Central Park Monkeyshines - Beyonce, Sheeran, Coldplay...are you feeling sick yet?

Oh yeah, ALL your favorites.

Beyonce in some kind of aerobics outfit. The completely irritating carrot-topped over-achieving scrotum called Ed Sheeran. The has-been idiots known as Coldplay. And the never-amusing porno-named Pearl Jam assholes. ALL in Central Park.

Some sadist sent me an e-mail alerting me to "a live stream" of the event.

You know what was the ONLY amusing thing? "Stream" was spelled "steam." Check the top line.

And what a steaming pile:

Yeah, just what I wanted, a row of obnoxious "dancers" doing their usual dopey aerobic-robot shit, while the great "BEY" shouted and strutted and "vogued."

This fucking self-indulgent load of shit was supposed to echo the old Helen Reddy notion, "I am woman hear me roar?" It was "I'm some cocoa-colored black chick with a lot of money. Act like I'm a goddess while thudding stupid music plays and special effects blast away and a bunch of monkeys bounce around and pretend it's dancing."

Now what the FUCK were all these posturing assholes gathered in Central Park for? Oh, yeah, yeah, another one of those "we're rock stars, we care" rallies. This one was for the "Global Poverty Project." What's that, exactly? Right. Yet another "give us money, which we won't give to starving people" deals.

Where DOES the money go? Why is it we never see big-headed African kiddies chowing down afterward, listening to Coldplay albums? We don't see a bunch of Syrians slurping hummus and grinning about their barfi dessert. We never see a bunch of displaced Turks sitting around eating turkey and gravy.

All we do get is the same irritating "pop" and "rock" idiots showing off. "BEY" and her bunch will look "fierce." Sheeran and his bunch will look humble, like they buy their clothes at a thrift shop.

The other day, The Pope rolled through Central Park, and 80,000 people who were lucky enough to get tickets had to bunch themselves up and strain to even get a look at him. They were 15-people deep clotting along the little roadway that was taking him through to Madison Square Garden. Who's idea of a good time is THAT? "Oooh, I glimpsed the Pope, after THREE hours of waiting and jockeying and pushing to make sure I got a clear view through a pack of smelly people."

And today? Yet ANOTHER idiot Central Park event? All kinds of people hiked around the park asking "Where's the concert?" and "Can I see it?" and the answer was NO and NO. This wasn't a FREE event like Simon and Garfunkel. The area was closed off with massive security. Tickets were given away ONLY to "deserving" and "connected" people that the "Global Poverty Project" decided to recognize. Did you give a fortune to them? Then maybe you got a ticket. Are you a BLACK school kid who had a well-connected teacher who knew how to play the race card? Maybe you got in. Did you spend countless hours "volunteering" somewhere, cleaning up garbage with a stick that had a nail in it? Fine.

The reward was seeing a bunch of hacks do their thing, which is as predictable as anyone on Slimy Towel's "Got Talent" shows. It was all a big cliche. A minute or two of "BEY" was more than enough. Did I have to see more of it to tell you what obviously happened? Coldplay made faces. Pearl Jam made faces. Sheeran acted like he was Beck. Various "celebrity" actors and actresses made speeches about global hunger. Zzzzzzz.

The temperature, incidentally, was quite chilly in Central Park, so anyone who didn't bring along a jacket was likely to sit there shivering. They also were likely to be very uncomfortable, squatting on the grass a mile away from the stage, and either using binoculars or glancing up at big fucking screens.

How nice, that music concerts now usually involve going to gigantic cow pastures and watching TV, surrounded by bellowing morons.

It was all for a "good cause." That cause was "pop stars feeling good about themselves," and "corrupt organizations taking all the money."