That tired, tired JAMES BOND circus is coming to town.
"New James Bond film! Let's promote it..." by attacking Sean Connery. By playing the race card. By doing everything except say "it's worth seeing."
After all, whoever is Bond, it's the same shit: endless car chases to thrill the morons, lame tame "romance" moments because Bond films DON'T show you bare titties, and just when you're nodding off, some special effects.
Has it ever really mattered how handsome James Bond is?
Not since Sean Connery forged the franchise, no.
We've had ass-eyed idiots (Timothy Dalton) and round-faced dopes (Pierce Brosnan) and corny TV actors enunciating witless one-liners (Roger Moore) and, oh yes, Lazenby. People are SO fucking bored they even bother to talk about him.
Now that Blondie has played Bond more than enough times to rely on theme music ("oooooooh Adelllllllllle") here, to the rescue are two ridiculous "controversies" thanks to 87 year-old stumblebum Moore, and even older Honor Blackman.
Moore wasn't hopping up and down like a jungle bunny over the idea of Idris Elba playing Bond JUST because Elba is BLACK. Roger had to apologize. Why should't the Queen Mother be played by a BLACK? Or Richard III? Go get Whoopi Goldberg and Lenny Henry. What provocateur Piers pest keeps saying "James Bond should be BLACK?" Why? Because they turned Little Orphan Annie inky? Why the FUCK does EVERYBODY have to be BLACK? Nobody's THAT interested in the reverse. KEEP all the white rappers, and throw in Bieber.
Why is it that we're not encouraging BLACKS to become ballet dancers and opera singers and concert pianists? Oh. They already DID it once so we don't have to suffer through it some more? What's the fetish, then? You know, we haven't had a Jewish James Bond. Anyone concerned about that? Of course not.
After Roger Moore went into hiding, they needed somebody else to promote this new Bond fiasco, so they called on dependably independent Honor Blackman, who surely wouldn't DIS-honor BLACKmen.
Instead she declared Daniel Craig, the one who needs our money, is MUCH better than the poor schmuck SHE got stuck with.
The important thing is get people talking about a topic almost as worthless as the Kardashians: JAMES BOND.
Let's cut the topic down.
Daniel Craig is one ugly bastard, and that's what he has going for him.
He looks like everybody's nightmare chav. Frankly, he looks like a Russian. He's got ugly dead eyes. He has a nose that should be broken a few more times. He has a stupid pouty mouth that looks like an old lady's change purse.
He turned James Bond from a suave guy into a dirty blond creep. Times change. Next time, a Jamaican-accented James Bond? A Syrian James Bond? Come on now, let's find a spy who is more likely to go places and fit in. Like Middle Eastern toilets.
Honor Blackman's nasty remark about Sean Connery reflects on his entire career as an actor. She didn't say, "He played James Bond as he was supposed to play him in the early 60's." She didn't add, "You can see some tremendous acting throughout his career." She suggested that Connery wasn't much of anything, just a pin-up model who got lucky. He didn't need to be a great actor to be Bond, and nobody else does, either. What's so great about anything Daniel Craig's done with the role? Being nasty isn't "acting." It's being nasty.
Isn't it rather easy to feign pain when somebody is supposedly kicking you in the balls? I don't recall any moment in any of his films where I thought, "Wow, that's a fantastic actor." No, because every step of the way I was INSTEAD thinking, "When is this fucking boring film going to take off?"
Bond films are all about 70% snoring and waiting for something to happen. If you're expecting a clever line, it's 100% waiting. And yes, that includes John Cleese's phoned-in cameos.
The funny thing about Honor Blackman is she wasn't a singer when she made "Everything I've Got," which is a very good album. She also managed to help poor Patrick MacNee stay somewhat on key for "Kinky Boots." Should someone have complained back then, "She's NOT a very good singer?" She wasn't and still isn't, if you mean holding a note like Shirley Bassey.
One of the last times I ventured into a stinking, reeking movie theater (popcorn, butter, and people) was to see "Casino Royale" with Blondie. That was a LONG time ago, and I have no intention of coming back. I don't care how big the screen or how gaudy the special effects, I'm not sitting with a bunch of loudmouth monkeys, and being distracted by selfies and cell phones and screaming babies and shouting ethnics and thinking THIS fucking Daniel Craig asshole is SUCH a great actor he's going to make me forget that I'm in a theater that's more like a ZOO.
I'll watch Bond like I've watched all his last ones...via an illegal download. And yes, I'll even quote the line, "Nobody's suffering from it, either. They can pay this ugly mug millions of dollars and they're filming it all over the world. Nobody's hurting in the world of James Bond." Yes, even the kick in the balls was fake.
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