THE SAINT - was Simon Templar, not Pope Francis

How nice. "The Saint" was in New York (according to one front page headline). New York was treated to a "HEAVENLY" sight.

The only non-smiling photo-op for the Pope was at Ground Zero.

There, from a distance, was the "Godly" visage being solemn.

Well, yeah, he was at Ground Zero, where two buildings collapsed and 3,000 simple office workers lost their lives due to Muslim fanatics.

What could The Pope say about this? "Goddam shame," maybe?

Note that THIS picture gives you more of a sense of what the visit was all about...a few select people having a chance to stand next to him, while everybody else was well behind barriers, most so far away they couldn't even get a decent picture with a telephoto lens. (You remember those? That's when there were actual things called CAMERAS).

This is the kind of event that makes pea-brains wish they lived in New York.

It's also the kind of event that makes New Yorkers wish they lived somewhere else.

For days, the TV news was loaded with warnings on "street closures; the most mammoth traffic jams in the city's history." Ironic isn't it? The Pope comes to a town of 8 million, and nobody gets to see him!

The flashy photos? They were taken by a few elite photographers with PRESS BADGES, allowed access that virtually nobody else could get. There were probably thousands of priests and nuns who had to be embarrassed by people saying, "Are you going to get to meet the Pope? Even SEE the Pope?" NOPE. But a few photographers got to step forward and make it seem that everybody was having a great time with Francis, and that everywhere he went, his smile was curing herpes and making the sun shine.

Thanks to Muslim fanatics, security had to be tight. The Pope's itinerary was mostly a secret. He turned up here and there, and wherever it was, barriers made it impossible for most people to even get a glimpse of him.

How humiliating for New Yorkers to get calls: "Hey, say hello to the Pope for me...take a photo for me...tell me what it was like to see him." Yeah? It's fucking hard enough to see a celebrity at a book signing. It's almost impossible to get a glimpse of a rock star going from limo to dressing room at the Barclay Center. If there's an outdoor concert, a political speech, or even a dopey event like the New York Mets driving ten blocks and waving after winning the World Series...it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to get a look, much less a decent view, even if you've staked out a spot all night.

The biggest "public event" was The Pope driving through a small road in Central Park. "80,000 free tickets" by lottery were somehow distributed so that people could line up along this "parade route" and watch the Pope wave from a car, on his way to a 6pm speech at Madison Square Garden, some 30 torturous blocks away (barriers galore). The tickets were soon snapped up and being re-sold on the Internet. The Pope is big on bitching about the sin of abortion, but how about ticket scalping?

Instead of a few blocks of a parade route, the Pope could've made the NYC Marathon route: driving 26 miles in a few hours, and letting everybody in FIVE boroughs get a chance to see him and wave. BUT...how bullet proof IS that Pope-Mobile? Instead, a few blocks in Manhattan, off Central Park, with bus routes diverted or cancelled, subways not running, and entire streets blocked off to traffic.

Would I have liked to have glimpsed Pope Francis? Yes, actually. But how? How do you get to an area where he'll be driving by, when every street for ten blocks around is shut off by barriers? Assuming you make your pilgrimage by foot, and are lucky enough to live only an hour or two or four from where he's supposed to be, then what? Does this look like a good time?

If you were lucky enough to be in the 10-deep crowd flanking Francis, you probably lived in a nearby building, or were waiting for him for HOURS and HOURS.

Most any big event (New Year's Eve in Times Square, 4th of July fireworks, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade) is fucking HELL for anyone over 20 who isn't in fighting shape).

When Obama comes to town, he usually goes to the U.N. so there's minimal damage. It's all on one side of town. The Pope's journey took him ALL over the city, from downtown (God moves in mysterious ways, allowing the WTC to collapse) to St. Patrick's (where politicians and rich people seemed to have all the seats) to Central Park on the West Side, and to his temporary residence on the East Side (where barriers meant that even people who lived in buildings nearby were going to have trouble getting home).

The Pope's appearance at St. Patrick's, widely broadcast, was an incredible bore. The music was horrible, and some Puerto Rican baritone hogged the spotlight by singing dirge after dirge while the Pope sat staring at a book, paying no attention. When he got up to speak, the first thing he said was an apology to MUSLIMS, because 700 klutzes died on their way to Mecca.

Speaking in his native Spanish, and very slowly so an interpreter could translate every other word, The Pope had nothing very profound to say. And he was saying it to an audience of hypocrite scumbags, not ordinary people. (Not that ordinary people aren't hypocrite scumbags, too.) He could've socked it to the crowd, noting, "And you, Mayor De Spazzio, why are YOU sitting your big warthog ass in a seat that could've gone to some pious Puerto Rican bitch from the Bronx? All you rich assholes only go to church for Midnight Mass, or to see a hotshot like ME. When was the last time you were at St. Pat's, you fuckers?"

It was announced that he would, like Billy Joel, make an appearance at Madison Square Garden. This was such a secret almost nobody knew about it. No TV news reports even mentioned it, or how to get tickets. That event will be taking place later today, and I'm sure the media will slant it as a tremendous triumph, and have close-ups of the Pope's smiling face. Will they quote anything he said? Probably not. Will they interview disappointed people who couldn't even see the Pope except on a gigantic screen, the same way they would've paid $200 for a bad seat for Billy Joel or Madonna? Would they talk about the incredible traffic mess, or how all those thousands of people flooded into the subways or just walked a mile or two before getting a bus home?

The whole thing (including the previous days in Cuba, and Washington D.C.) was treated as if GOD had come to town. Wouldn't it be pretty to think so. Reality check: this guy is not so different from the head of a country, or the leader of any religion. He's a very nice guy, everyone loves him, he's generally forward-thinking (except on abortion and a few other matters) and is definitely more humble than any leader since Jesus himself. But he's just a 78 year-old South American in a dress.

He's tried not to offend the Muslims, that's for sure. Since he only speaks for Catholics, others can easily dismiss anything he says claiming it doesn't apply to them. While it's lovely to have a loving fellow leading a major religion (anyone even know who is speaking for Jews, Hindus or Druids or Episcopalians...) a trip like this is just a disappointing example of a badly run show.

Going down to Ground Zero and feeling bad? What can the guy say? "God moves in mysterious ways?" He's in St. Pat's hanging his head because 700 diapered Islam fanatics trampled themselves? Explain what Allah or Jesus had in mind, would you?

If anything, the whole thing is not amusement, or spirit-raising at all; it's just another disappointment. It was traffic tie-ups, and sad little speeches from an elderly man, and a lot of hype.

Instead of some greasy guy in a robe bellowing hymns, St. Pat's might as well have played that Peggy Lee song: "Is that all there is?"