trouble. Aren't the charity shops loaded with Bay City Rollers memorabilia? And won't they be full of THIS junk in a year or two?

Watta load.

Meanwhile there were some D-listers who weren't making many sales at all.

Maybe Piper should've offered a kiss along with an autographed photo? Erik Estrada knew how to assure a $20 sale. Don't just pose with a duckfaced cretin, KISS her. Erik was once a "hunk" to teenage twats, when he starred in a moronic 80's show about motorcycle cops.

A lot of nerds showed up in costume. Yes, you could PREDICT the number of fuckheads who wanted to be Obi Wan-Kenobi or Harry Potter or Superman. There were probably several dozen BATMANs (imagining themselves as one of several dozen bad actors who played Batman in movies).

At least with BATMAN you wear a mask. One jerk, tall and gawky with bad hair, decided he looked like Weird Al, so he walked around calling attention to himself. And another...yeah, "Siegfried" was a funny character who turned up in maybe a half-dozen episodes of "Get Smart" but WHY BOTHER DRESING UP LIKE HIM? The guy who played him, Bernie Kopell, wasn't even AT the convention this time. Keee-rist. Meanwhile, other nerds were SO impressed they took photos.

ALWAYS part of the Chiller show are once-hot chicks who appeared in Playboy or in softcore porn. The weird thing is that even though they look like anorexic or brain-dead versions of themselves NOW, turd-brains still want to spend $20 to get a picture with them, or have them autograph a photo of how they USED to look.

While the sweaty bodies bumping along in the corridors are predominantly fat Hoobastank males, every once in a while there's a SHAUNA.

She's too young to know the has-beens in attendance, except maybe in re-runs. She MIGHT actually watch re-runs of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "The Monkees?" Maybe. But I'm thinking the memorabilia show SHAUNA is just there to be her cutesy-wutesy self and like any jail bait, catch the attention of somebody she thinks will either PAY HER FOR SEX, or be stupid enough to take her to dinner.

Maybe she was trawling around hoping one of the old actors might want to "discover" her and give her a part in a movie. Sorry, the guyyyssss at these shows don't get movie deals except a "senior pass" to get in at half price.

Or did she think Dolenz needed to hire a cutesy-wutesy to help him and Tork set up microphones for shows, and do other roadie chores? Who knows. It's almost too repulsive to even think about it.

At the very least, Ms. Adorable got a lot of face time with old D-listers. You can be sure that Micky and Alice and Erik, guys who barely looked up while signing a photo and getting $20 off some adoring male fan, were all smiles when SHE gave 'em a grin and widened her big beautiful brown eyes.

Last and least, meet Amy Huelpig. Yes, that's her real first name. She's trying to be a vaginal version of our pal Hoobastank. She needs to put on a little weight, since at the moment she's looking more like a yenta New Jersey version of Bonnie Raitt.

OK, not too many women like Weird Al. That makes her weird already.

You notice Al in that typical abashed "celebrity looks into the camera, tries not to be embarrassed" pose.

But our gal Amy is even delighted to meet guyyssss who LOOK like Al. Or rather, as Al looked some years ago when he still had the mustache.

Amy needs to watch "2001" a few more times. At the moment she's stuck in "Star Wars" mode, and, yes, getting a selfie with a figure almost as inanimate as herself.

She's not a librarian or collecting social security, so she didn't go taking pix with every has-been at the show. In fact, at times she had to be downright sneaky.

Out of towners may not know who Kreskin is. He's nobody. He was a "mentalist" who did corny mind-reading stunts and was so laughable, he'd get booked on talk shows. Merv Griffin and others would wink at the audience and let this cornball do his stuff. He was nerdish and dopey, and nobody minded him. In fact, he had his own syndicated talk show very briefly. Patrick MacNee was a guest, and you can see that unfortunate episode on GooTube.

Eventually, guys like Letterman were openly hostile and impatient with his goofy stunts, and there was something kind of cringeworthy about how they made fun of the guy. Now? Maybe he turns up at a convention but who'd want to pay for an autographed photo? Maybe he performs his "mentalist" stunts at corporate events and bar mitzvahs.

Apparently, since he lives in awful-awful New Jersey, he just showed up to give his card to various D-listers and see if they needed an opening act or something.

Amy was too shy to go up for a photo, so she snuck one. Yes, Amy (where have I heard that first name before) is on her way to being another Bill, and worse.