"It's me, Bill Hoobastank! I'm starting my own YouTube Series: Bill Hoobastank, GLOBE TROTTER.
"I'm built like a globe. And I always have the trots. I hope to be sponsored by an Adult Nappy company.
"My first episode? MANCHESTER! Watch out for it!"
"I've got a sidekick. She kicks me in the side and tells me to lose weight. And stop that idiot grin!"
"Anyhoo, I hope to upload my first YouTube soon. I took 3 minutes of silent movies outside this club! I was hoping to interview some of the virgins. I even cried out, "Who in here likes Doctor Who?" I'm sure there were virgins in the building. Maybe they just didn't want to be seen with me. It's hard to remain a virgin after seeing me. People see me and go, 'Oh, Fuck!' But I guess they run off and do it with someone else.
"I also spent some time in "black pool." That's the nickname for the toilet at the dodgy bed-and-breakfast I was in. Honestly, it was black even before I plopped my load in it. Just my luck. I had the trots, sat down, broke the seat, and fell in.
"I nearly drowned in the black water. I cried out "Help! Help! PLEASE HELP!" but the landlady didn't come. She's so used to people yelling for help in that place.
"So I began to sing, "I do like to be beside the seaside." She hadn't heard that in a while. Not indoors, at least, in her own hideous dive. Speaking of a hideous dive, she dove into the toilet and grabbed my pudgy hand as I was about to go down the drain. Thankfully, I'm too big to go down the drain, and I was stopped up in the pipe long enough for her, and a derrick, to get me out. I think it was Derrick Chisora. Strong fellow.
"Christ, I'm sure my Manchester footage will get me almost as many hits on YouTube as Knickerless Nick gets for his anti-Obama songs. One can only hope! "STAY TUNED" as we love to say. I hope that instead of just a photo, you'll all be able to watch me move. I really do move now and then. Mostly my bowels, but every litter-bit helps!"
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