BILL HOOBASTANK, OVERGROWN FANBOY

Here's a walk down memory lane with an Alzheimer's victim.

It's from FOUR years of snapshots taken at CHILLER conventions. Yes, BILL HOOBASTANK and his wife go semi-annually. This is only because the shows are twice a year.

If there was a show every fucking month, this dimwit would be there, throwing down $20 to $50 for a signed photo and for a photo-op to PROVE he was IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS.

This includes idiots most people never heard of and wouldn't recognize.

Even more embarrassing, this GROWN MAN actually drags his wife along. Mostly she takes the photos and indulges in his pathetic hero-worship of nobodies. But gosh, meeting THE COWSILLS? She passed the camera to somebody else and joined BILL for the photo! WOW!!

Usually a dweeb like this gets off posing with the fading B-list actresses, but it was BILL'S WIFE that desperately wanted to stand next to aging Loni Anderson.

I call this star-struck senile stub BILL HOOBASTANK because it would be cruel to publish his real last name. PS, it's so dopey it looks like a line from the eye chart of a Croatian optometrist.

What could this moron do for a living, where he has so much disposable income and yet not use his brain, and not have any self-esteem? Maybe he's the test wiper in a toilet paper factory?

How giddy this idiot looks in every pose. Nice isn't it, that some dullard can find so much GLEE in standing next to somebody most people never heard of, and wouldn't recognize?

Remember, these are just SELECTIONS from his idiotic Photobucket albums. He wasted HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS having his photo taken with nobodies that he thinks are important.

There are so many mind-numbing photos of him with that same dazed look on his sappy old face, standing next to truly ridiculous and anonymous D-listers.

The pix chosen on this page are mostly the shots where he's actually with SOME people you can recognize. But you sure wish you didn't have to see his brainless semi-grimacing grin, huh? The stars are just happy to pocket $20 for the signature, and $20 to stand next to him. Some of course, probably demanded $40 or even $50 because a) they knew he'd be sap enough to pay for it, and b) it was so unpleasant.

Every year this idiot shows up to get MORE photos of his dopey-looking puss next to people who have enough acting chops to pretend they don't mind his body odor. Or his gooney, lamebrained expression.

I guess this idiot frames the photos and has them on every wall of his pathetic New Jersey home. Or he keeps a special one or two stashed in the bathroom??

Chill Out - More Memorabilia Show Morons Speak

One of the saddest things about these awful "memorabilia shows," is how jerks justify their idiotic fan worship by "blogging" the event. Look, when I went to these stupid things, I actually GOT PAID to photograph and write about 'em. Now these events aren't worth any legit newspaper or magazine's space. I would be bored out of my mind if I had to breathlessly mention that Gilbert Gottfried, comedian and former voice of a duck in a TV commercial, was in attendance. Or worse, have to pump him for a funny quote or two so that he'd make the final cut.

But leave it to dopey nerds to pretend they went to the convention just to "report" on it. No, they went to brag that they got autographs and posed with "stars."

Not only is their copy lame, but the irony, as we see with the London Daily Fail, with horrible gossip shows like TMZ, and the rest of the tabloid tripe, is that these people have ATTITUDE. They think that they are the important ones!

The TMZ buffoons think they have the power to make stars look foolish. And the idiotic amateurs who blog? They figure the stars work for them. After all, the stars are the ones begging for money (just as musicians must beg at gigs with a tip jar, and beg on their websites to please buy the CD and not steal a free download). So these bloggers strut around a convention feeling like big shots, while the stars, sitting at tables and look up, seem to plead, "Buy a photo off me."

Yeah, you stars had better pose with a smile or else! No wonder these nerds can't help but write smug copy about which stars were nice, which ones weren't looking their best, and which ones didn't give them ENOUGH attention.

These bloggers write like they're the new Piers Morgan or worse (is there anything worse??) Below, a few entries from a blog from a typical dweeb with attitude. He complains on his free blog that Gilbert Gottfried (who is notoriously shy, by the way) didn't TALK enough for him. I guess this creep figured that for his $20 Gilbert should've put on a show and told five minutes' worth of jokes. He also neglects to mention that Gilbert didn't just sign a poster or him, but signed FOR PAYMENT. This jerk makes it seem like he's either a pal of Gilbert's, or that he's more famous than Gilbert and entitled to get something signed.

Next entry, he slams Gavin McLeod for wearing a "Love Boat" hat. Note the snide line: "that man knows which side his bread is buttered on."

First off, McLeod knows that people expect him to pose with his fucking "Love Boat" hat on, so he'll be recognized. Second, how hacky to write an ancient cliche phrase like "which side his bread is buttered on." What next, do a mini-bio and say what year in high school "he was bitten by the acting bug"? Oh, I forgot, nerdy bloggers like this don't even bother writing anything about the stars, it's all about THEMSELVES.

This particular wretch, who acts like he got free autographs, is so unsightly he doesn't share the poses with the stars. Usually (see below) even the most repulsive "fan" will do exactly that.

What do you suppose is behind this? It must be this thought: "I can't be that ugly, here's a D-list star posing with me!"

Don't these repulsive pieces of shit realize that fame isn't wiping off on them? That posing with a recognizable or even good-looking star only makes them seem even more ordinary and repugnant?

Here's the start of another verbose blog, with our Fan Nerd mouthing off about what he likes and doesn't like, and it ends with his appraisal that Lee, being cooperative and tolerant of even an insufferable jerk like him, is "recommended" to anyone going to a convention. I'm sure he thought to himself, "Lee was nice to me, I'll be kind, and from my POWERFUL position as an obscure blogger, I'll give her a plug that I'm sure she'll humbly treasure..."

Read that last line, "She was pleasant and gracious." So says somebody unpleasant, ugly and sloppy. HE has a fucking nerve judging anyone. "I would recommend anyone to meet her." Oh, gee, thanks. Coming from a bone-headed slob with a beard like a yak's pubes, that means SO MUCH.

Who'd want to read more from such a moron? I've taken the liberty to remove most of his rambling and egocentric posturing, and re-write the captions to a few select pictures.

Obese Ugly Stupid Star Gazers Visit D-Listers at a Memorabilia Show

They wanna be star-fuckers. The best they can do is be johns. They don't get to fuck the star, but they pay money to these whores who will give them a chance to STAND NEAR THEM.

No, not even phone sex. Not for a lousy $20 or $40. Not a hand job. But gosh, if you're an ugly obese loser, being able to shake Louise Lasser's hand could make you come in your pants, right?

One of the silliest, stupidest events is the "memorabilia show." Big ones like Comic-Con may attract a few top stars, but there are smaller ones in lesser cities. These inevitably feature D-listers, washed up rock singers with a hit or two in the 80's, stars of obscure 60's TV shows, and a few sorry, down on their luck performers who should have better things to do.

Last weekend was "Chiller," a convention in a smelly swamp in New Jersey. The place is not even accessible by fucking bus or train. You need to pay for a cab to take you from the station, so the event mostly attracts local yokels who are used to driving to malls for their lousy food and bad clothes and the rest of their dubious kicks.

The drill at these events is paying $20 or more at the door, JUST for the privilege of being able to buy garbage, bootlegs, posters, and "action figures" and other clutter. The bonus is a few rooms full of tables and "celebrities" who will sign a photo for $20 or $40, and in most cases, charge a quick $20 to get up and stand with you for a photo op.

Who in their right mind would pay an obscure star to have a photo taken? Someone with low esteem, obviously. But the tricky psychology here, is that Joe Obese Jerk gets the upper hand, so he thinks. HE has the money, and the star doesn't.

Like the trick and the whore, each think they're getting the better of the deal. The Star Worshipper: "She smiled at me! She was grateful to get my money!" The star: "Hey, all I did was stand with this guy and I got $20. I'm still famous and desirable, right?"

As Groucho used to say, you don't want to join a club that would have you as a member, so seeing stars whore themselves for any idiot with a sweaty $20 bill is kind of repulsive. You have to be delusional and have a lot of moronic friends to want to show off a photo-op or an autograph you PAID FOR.

And when you see the kind of ridiculous fools who show up with their starry-eyed pasty faces, or worse, their raised eyebrow smirks as if the star paid THEM for the photo op, you really question why you're standing around and don't have a barf bag handy. Which is why I haven't been to one of these in ten years...and when I did, it was because I was covering the event as a reporter. Back then, the shows were novelties and there were dozens o big stars. This year? Only Ann-Margret. She controlled the action and the hefty price, and rather than pose at her table, she insisted on good lighting and a special "booth" and a pro photographer.

Talk about "mugging" for the camera? Fatty was mugging every woman he could find, grabbing a feel, making a face.

Guys like him go from table to table, throwing down their money because, as they prove by their obesity, it's QUANTITY not QUALITY. Who is this idiot who looks like Jim Belushi?? It's Richard Karn, who was a co-star in some sitcom nobody with a brain would ever have watched. And now he's a nobody grinning at taking $20 off an even more ridiculous nobody.

After "Chiller," these pathetic "fans" rush to FARCEBOOK or their BLOGS to show off their prizes. Some have blogs with headers like, "Jerkoff's Celebrity Sightings" or "Pathetic Willie's STAR ENCOUNTERS." Or "A GALLERY OF MY STAR FRIENDS!" Yeah. Or they show up on FARCEBOOK with their brags of how they drove to a stupid convention and paid people to be nice to them.

Don't they realize that they are posing with people who care NOTHING about them? That literally hundreds of people have used that same star for a photo op?

This dope had an entire blog page loaded with his proud pictures of his ugly grinning self and D-listers like this...

He was an exception...ugly but thin. Usually, it's ugly AND FAT.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, it was sad venerable actor Rip Torn was among the dross, and making himself seem on the same level as some guy who was in a Roger Corman horror film in 1958 and nothing much since. And Ann-Margret trying to, what, build up her audience for some Vegas show? As in, "If I sign or pose with a thousand New Jersey idiots, I'll make $20,000 AND a few might come see me when they take their annual Vegas vacation..."

A big star is not likely to be around all day. You can bet Ann made sure the sweaty obese guys had to stand in line for hours, and feel grateful for paying a premium price to "get" her.

To be fair, some "stars" do look forward to this rare chance to make some money and be recognized, even if they have to put up a bunch of movie posters and wear a name tag to do it. Heard of Dick Miller? Would you recognize him now if he wasn't at a table with stills of him in his prime? Or the guy from "Mod Squad" or "Time Tunnel?" Yes, the lady who was in both "Time Tunnel" and "Barnaby Jones" and an episode of "Star Trek" was validated by $20 or $25 per photo, but I didn't notice any blogs in which she posed next to some horribly obese cretin. Then again, after a few glances at such blogs, I had to stop looking.

More odds and ends.