AMY'S ONE-WOMAN HISTORICAL SHOW

Inspired by a 70-something crooner who likes to give lectures as Abe Lincoln, AMY WAGGA STAFF has unveiled her new project:

"10 Lectures as Winston Churchill."

Quoting from her Kickstarter campaign:

"Please indulge me. I promise I won't cop out when less than 3 people check my YouTube page each month.

"I have decided to read Winston Churchill speeches. I am very expressive. My eyes roll up and down as I read. I really do look like Winston Churchill. The main difference is I don't smoke a cigar, I just shove one in my twat. (This is because my husband is away at sea. He joined the River Police and drowned. Sapristi!)

"I am inspired to be just like Sir Wine Stain. Er, Sir Winston. All that I have to give, is blood, sweat and twat lube. I will give these...as bonuses for donations of more than 10 pence. Yes, you will get a microscope slide containing a drop of my sweat, or a tampon that has a bit of menstrual blood and/or twat lube. The choice is mine.

"Please do NOT give to my rival, Saskia, who has decided to stop shaving her twat and impersonate Thatcher. What an egotistic cunt! She identifies with Maggie and figures she knows it all and should tell everyone what to do."

In a related development, Knickerless Payne insists he does "a very good impression of Sid James, as he is today." Carry on, Knickerless.

Steve Cunts: The fat man moans for Tyson Fury

IF I'M BEING HONEST, I don't really mind Steve Cunts Bunce. You get used to blowhard sports reporters. It's how they get attention. They need a colorful (grating) voice, or an unusual (fat or ugly or both) look. They've learned that to be opinionated is a GOOD thing.

But really, any self-important asshole on GooTube could've taken a minute to be boring and obvious in commenting on dimwit yob Tyson Fury testing positive for cocaine. Cunts wasn't even opinionated, unless you count him moaning that it's a "tragedy" and a "disaster" that a self-absorbed selfish shit-for-brains couldn't stay off drugs.

Blah Blah Cunts said: "It is a mess…a tragedy for Tyson Fury. It’s a terrible end to what should have been a brilliant reign as heavyweight champion.”

We get this dumb statement after waiting 15 seconds for a commercial? How's that for value? Waste 15 seconds of your life to hear 60 seconds of blabber from Mr. Blubber (who uses a picture from 20 years ago when he weighed 20 stone less).

After this dull comment, time is up. You only get 60 seconds and the new segment (his project for the future of the division) won't begin till AFTER ANOTHER 15 second insult to your intelligence.

Cunts told us that Fury will be stripped of his titles and we'll have four different champions. Duh. They'll then fight each other: "The only good thing to come out of this absolute disaster that happened to Tyson Fury is by the end of 2017 we might have just one heavyweight champion.”

Gee, you couldn't get THAT kind of brilliance on GooTube...unless you checked out any of GooTube's 200 or 300 hundred would-be Bunces or Kellermans (the goggle-eyed jerk from HBO). There's no shortage of jerks who like to sit in front of a camera and act like what they say is worth hearing.

Thanks to England having so many champs these days, "Big Daddy Bunce" (as he calls himself on Twitter...how corny and witless does it get) seems to be called on by American websites as the "expert" on anyone with an incomprehensible accent who is actually speaking English.

No, Cunts, this wasn't an "absolute disaster." A disaster would be if Big Ben fell on top of the bastard. A disaster would be if one of your farts knocked over Audley Harrison (and it's very possible Audley WOULD go down from something like that).

Tyson Fury is an arrogant stupid fool got caught. He did it to himself.

No great loss here. He was a crappy boxer. He was more of a personality, if you LIKE loudmouth braggart bullies with bad personal hygiene.

Let's also remember that this big goon was dropped by a cruiserweight (Steve Cunningham). He became champ beating a guy almost twice his age in a sluggish fight where nobody did much of anything. He's hardly a major talent and would probably have been decked in two rounds by Anthony Joshua or Deontay Wilder among others.

"A tragedy for Tyson Fury," moans Cunts. It's a comedy for everyone else, "big daddy." A big laugh: "Look at the Yob, taking the fall like he did after a Steve Cunningham punch." He was a boring loudmouth boor and now he's a has-been. Maybe one day he'll end up in a jail cell with nothing better to do than give blowjobs to Herbie Hide. What a mis-named moron. Tyson Fury? Crapfaced Cokehead is more like it.

Because they're KILLER RELIGIOUS FANATICS, That's Why

Good for YOU, Bulgaria.

You just might have less psychos pouring into YOUR country.

The United Nations should declare, "WHO NEEDS THIS SHIT? IF YOUR ALLAH IS SO IMPORTANT, STAY IN YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY AND LET HIM TAKE CARE OF YOU."

This applies to ALL religious fanatics that are abnormal. Enough with letting maniacs sacrifice goats or kill chickens (which they do with impunity in America and elsewhere).

The old joke-line is, "What, it's against your religion?"

And the answer is YES. Tolerance IS against their shitty religion. Just ask simpering sensitive Yusuf Cat Stevens, who figures that if you write something that disagrees with his mighty Allah-Kazam, if you draw a cartoon, if you gently and non-violently question somebody's lousy BELIEFS, that's punishable by DEATH.

So yeah, fuck these mysterious burqa bitches. If ALLAH really declared they shouldn't show their faces in public, they should've been born WITHOUT 'EM.

Johnny's More COMMERCIAL New Identity

He was getting no attention doing the old standards.

He realized his name was dull, and he needed to spice up his song list.

Now being shopped to major record labels...

Shave down the Bush

What? Yet ANOTHER older star doing a fucking BOX SET?

Is this anything to cheer about?

Maybe if she's going to sit her butt in a chair and sign them for her aging nerd-fans. Otherwise, who'd want to dump so much money to Amazon? Besides Darren Cock?

The set, we're told, "is dominated by her fifth studio album Hounds Of Love, which features across all three acts.

The first act includes songs from throughout the Wuthering Heights singer’s career, including Running Up That Hill and Never Be Mine.

On the second CD – or act two – a spoken monologue titled Astronomer’s Call is included followed by a series of tracks from The Ninth Wave — side two of 1985′s Hounds Of Love.

Act three features songs from the 2005 album Aerial before ending with Among Angels from 50 Words For Snow and Cloudbusting, which is another Hounds Of Love track.

Anyone REALLY excited by this? Mostly the same stuff, just "live?" As if Kate was such an innovative vocalist the live versions were radically different from the studio ones? Put it this way, that old Hammersmith Odeon show was memorable because of her fanciful miming and her pert body and face, not the singing.

Couldn't this shit have easily fit shaved down to ONE CD of the "best" material? Which wouldn't include all the fucking screeching?

How nice that older fans have the disposable income to indulge aging stars in the antiquated "box set" Christmas prezzie idea. But how many of her fans croaked in the two years since she appeared in concert? How many more have no idea how to get to a record store or operate their computers anymore? Fortunately quite a few have such bad eye sight they won't mind that Kate's super-sized.

That's why he's called The Commode Odor

Melissa, My Nigga - You CAN'T DO THAT! You iz WHITE!

Melisssa, my Nigga. You just learned a lesson.

You took a selfie, thought you looked cool, and used a real COOL word under your photo.

You were SO proud of being BAD.

You, SO bad ass: a white chick in a police uniform!

You wrote under the photo: "I'm the law today, Nigga!"

And you got yo' ass fired.

You didn't mean you were going to go out and arrest Niggas. Too bad. An apology ain't enough.

Why? Because woman is the Nigger of the world?

Nah, it's just that if a Nigga calls white people names, or won't stand for the National Anthem, or sings violent rap songs, it's ok. It's what Niggas do.

It's part of what we call the "double standard," my Nigga.

Any day on any urban street, you'll hear the word NIGGA. Often, it'll be used by idiot whites. They call each other NIGGA. They think it's KEWL. It's in RAP songs, after all.

I know. It's ridiculous. So are teen girls yelling at each other, "SUCK MY DICK!"

You hear that, too.

People are fuckin' parrots. At a prestigious high profile banquet for the White House Press Corps, attended by all kinds of big names, a black guy hired to be the "amusement" gave a comedy monologue. He ended it by congratulating the guest of honor, President Obama, on fulfilling eight years as America's first black President: "You did it, my Nigga!"

No, my Nigga.

That doesn't mean YOU can use "NIGGA" as a generic "tough" word.

You thought it WAS a generic "tough" word at this point, yo. Just something you add to a sentence, know wuttum sayin'? Just a way of being hip, baby.

But white and black will never be equal, will always fight over who is cooler, and will always have reasons to be envious of the other.

There will be things niggas think whites get away with. There will be things whites think niggas get away with.

This includes slang words.

Now you know better, Nigga!

Bobbing for Street-Legal Boots - and, why not FUCK OFF?

I don't mean to sound UNGRATEFUL, but:

FUCK OFF, BOB.

A 36 Disc Set? Right, it'll make a great Chanukah gift for kike-nerds and a wonderful Christmas present for old hippie burn-outs.

Dylan is quite likely the single greatest and most important and influential songwriter of the past 50 years.

You could argue he's the greatest of the past century. Who is he competing against? Cole Porter or Irving Berlin?

Dylan is Great. Dylan is God. But there are better things to do than sit and listen to 36 fucking discs of 1966 concerts.

Even the biggest fanatics of various solo assholes and oh-so-worth-idolizing progrock groups can't justify that kind of waste of time. They balk at a five disc set. They grouse at a ten disc set. They threaten that they'll grab it off torrents instead of pay for it. And most would admit there's no way they'll EVER listen to all of it.

I'm including myself...I have dozens of live shows on Dylan, Zevon, even Pickle Hardup, and I haven't gotten around to listening to 'em all even ONCE. Most of it is predictable. It's essentially the same show.

This isn't 36 discs of new material or even outtakes with different lyrics. It's an ear-numbing bunch of "the same song again and again and again."

There's already a ton of "official bootleg" stuff out there, and much of it is overkill. Even if he DOES have five or ten different versions of "Love Minus Zero" with some changes in lyrics or tempo...it's the SAME OLD SONG.

How many of us listen to all that Beatles at the Beeb shit? All those fucking "Let it Be" outtakes? Every goddam time Lennon tortured his mates with five monotonous minutes of "Mary Jane at the party?"

The irony is that the one thing people want most from Bob is still not out: a comparison of the two very different versions of "Blood on the Tracks." What, he's waiting for 2025?

It's certainly an ego trip that stars know they can actually dispose of a thousand, or five thousand copies of an extravagant box set. But that's all it is.

Pay to Punch Smelly Shkreli ?

Oh, isn't THIS cute?

It's a "Pay to Play" publicity stunt from one of the most odious assholes in America.

"PUNCH ME IN THE FACE FOR CHARITY" he chortles.

This is the way media whores are.

This sociopath LOVES his reputation as "one of the most hated men in America."

His stinky friend, who LOVED to orchestrate publicity schemes, and who made money from PORN COMPANIES by rushing to the Daily Fail and Daily Snooze with crude stunts, would be "looking down from heaven and smiling" at THIS one.

No, his friend is DEAD. Plain DEAD. He's neither in heaven nor hell. Shkreli's publicist was a slimeball who also worked for a porn company. Yeah, he was probably the one who would rush to the media and say: "I'll pay a million bucks if Jennifer Lawrence hands over two minutes where she gives a blow job and gets a load on her face" or "My client is ready to pay a million of Kanye will go down on Kim."

Karma didn't kill the creepy publicist. He died. Karma didn't make his son have cancer either.

Shkreli, also one of the UGLIEST slimeballs in America, is relishing this phony stunt. You can bet you will NEVER see the punch thrown.

It's quite likely he'll say, a few weeks later if anyone asks, "Oh, THAT idea, well, the high bidder was a fake, so I abandoned the idea entirely. Nevermind."

It would indeed be quite amusing IF somebody reputable, like Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon, actually DID put up $100,000 and got Mike Tyson to land a punch guaranteed to dislocate Shkreli's jaw. TV game shows and talk shows routinely waste a lot less money to book a guest or get some attention. Oprah Winfrey once gave everybody in her studio audience a new car.

It's also amusing to know that some morons are disliked, but would hardly even get a FIVERRRR for the chance to give 'em a kick in the ass.

But we know this news item is shit, because the 21st Century is shit, and classless stupid publicity gimmicks are what fills up shitty Internet websites and crappy tabloids.

This guy should be in jail or shunned as a leper. Owning a Big Pharma company, and deliberately raising the price on an important drug is so typical of why Americans are hated all over the world.

The Gay Clique : Jann Wenner sucking James Corden dick

James Corden is effeminate.

He loves skipping around on a Broadway stage. He loves singing KARAOKE. He's a pudgy girly-man. And that's why Jann Wenner is in love.

Wenner actually put CORDEN on the cover of ROLLING STONE. CORDEN! A fat, silly, trivial late-late night host who is not even winning his time slot.

That's what the gay clique does.

And don't tell me, "But Corden is married." So? A lot of faggots are married. He could be sucking guys off on the sly. He ACTS gay, and his show is loaded up with lame, limp-wristed idiotic guests "dishing" shit and singing KARAOKE.

If you want to read the article on the ROLLING STONE website, you better have a strong filter, because you'll be blitzed with tons of ads, all distracting and flashing in every direction.

Yes, the anal THRUST of this cover story (if you can read it over all the throbbing ads) is that pudgy wimp Corden "CONQUERED" late night. No, he didn't. The CBS pussy is SECOND to NBC's Seth Meyers (who follows Jimmy Fallon's "Tonight Show" and gets Millennial heteros.

The faggy article on Corden burbles about how he had ADELE doing a KARAOKE segment, and how, oooh ooh, even if fatso James isn't leading in the ratings, so what, he's leading on GooTube. Yes, everyone, the REAL show of popularity is getting hits on GooTube, and Corden gets those by upping his KARAOKE shit.

After slobbering all over Obese Boy's anus, Wenner's rag gives a complete history of this useless putz, and points out how he was on BROADWAY. Yeah, looking like the world's biggest faggot.

There's even the sob story of how he was a fat child, looking remarkably like...ADELE.

And on and on it goes, celebrating effeminacy and triviality. The fucking world is falling apart, and ROLLING STONE puts THIS idiot on the cover. THIS idiot is considered trendy. Well, yeah, at one time ROLLING STONE was about guts, rock and what FITS, not about TRENDY.

What passes for entertainment in this world is vapid, pointless, amateurish, and most of all, NOT AMUSING.

Statues of Limitations

WHAT the fuck century is this?

It seems like the need for graven images and statues is stronger than ever.

Thanks to some GoFUNDMe bullshit or other, $23,000 was raised for THIS ugly thing:

Retarded drug addicts can now go hobble over to this shrine for...LEMMY.

Oooh, THE GREAT GOD LEMMY.

Like the Huelbig nitwits who like to visit graveyards and take their photos next to tombstones, empty-skulls can pretend they've met LEMMY because they've seen a statue of him.

The point of this? A photo isn't good enough? Of an ugly headbanging brain-dead heavy metal jackass?

Is this even accurate? There seems to be a few less warts on his fucked-up face.

It's certainly a strange thing when you come upon a statue of some historical figure. You're walking in a park and there's...well, it's not REALLY Lord Nelson or George Washington. It's a creepy bronze replica about twice the size of a human, and up on a gigantic pedestal. What's it mean? "Gee, he was larger than life!"

For a moment you might have some odd satisfaction: "I've met Lord Nelson!" Then you realize YOU HAVEN'T. Then you think, "Well, I've honored his memory by pausing at his monument." But YOU HAVEN'T. You are looking at a lifeless chunk of metal, one that means less and less over the years, as more and more Millennials and Muslims walk right by thinking, "Lord Nelson means NOTHING to me, and a big statue isn't changing my little mind."

Now that it's the 21st Century and there ARE NO GREAT MEN, idiots have to make statues to rock stars.

Far more worthy than Lemmy, but still not really worth a statue, is THIS guy.

Anyone recognize him?

ANYONE?

Don't all shout his name at once.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, he looks like any boring jerk to me. And what's he holding onto a pole for? Is he high, man?

Yes, aside from the great LEMMY, yet another rocker was immortalized recently. It's Glenn Frey, although you could as easily have thought it was most any member of the Eagles, Poco, Burrito Brothers, etc.

It's a sad thing that Glenn is gone, but The Eagles weren't THAT important. They AREN'T that important. They sang a few easy listening pop tunes ("Life in the Fast Lane" for one), and that ooky-spooky mysterious "Hotel California." So? They were millionaires. They got Grammy awards. A fucking statue, especially such a lame one, is pretty pointless.

Even more lame is that a lot of idiotic Decidr Pretendr Gawkr Huffy-puffy news-stealing websites got it wrong, and posted THIS picture saying it was Glenn:

So, who is THIS guy? He's "standing on the corner of Winslow, Arizona" (as if Winslow is so small it only has a square foot??)

Then this tourist attraction MUST be either Jackson Browne or Glenn Frey, the writers of "Take it Easy." Guess again.

No. You're wrong.

This is a statue of NOBODY, just some jerk standing on the corner of WInslow, Arizona. It's actually the sculptor's son. But when reports came out that there was a statue of Glenn Frey and it was in Winslow...yeah, it HAD to be THIS one. Proofreading and fact-checking is no longer a priority.

Why put up statues of people so ordinary, and of such limited contributions to life in general, that you can't even recognize who the fuck they are?

Meanwhile in Ireland, a sculptor is planning on a nude of a blonde with a flat chest and big eyes sitting on her toilet, shaving her twat. Why, it could rival the Manneken Pis, that tourist attraction in Brussels. At least so they hope. "We're hoping to raise $25,000 on Kickstarter," says Shauna, "but we can't start until I become at LEAST as famous as Lemmy or Glenn Frey."

Don't hold your breath, Cuntwell.

Bill's Islamic Gurgle

"I'm thinking of bidding on the new Yusuf Cat Stevens GREATEST HITS album," gurgles Bill Hoobastank.

He figures there are a lot of soft-headed old hippies out there who'll buy it JUST to support a Muslim. What better way to show the world that not all Muslims are dangerous, than to embrace cuddly little Yusuf?

Why, he ONLY agreed that it was a good idea to kill Rushdie, and that Islamic laws must always be obeyed. Let's ignore it and listen to him croon "Wild World" accompanied by guitar and the ka-ching of a cash register.

One thing about James Taylor, you KNEW he was a psycho. He had that Anthony Perkins stare. But Cat Stevens acted as if he was normal. Just imagine if he happened to meet Rushdie at a party...and stabbed the man to death. It could've happened.

"As for the new album," Bill says, "The deal hinges on one thing: if he'll take $20 to pose for a photo with me."

Bill hasn't changed his diaper in several days now. "I thought he might be more prone to come over and stand next to me if I smell like stinky halal food!"

Scarlet Ribbin'

At least she didn't get obese.

You might remember her "mesmerizing gypsy" stare as she played the violin while Dylan shouted about "Hurricane," the guy who couldn't possibly have killed a bunch of people in a bar. Except he most likely did.

Does she sometimes wander into some small folkie club in Woodstock and sit in on some other has-been's set? And do five or ten white-haired hippies give her that smatter of applause? Sure.

She just doesn't sing...

"...and we all lose our looks in the end. But square-cut or pear-shaped those rocks don't lose their shape. Diamonds are a girl's best friend."

Diamonds yes. Royalties? Dream on.

If Scarlet had money to waste, she might've gone down to the Southwest Regional Folk Alliance Conference.

De what?

Just like there's no shortage of sad pay-to-play venues that record company execs don't visit (what, there ARE record company execs anymore?) there's no shortage of corny fairs, ridiculous outdoor festivals, and con-job MUSIC CONFERENCES.

Depressing, isn't it? Are you like me, have you heard of less than THREE of these acts?

(IF I'M BEING HONEST, I only heard of two of 'em).

So what's the deal: "It's a tax deduction. It's a chance to "network" with other singer-songwriters at least. If there's almost zero chance of even getting signed to an indie "roots" label, it's another chance to PERFORM."

The fab event takes place at a fucking Holiday Inn on "Middle Fiskville Road." Attendees get the special $95 room rate. Aside from the "showcase" people, dozens upon dozens more are gonna show up. To do what? Mill around conference rooms, sniff at desks where people are trying to sell their CD Baby garbage, or attend "lectures" given by people who USED to be in the industry and now have to travel around talking about how to get ahead?

Oh yes, Roland, tell us more: "$195 is the registration fee to attend, $25 is the added SHOWCASE fee, a special higher rate to be publicized in the conference booklet, and even MORE money to get your own "in room showcase," where people MIGHT shuffle in, stare at your CD-Baby garbage, listen to you sing, and nod wanly and leave.

Let's not forget an extra fee to take an AD out in the conference booklet, and don't forget you're responsible for your own food, and the fare for the bus to the train to the plane to the bus to the cab to the Holiday Inn.

No surprise that most of the dozens upon dozens attending this thing are Texans, most of them playing their hideous indie shit in freaky Austin clubs. Only a few are desperate or optimistic enough to actually fly in for it.

Of course you could stay home and bat your big brown eyes in an Internet photo and demand a fiverrrr to mewl a minute of a song and email it in an mp3 file.

Making it in show biz...it's easier than ever. Just pay-to-play and wait and see. And wait. And wait.

The Cat Came Back - Mr. Muslim-Sensitive

Aw, come on everybody, let's embrace the Muzzies. The more they massacre people, the more we should LOVE them. It's the CHRISTIAN way.

And what better way to FEEL GOOD about the Muzzies than to go stand around some hippie-dippie outdoor stadium cheering that mild-mannered, ultra-sensitive YUSUF CAT STEVENS.

Who? Steven Demetre Georgiou. Who became Cat Stevens. Who became YUSUF ISLAM.

NOW? Now he's billing himself as Yusuf Cat Stevens.

Ahhh, the PEACE symbol. Don't you LOVE IT?

Yes, the guy who sang (er, GROWLED) "Peace Train."

Cat Stevens had two modes: the mewl and the growl. For most of his songs, he'd put on this phony mewl, singing in a quivering, sensitive, pleading voice: "Ewww baby baby it's a wild world..."

To show emotion in a song, he'd switch to a throaty growl: "Here comes the PEACE TRAIN!"

Basically he was either a wimp or a brat throwing a tantrum.

This kind of crap got him the adoration of co-eds everywhere. He specialized in fanciful whimsies, and in an era where retarded twats were discovering Tolkien, he sold his albums with children's book illustratins and lame titles like "Teaser and the Firecat" and "Tea for the Tillerman." He seemed a pretty harmless Dildo Baggins. James Taylor had "Fire and Rain" and Cat had "Wild World."

Eventually Taylor and Stevens went out of fashion with their monotonous sound-alike hooting. Taylor fucked Carly Simon for a while (as Cat Stevens had, earlier) and took drugs. Stevens took the opposite route and became became a psycho Muslim in a beanie, with a beard, and little glasses. He decided that if the music world wouldn't accept every shitty sound-a-like song and make it a Top Ten hit, he'd pull a fatwa and declare the music world DEAD. Don't call me Cat Stevens. I'm Yusuf ISLAM and GOD loves me, so I don't care if YOU DON'T.

This Greek British freak decided he was an Iranian or something. When crazy Ayatollah Kockamamie held US soldiers as hostage, when Iran called for the destruction of Israel, and Rushdie was threatened with death for WRITING stuff where was Yusuf? Piously devoted to the destructive and vicious insanity.

Asked if he'd participate in burning Rushdie in effigy, Mr. Sensitive said he didn't see any point to it — because it wasn't burning the ACTUAL MAN.

Ewwww baby, baby, it's a wild world, indeed.

Cat Stevens was one of the shittiest, most pretentious, most inept songwriters of the 70's. His best known song is a condescending piece of drivel. "I'll always remember you like a child, girl." Right, this pedophile can't hold onto his 12 year-old (he should've fucked her at 7 or 8 like Mohammad did with HIS child-brides). As the 12 year-old wanders off looking for nice clothes to wear and other things a lot more fun than sucking a greasy Greek's dick, he pulls a "feel sorry for me" act, and then darkly warns "there's a lot of bad and beware." Yeah, Mr. Positive.

This clod was always a user, always a player, and he knew exactly how to create a persona that would get him the money and the ladies. Like Ringo strutting around waving the peace sign, this fucker would snivel and strum, and act humble, and the next thing he knew, he'd be in bed with Carly Simon and other easy-lay hippie chicks. Eww, baby baby, that Cat Steven was such a NICE guy. Yeah? He had no reason NOT to be, considering he was making millions of dollars and just had to wander around looking like a puppy and get any admiring bitch into bed.

But then the hits stopped because he was a one-trick moron. So he became a religious fanatic. Yeah, who needs royalty checks? Wear a white pillbox hat and a woman's dress and sit around pondering Allah.

And tell people it's a good idea to kill a WRITER. How would that putz feel if some sand nigger in a robe declared a fatwa on HIM? "Kill Cat Stevens, he is an infidel who sings to women he is not married to. He offers frivolous songs. He is not devoted to God like WE are."

Fast forward a few decades, and he got bored with his hummus. He got tired of sitting around with his Koran and his figs. He had an age crisis and wanted to be surrounded by adoring women again, and he couldn't if he was in a sandbox somewhere dressed like an old woman. He came back and...STARTED BOMBING.

Only he didn't do it with gunpowder in a backpack, he did it with shitty albums under the "Yusuf Islam" name. They were even WORSE than the shit from Macca or Elton or Paul Simon. They were truly BORING BOMBS.

Maybe people didn't realize "Yusuf Islam" was "Cat Stevens?" NOW they do. NOW this user is booking himself for hippie-dippie festivals and singing the OLD songs that people recognize. He's YUSUF CAT STEVENS, and he's pushing himself as some kind of Muslim ambassador. "Hey, the Muslims have a rock star. The Muslims can't be that bad. Let's all go to a Cat Stevens show, which we figure won't be interrupted by Isis! Let's all do the wave! Let's flick our cigarette lighters and wave them! Ewww, baby baby!"

Except we're talking about the little prick who said Rushdie's assassination would be a GOOD thing. The KILLING of a WRITER was a GOOD THING. He, the Ayatollah, and GOD approved!

Let me put it this way, the other world-famous Muslim, Muhammad Ali, did NOT say it was a good thing. Muhammad Ali, in fact, went to prison rather than kill anyone, even North Vietnamese.

Today, Yusuf Cat Stevens is telling everyone to STOP bringing up the Rushdie story. Because...it might affect ticket sales.

So, oafish, overweight, idiotic Pollyannas who remember this jerk from 40 years ago, flock to his shows and grin when he sings "Wild World." And they don't think HE contributed to this being a "Wild World?" They don't think that his interviews agreeing to the death of Rushdie influenced others to become fanatic Muslims and to harass non-believers?

Delusional Muslims think a "Peace Train" is something that runs over Christians and leaves them in pieces. Radical ISLAM jerks think killing is justified for writers and cartoonists and gays and Christians etc etc.

Yusuf Con Artist is ba-a-a-a-a-ck. And, eww baby baby, it's a wilder world than ever.

"Well, Goodness Gracious Me!"

Oh dear. Oh dear.

Will you have naan with your semi-automatic weapon? A nice glass of lassi before you go firing at innocent people? Perhaps some spicy goat curry to help fire you up??

The latest in what seems to be an every day "asshole starts firing at people" incident, involves THIS happy guy:

He had thousands of BULLET NUM-NUMS!

Up until yesterday he was an obscure 46 year-old lawyer.

His father, PRAKASH, gave him an American first name: NATHAN.

Somehow this Indian, who wasn't a very good lawyer and wasn't making much money, decided to open fire on his Houston neighbors. He fired his guns at passing cars, too.

Do you suppose he began doing a sing-song rhyme as the shots rang out??

"I am a little Hindu!
I do all that I kin-du
to puncture holes
In heathen souls
with bullets in your skin-do!"
(Well, the guy was crazy, so why expect him to come up with a perfect limerick. Besides, limericks are Irish.)

Cops had to shoot him down when he wouldn't stop firing at them.

Just to make the story a little spicier, the late great Mr. Desai had decorated himself in Nazi insignias.

Oooh, silly man!

OH, CAN-A-DAHHH, you get to see KATE and her BRATS!

Most days, what The Royals do do in England STAYS in England. Thank God.

BUT...do they STAY in England? Of course not. Kate and Baldy and the brats are prone to taking trips to other countries to show themselves off and be "ambassadors."

Er...doesn't the UK actually HAVE ambassadors? America does. There are a lot of plastic people, ex-actresses, and other mannequins who show up at banquets and balls JUST to be figureheads for the home country. Caroline Kennedy as an ambassador to Italy or somewhere.

The Geek Squad (er, the Prince and Duchess, or Duke and Douche, and the two spawn) are now in Canada. This is BIG news.

Somehow, American websites figure Canada is close enough, so why not devote endless coverage to this ridiculous event? There's been a day-by-day tally of how much Kate spends on her outfits...

WHO THE FUCK CARES, AND WHY DON'T THEY STAY THE FUCK IN ENGLAND??

If the commoners are stupid enough to adore THE ROYALS and keep up the archaic "class system," and consider homely morons to be their superiors, let 'em. ONE day the UK will be so full of Muzzers the "tradition" WILL be over.

That these idiots pick up and lah-de-dah themselves to Europe, India, or fuckin' Canada...should not be a reason for the host country to lose touch with reality, or for the general media to pick up on it.

WHY are these idiots in Canada? Nobody cares what goes on in Canada. Canada's relations with the U.K. surely don't hinge on whether a few million frozen Canucks get to glimpse The Royals.

Just how much longer is this farce going to continue? When will Kate start fucking stablemen and chauffeurs? When is Baldy going to be seen with an incredibly ugly horse-faced woman? Or man?

As vapid as these two are, when are they going to get bored with themselves and these dull, stupid rituals of waving to idiots and sitting around having stodgy meals with boring twits? Are either of these dimwits going to be able to keep up this charade all that much longer?

Some moron...Somali

Now and then the media tells it like it is.

Immigrants arrive and don't assimilate. They find "no go" zones. They play on making people feel sorry for them, but then they show themselves to be arrogant ingrates.

"Paranoia strikes deep in the heartland," Mr. Simon sang, but why not? Look at the situation with these Somali nuts.

WHY did they choose to cluster in Minnesota of all places, fucking close to freezing Canada, an area far different from Africa? WHO got them to emigrate? WHEN did a seeming harmless few become a suspicious many? HOW safe are people in Minnesota now?

We all like to think of ourselves as friendly, and giving, but we don't want to think of ourselves as patsies and fools. Right now there are dozens and dozens of people in Minnesota in deep mourning and fear because they saw this violence or knew some of the victims.

It would be interesting to ask them how they feel now about bringing in total strangers of a different religion and culture into the country.

Maybe in the 21st Century, people should realize it IS the 21st Century, and the motives of immigrants are different, the resources of the host countries are different, and the real answer is for people to stay where they are and work things out for themselves. And for ZERO POPULATION GROWTH to be a fact, not a theory.

Mi Monkey es Su Monkey

Mexico is whining that they're getting immigrants?

Por QUE? These assholes are all on their way through to AMERICA. None of them want to stay in the land of diarrhea-producing stink-water.

Everyone knows Mexico is a corrupt shit-pot loaded with murderous drug cartels. Any politician who tries to clean up the drug business ends up SHOT DEAD.

The people sneaking through Mexico are simply headed for the border, to the easy-livin' land of free welfare.

Again, is it a surprise that Donald Trump is so popular? The USA is veering toward being half white, and the white half isn't happy about it. The whites (and some alarmed blacks and Latinos and Asians etc. etc.) are scared of marauding immigrants who won't speak the language and who may just be religious fanatics or old-fashioned thugs looking for easy victims.

So take it easy, Mexico. Worried about IMMIGRANTS? Now you know how America feels worrying about all the Latino illegals YOU happily wave hasta la vista to.

KickENDER - Kooky Kikh & Fatal Bra & Panty Trick

Some stupid twats just throw their lives away.

Looking for GLAD KICKS, idiot-peasant Glad Kikh was stupid-drunk and sitting around in her bra and panties...on the roof of her building...

It sort of reminds me of that John Hiatt song about rock stars who waste a perfectly good guitar. They have to smash it on stage and show off.

And here's a perfectly good twat whose idea of amusement was to get smashed, sit around in her undies either in a daze or grinning like a fool, and fall off a fucking roof.

Yeah, her family "overseas" is being notified. "Yah. Hallo? I haff news about Elena. She got drunk and fell off a building. Yes, in broad daylight she's on a roof in her underwear making a spectacle of her drunken self! The good news is that after she landed, nobody wanted to look!"

The temperature, for you weather fans, has changed. It's gone from sultry and humid to actually seem like Fall. At the time of her fall, (she was loaded at 8:30 IN THE MORNING) it was pretty brisk out there, even for mid-town where the wind is blocked by all the tall buildings.

She didn't know what hit her, when the pavement became her make-up foundation. And so an immigrant who made some kind of living off selling beauty products to other inane twats, ended up pretty unsightly. Play her out, Martin:

"The very last thing she saw
Was the sight of her own blood on the floor.
She should'a known better.

Davina McCall Rubs Shit in Jamie Dornan's Stubble

"Oww, mah dearies, he is HAWT! But wot he needs is SHIT in his STUBBOO!"

So clucked Davina McCall, the well known Douchess. In a highlight moment from the premiere "Jonathan Woss Show," she caked a hunk of shit on Jamie Dornan, a "hunk" best known for being one of a thousand ass-faced guys with stubble who make bad movies and TV dramas that twats watch.

She began to wipe Jamie's face with shit, thinking the host told her to. Jonathan laughed and said, "I said WIPE. You know, it smells vewwy wipe! If not wotten!"

The crowd cheered. On both sides of the Atlantic, chat shows are loaded up with talentless "celebrities" doing anything for attention.

The hosts? They often do NOTHING. That's how low the bar has been set. Puppy Fallon, the 8 year-old hosting "The Tonight Show," will read jokes off Twatter. Yes, every week he puts out a "hashtag" topic, and people Tweet their quips FREEEEEE, just so they can brag that he read them on the air. He's paid millions for lame "comedy" like that, and to play charades with D-list actors, and to sing along hacks like Macca desperate to reach a young audience.

Kitty Kimmel, the flat-voiced drone opposite him, ALSO likes to play TWATTER games. He has celebs you mostly don't know reading "Mean Tweets" about themsleves that trolls send in.

Kimmel's also prone to playing "games" like picking on random twits walking down the street and asking them to name who is on American currency. Haw haw! Many Americans LOSE by the time they get to a quarter, not sure if Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson or somebody else is on the coin.

What do you watch AFTER either Jimmy? Many catatonic morons stay up for Fag Corden, whose big bit is...sitting his ass in a car and singing KARAOKE with one of his guests. WHAT A BRILLIANT BIT OF ENTERTAINMENT! How INNOVATIVE. Rolling Stone put this faggot on the cover and crowed about how he's the hottest thing in late night. Oooh CAR KARAOKE! Can't get enough of THAT!

How can today's chat crap compete with the golden age of Carson, Frost and Parkinson? There are almost NO TV sitcoms or dramas worth watching, so there's no "thrill" in seeing some pretty boy or vapid bitch talking about their hobbies.

The old chat shows relied on comedians who could ad-lib witty material. There are no more comedy clubs where comics can practice. It's a dead, artificial art form now. First, the comedy teams disappeared. Who wants to see two assholes doing scripted crap? Then, the single performers faded, too. Who wants somebody coming out and reciting prepared garbage about airports and dating? We've HEARD IT BEFORE.

Back in the day, chat shows had raconteurs who could simply talk about most anything and be interesting. No, don't even mention Piers Morgan! And as for bringing out some bubblehead with big tits like Zsa Zsa Gabor, we see more than enough of the Kardashians and Jenners (on their OWN reality shows) for them to bother talking to a Jimmy or a James.

Why would ANYONE want to hear what a "reality show" asshole has to say? They're boring enough ON the reality show!

It's no surprise that chat shows in particular, and TV in general, is loaded up with dreary amateurs, bores and in the case of Davina McCunt, has-beens.

Has-beens like McCunt work desperately hard to pretend pre-written jokes are ad-libs, or that carefully rehearsed bits of schtick are spontaneous. Talk shows always were artificial and loosely scripted, but now it shows.

Actors could avoid being boring if they showed up sparingly on a talk show and were coached beforehand with what anecdotes to tell before being saved by the movie clip. Now, jerks like Dornan make the rounds, boring everyone except cows and moos who just want another chance to stare at them.

This year's Tony award show? Mostly it honored people I never heard of. They gave boring speeches. They only confirm that after about 50 years, television, like rock music and jazz, is no longer innovative. All that you get is variations on things you already saw..."just not as good."

IF I'M BEING HONEST, rock music AND television had its heyday in the 60's. With only a few exceptions, it's been pretty boring over the years. As Mort liked to say, "Darwin was wrong."

Muzzie Morons - Ass-Holier than Thou

Is it a surprise Donald Trump is doing so well? He doesn't want America festering with Muslim psychopaths. He doesn't want immigrants turning this country into a blabbering pest hole of filthy-faced murderers. He figures we have ENOUGH jerks in this country already, playing their race cards and being homicidal.

Here's Mr. Smirky from Turkey. SO glad you came here, shit-for-face.

Do you even NEED to read the story? It's just another excrement-skinned maladjusted retard gone berserk. He probably thinks his God is going to reward him. Funny, not, that these jerks don't just OFF themselves and join their beloved Mohamed. They've got this fig-brained notion that they have to kill white people first.

What IS the point of bringing monkey morons into the country who won't learn the customs, usually don't even speak the language, and think THEIR fucking religion is the ONLY religion?

Do I need to even go into this? Look Habib, you have an invisible friend? You can't show him to me? You are a "BELIEVER" in this asshole and in some dusty book? Keep it to yourself. Why are you coming to MY world with your crap?

It's sad enough that forward-thinkers who live in sandbox countries get killed just for DARING to say that they DON'T believe.

Well, Allah-KAZAM. Why not blame Zuckerjew for this? If the JEW didn't create FARCEBOOK, then this atheist wouldn't have had a bigger platform for telling the world that HE believes there is NO God.

It's nice to see there are some wild-eyed people DENOUNCING the killing, and risking getting themselves killed, but it seems to be a losing battle. The Muslim fanatics, aided by selling drugs to white people, have more and more money for weapons, and they breed so many rabid rat-like spawn, they have no problem recruiting dimwitted malcontent killing machines.

The Muslims sure are touchy, aren't they? It's the 21st Century, it's getting hotter and more hellish every year, there's less fish, less uncontaminated produce, less quality of life, and these sand monkeys have to make things worse. They look for trouble. They EMIGRATE for trouble. They turn their countries into toilets and then want to spread the shit everyplace else.

Say something nice about them? They take our minds of rotten Putin, that fat gook moron in North Korea, and needle-nose Cocksuck, the football player who squats like a woman because the National Anthem is played.

Rob gets Robbed of his Life

A week ago, the guy was nattering on Farcebook like any other D-lister.

Now he's dead.

Some asshole killed him in a hit-and-run. Yeah, just one of those things. You go out for coffee, or a newspaper, and you end up in a hospital. BANG.

He was brain dead almost instantly, and the "good news" is that when they took him off life support, his harvested organs were in good shape and ready to help a half-dozen people.

"I wasn't such a Johnny Ace fan, but I felt bad all the same."

I think that sums it up. Just change the name, which I won't mention 'cause I wouldn't want any of his friends of relatives Googling his name, seeing this and getting all misty. Or pissy.

Fact is, he was probably best known (if at all) for writing lyrics for that fat and sappy CrissCross guy, the one who sang that schmaltzy song about New York City in the movie "Arthur."

There's a streak of soft-rock cabaret shit that is so limp you're surprised the vinyl isn't warped when you take it out of the sleeve. For most of us, Cross would be bad enough; you don't need somebody with a shittier voice.

Rob was a songwriter who couldn't really sing. That didn't stop him from turning up at songwriter workshops and "showcases." He put out his own material via vanity site CD Baby and is on YouTube singing at the piano in obscure locations, but that's what you do. The idea is "listen to my songs, and imagine how much better they'd be if Neil Diaper or Harry Chronic sang 'em. Come on guysssss, COVER ME."

Every once in a while a sappy ballad from a guy like Rob is good enough to get covered and even be a guilty pleasure. In the same clogged and fatty vein, at least ONE song on a James Taylor or Cat Stevens album isn't too bad, right?

Anyway, I do feel bad about this. You don't like to see senseless things happen. It makes you question things, and there are no answers. What do you say in this case? "God wanted a half dozen people to have eyes, liver, kidneys and stuff from a mediocre songwriter who wasn't going to have another hit anyway..." Nice.

This guy wasn't doing any harm, and some people really got off on his stuff and applauded him at his showcases, and he probably had a decent day job and lots of friends. BANG. Some fuckhead isn't looking where he's going (we'll assume ROB was not jaywalking) and that's it.

"What I Did Last Night." DIED.

(See, I couldn't get away with that brand of gallows humor if I thought anyone he knew would read this!)

PS, Ms. Cuntwell, and the fabulous Basket Case, notice how FEW hits his CD Baby stuff and his live show YouTube deals had. And he was much more credible than either bitch, and was located in the middle of prime Los Angeles marketing venues, and DID get a bunch of co-writes on the latest from CrissCross.

NOTHING is gonna happen with Ms. Cuntwell or Basket Case, but they're too young to know it. They will have a few more months or years before they get real jobs, get pregnant, or get killed in a car accident.

"Lice in my hair, Zits on my forehead" Basket Case!

The great thing about Basket Case is her stuff is FREE!

None of that "80 words costs 3.85, with background music 16.95...for commercial use 139.95" stuff.

It's FREE as a download if you get on her mailing list, or FREE if you happen to see her in a club (just pay the venue's minimum for beer and chips). If she's the opening act you MIGHT have to pay to get in AND pay for food and drink, but you're FREE to ask her to play her fabulous new song...

LICE IN MY HAIR, ZITS ON MY FOREHEAD

first verse:

"Life is unfair, it's so damn horrid!
"Lice in my hair, zits on my forehead!
"My underwear smells pretty sordid!
"Look at my stare, I'm fucking morbid!
"You must beware, I'm so distorted!
"I scratch all day, I've got a sorehead!

chorus

"Lice in my hair, zits on my forehead!
"Lice in my hair, zits on my forehead!

second verse:

"Take my guitar, put it in storage!
"I am no star, face white as porridge!
"I've got some scars, caused by a gnat itch!
"My repertoire? 'Songs By a Flat Bitch!'
"I won't go far, singing some hack pledge!
"Stay in the bar with Cilla Blackledge!

chorus:

"Lice in my hair, zits on my forehead!
"Lice in my hair, zits on my forehead! FUCK OFF OBAMA!"

Seattle Mariners: Fuck Freedom of Speech!

Freedom of Speech? The Seattle Mariners baseball team never heard of it.

In America, you're supposedly free to say what you want. It's "just words." As the great Judge Wapner (of "The Peoples Court" TV show) used to say, "words are not assault. They are not battery."

The fuckhead Mariners benched a catcher for the rest of the season. Kind of arbitrary, isn't it? Not a week? Not two? Oh, right, the season is almost over anyway.

What the guy said may have been ridiculous and stupidly phrased, but I don't think it was racist. And even if it was, people say racist things all the time (don't they, Roger Waters) and it's excused as opinion.

Unless it's hate speech (and again, Roger, YOU get away with it) it's hard to justify sanctions. (Except, Roger, YOU want sanctions against Israel).

The back story here is that a pinhead football jerk began taking a knee and refusing to acknowledge our fabulous National Anthem (you know, the British drinking song with fresh lyrics).

What happened? Most everyone, including his white team mates, think he's entitled to do what he wants. It's "Freedom of Speech." Their spin is that even if he's disrespecting his country, he's ENTITLED to his OPINION, and to make a protest drawing attention to a grievance.

People are entitled to think he's a jerk and NOT watch his team play. If they feel like it, they can carry a sign and wave it at the game. They can wonder why a millionaire football player thinks White America is so awful when HE is doing very well.

Fact is, the "Black Lives Matter" slogan is condescending. It's sulky. It's almost always used in the context of defending an obnoxious thug with a criminal record. It never takes into account that cops have every reason to be wary when a gigantic black man is in front of them. "Aw, he was unarmed," the blacks whine. Yeah? You point a gun at someone and do you know how FAST you can be overpowered? Some black guy weighing a hundred pounds more than you do, and only a foot away, can easily grab your gun away. Even a cop can have his gun taken away. And POW. In most cases, the black thug was on drugs, or resisting arrest, or making a move that was dangerous.

This will never change. No cop will EVER think, "Oh, I'm better off letting a drugged up career criminal take my weapon and shoot me." PS, that applies to ANY color or type of criminal. Black cops have shot blacks. Black cops have shot whites.

The Black protests get scorn because it's ONLY about THEM. They're playing the race card, and the weary, weary SLAVE card. They don't acknowledge that some Latino might get beaten up too, or a fag, or a Muslim or a Jew. They act like that never happens.

Meanwhile Native Americans are sitting in poverty on reservations and they lost all their land, and if any group has a reason to be pissed off, it's THEM. Blacks can go back to Africa. The Native Americans can't go back to THEIR land, because WHITES are on it. And BLACKS. And Latinos.

Doesn't just about every group have a reason to feel sorry for themselves? There's no shortage of marching and whining. It just seems there's only one group that's always rioting, and only one group that is carrying out jihad. Why's that?

What the Seattle Mariners should've done is state, "This redneck's views do not reflect the team's views." End of problem.

Let this idiot deal with any angry black fans who come to the game, or any angry blacks on his team. Most baseball teams are half black, so this guy is pretty brave raving on social media like that. Let him pay for his stupidity by losing a few teeth in the locker room. What you DON'T do, is fuck with "Freedom of Speech."

"Freedom of Speech" is one of the most precious things that makes America great. The National Anthem is just a song. You don't feel like standing for it? Fuck you. Don't. Risk people thinking you're an ingrate. Your FREEDOM is to do what the fuck you want. That includes stating how you feel about an issue. That's FREEDOM.

It's been rightly said that "Freedom of Speech" is not shouting "FIRE!" in a crowded movie theater.

Other than that, you fight words with words. You explain why you think the others side is wrong. You don't censor them and deny them or fire them.

Most colleges and universities have racist professors who gleefully tell their students that Israel should be wiped off the map. THAT is ok. The excuse is freedom of speech, and that these professors simply have opinions and theories, and others are free to disagree.

There are racists leading the KKK and Nazi parties, who are free to give speeches of the most odious kind. THAT is ok.

Some redneck nitwit saying he doesn't like the "Black Lives Matter" slogan? He should be able to say it. He didn't use "the N word," and he didn't say blacks shouldn't be on his team. There's a line here. It goes back to a famous quote: "I disagree with what you say, but I defend to the death, your right to say it."

Peter Gabriel plays "Shock the Monkey Jew" on his Bike

Here's Peter Gabriel, happily sending Jews scattering in all directions.

If he hits a Jew, he can claim it was an accident. If he doesn't, he'll try again.

He agrees with his shower buddy Roger Waters that Jews don't deserve a homeland. Israel belongs to Palesteeeenians. The Israelis are actually just a bunch of Russian and German assholes who came in and took over after World War II.

Moses and Jesus were, of course, not Jews at all. If any group other than Palesteeeenians deserve the land, it's probably the Muslims, whose religion was created by a true prophet hundreds and hundreds of years AFTER The Bible talked about those pretenders Moses and Jesus.

Singing "Shock the Monkey," Peter drives into crowds of Jews everywhere he goes. "I'm not a schmuck like Bono," he laughs, "I don't fall off my fucking bike-o. Bike-o! Da Jew is hit! Ha! Oh, did I say schmuck? Must be the drugs kicking back in again. I think I copped some LSD back in 1978 from a Jew musician. Would you believe it, there actually ARE such things? I mean, besides Menuhin playing the violin?"

The Angel Gabriel once rode his bike through Jerusalem, scattering dozens and dozens of Jews. Some went crashing into the Wailing Wall. Laughed Peter, "another prick in the wall!"

Peter believes that white people, specifically the British, are perfect. If they went rampaging through Europe, India and Africa it was for "colonizing." If they put down any race for hundreds of years, just sing a song in a stereotypical African accent and it's all right. All is forgiven. But the Jews? They WERE and ARE a terrible bunch. Oh, they might not have formed Hamas or ISIS and aren't invading every country demanding people adopt their religion, but have you ever tasted gefilte fish? Oy! On that alone, they should all be in ovens.

Peter and Roger figure that boycotting Israel is a great idea. It demonizes Jews everywhere. It reinforces the idea that one race and only one race is pure evil. Starve 'em with sanctions. Bring in giggling Dizzy Desi the Toot to give his too too Tutu notion that apartheid isn't going on in Russia, China, North Korea, Ukraine, South Africa or anywhere except Israel, where there's a huge Arab population and Christians are free to view where Jesus walked.

Peter is hoping to re-unite with Kate Bush for a duet called "Don't Give Up...On Ostracizing Kikes." He admits, "It's sort of a race between whether Roger and I can help wipe out Israel, or whether Iran will blow it up first, or Isis, but I'm very sensitive to suffering and I do my best to help."

Israel has appealed to the U.N., noting that if Peter Gabriel becomes any fatter, he might be able to simply drop himself out of a plane, land on Israel, and destroy it himself.

It's a SCRATCHY record but OTHER WISE...

What's not to LOVE about EBAY?

It's loaded with rank amateurs, retards and autistics, as well as out and out crooks and psychos. They have shit to sell that they stole, crap that's counterfeit, stuff that SMELLS, and junk that isn't worth tossing in the trash.

EBAY sellers include MORONS who don't know how to spell (other wise...they are real clevr) and don't know how to grade their yellowed books and scratched up records.

Well, what could POSSIBLY be wrong with a record that "has some scratches that cause quite a few audible pops?" It is "other wise" just fine.

The other side, it seems, is ok. So you get one side WITHOUT scratches and audible pops. Not too bad for your TEN bucks. Most charity shops and desperate record stores would mark it for ONE dollar.

Amateur EBAY idiots don't notice if a record is warped, and do the kind of "visual grading" you'd expect from Ray Charles. Some of them will shrug that the record seems to have a lot of fine scratches but you should expect "a little bit of noise" on old records. Forget that you risk chipping and wearing down your needle playing a fucking record that's more like a barbed wire fence.

And EBAY wonders why people avoid their site? A Syrian souk full of whores and roaches is classier.

Bill's not yet in the black

Bill Hoobastank's Gurgle label has yet to make money.

This problem has led him to temporarily put a hold on the new one from our pal Johnny.

"He sings in blackface," Bill admits. "Johnny actually saw Jolson on stage in the 30's, and this is meant as a tribute. After all, if drag queens can impersonate women these days, why shouldn't white men be able to impersonate blacks? Especially someone named Dark?"

The photo was done by Cilla Blackledge, with Johnny actually perched on Cilla's black ledge.

As for the music, Johnny performs with just his hypnotizing voice and no organ.

Gurgles Bill: "I'm not sure he has a working organ. Anyhoo, when you hear him hit the notes on "Swanee River," you almost feel like you're drowning. When he sings "Doo Dah, Doo Dah," it's so realistic and pungent you'll have to check the back of your pants to see if you farted. And when he sings, "I'm tired of living and scared of dying," you'll feel the same way."

And yet, he still hasn't signed the contract for the release. "I've been engaged in a debate about music with some cunt named Saskia," he admits, "and my brain feels like a fried egg. I'm not sure whether music should be free, whether to give out albums as a bonus for ticket buyers, or whether to stop istening to that pasty-faced Bristol bint and just bugger her bunghole till she hits a note only dogs can hear.

How would he know if she hit that note? "Easy. Muffin will come running, dragging her owner Lardy Robin behind her. He'll happily buy everything Saskia's done, because none of it has charted."

Interrupts Barry Gooker, "I've sung a few lines of "Old Black Joe" in concert many times. I've never considered it to be something offensive or obnoxious. In fact, I don't think I ever do ANYTHING that's offensive or obnoxious. If you don't agree I'll put a hit on you, my Nigga."

Hooray to Mel Brooks...and some assholes and nobodies

Awards, awards, is there anyone who DOESN'T have an award?

Surely, you've got one for something. EVERYONE has some medal, button, plaque, piece of paper, trophy or ribbon proclaiming SOME kind of achievement.

Some of this shit ends up in a closet and most of it eventually goes for landfill.

A few days ago the idiotic Emmy Awards were handed out to a whole bunch of nobodies and no-talents. Some of the worst performers and writers got a chance to grin and fist-pump and give speeches for crap that most of the planet could care less about.

The other day, 90 year-old Mel Brooks got some kind of medal from Obama. Huh? What IS this?

Brooks is one of the rare humans to own an OSCAR, EMMY, TONY and GRAMMY, and he probably has a bunch of other awards as well. There's the Kennedy Honors, the Medal of Freedom, and on and on, with the government having no shortage of trinkets to hand out. The "Medal of Arts" is now something he can put on the shelf with the other stuff? SO?

It would mean a bit more of the morons didn't hand out nearly TWO DOZEN of them the same afternoon.

What the award represented, nobody seemed to know.

People couldn't even understand what Mel did when he GOT the mdeal!

Half the media insisted Mel Brooks tried to pull down Obama's pants!

No, when Obama hung this clunky gigantic medal around Mel's neck, Mel pretended it was heavy, and that he was collapsing under its weight. That's all.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, it was a bit ridiculous for Obama to only mention "Blazing Saddles." Yes, it was a film about a BLACK sheriff cleaning up a racist town. But it was also an overblown sitcom that is best known for fart jokes.

The whole event was ridiculous. Mel Brooks was one of nearly TWO DOZEN people "honored" with awards. Obama probably spent an hour putting these medals and ribbons around the necks of pretty ordinary people that NOBODY has heard of.

Doubt me?

This bogus honor, the "National Medal of the Arts" also went to:

► Novelist and poet Sandra Cisneros, of San Antonio, Texas. (WHO?)

► The Eugene O’Neill Theater Center in Waterford, Conn. (WHAT, a building??)

► Playwright Moises Kaufman of New York. (Can you name one of his plays?)

► Choreographer Ralph Lemon of New York (Of interest to affluent gays only)

► Actress and singer Audra McDonald of Croton-on-Hudson, N.Y. (The black-singer du jour)

► Playwright and director Luis Valdez of San Juan Bautista, Calif. (Gotta have a LAH-TEEEEE-NO)

► Abstract visual artist Jack Whitten of New York. (No, I don't know any of his paintings either)

Some other variation, the "National Medal of the Humanities" went to:

► Author Rudolfo Anaya of Albuquerque, N.M. (WHO?)

► Chef José Andrés of Bethesda, Md. (WHY? AND NO, NEVER HEARD OF HIM

► Author Ron Chernow of New York. (Go into a bookstore and mention his name. See the blank looks)

► Poet Louise Glück of Cambridge, Mass. (Oooh, a POET)

► Radio host Terry Gross of Philadelphia. (Sort of Parkinson for the blind. So what. She talks to celebrities on PBS)

► Author James McBride of Lambertville, N.J. (Even his own librarian doesn't know him)

► Author Louis Menand of Cambridge, Mass. (Even his own mother doesn't know him)

► Historian Elaine Pagels of Princeton, N.J. (Can you get more obscure?)

► The Prison University Project in San Quentin, Calif. (Yawn.)

► Physician Abraham Verghese of Menlo Park, Calif. (A lot of doctors in the world.)

► Journalist Isabel Wilkerson of Atlanta, Ga. (Writing for WHAT paper??)

To give you an idea of how UNIMPORTANT this event was, the only two people besides Mel Brooks that anyone might've heard of, did NOT bother to show up: Wynton Marsalis who gets all this attention because he happens to be a BLACK guy who sometimes plays classical music, and Morgan Freeman (yeah, he has a nice voice, but he's JUST an actor. Except he's also a BLACK actor).

Oh. Another guy SOME people may have heard of showed up: Berry Gordy. Billed as a "music pioneer," did he also pioneer stiffing the songwriters and performers as much as possible? Paying attention to female singers who put out for him?

Last and very least, Philip Glass showed up to get yet another honor for being a "classical" composer that almost NOBODY likes. Who the FUCK listens to this guy's music? There's some kind of fucking obligation to make a big deal off of SOMEBODY who writes modern classical music, and it's usual him. PS, that little melody he tossed into a Paul Simon song wasn't so memorable either.

Bottom line, there's a shortage of talent and of interesting works of art, but NO shortage of AWARDS.

► Motown music pioneer Berry Gordy of Los Angeles.

Olive McFarland - a walk to a train to oblivion

Ah, the loveliness of the British countryside.

The glory of the British rail system.

And here's an 82 year-old actress flying into the British countryside after being hit by a train.

Where did she end up?

Here, Here and Here?

One of the problems of a crumbling rail system is unattended crossings, mismanaged schedules and faulty equipment.

While nothing much can be done if a child is careless or some domestic wildlife wanders off, or if some dotty old lady doesn't have it together and is smacked to pieces, the fault DOES lie mainly with the trains on the plains.

Vitali does a Do-Wa-Diddy On Dumbed-Down Hadiddy

Oh, let's ALL feel sorry for Arab twat Hadiddy. And her rich-bitch sister.

Diddy-daddy made a fortune being a fucking real-estate bastard and landlord (ooh, aren't JEWS supposed to own all the real estate). Then he BOUGHT stardom for his two boring whore-daughters.

Gigi of the 21st Century is like Zsa Zsa from the 20th. She's famous for being famous. Except Zsa Zsa had a unique look and accent (well, there was her sister Eva, too). At least Zsa Zsa had a sense of humor about herself, not like THIS bitch. Zsa Zsa wasn't "in yer face," like today's Miley and Kim, who have to shove twat or ass right into the camera.

Today's "stars" like Gigi Hadidd, or Blac Chyna or Amber Rose, are supposed to be admired because they're famous. They wear clothes. They fuck other reality show idiots, models, or stupid boy-band mongrels. Too bad that some "prankster" proved the Untouchable Gigi could be touched.

WHAT? How DARE a commoner get near ROYALTY??

She just came from a FASHION SHOW, is NOTHING SACRED???

Cunts like Gigi Hadiddy-do are to be admired from afar. You're supposed to just imagine what some One Direction monkey gets to do to her. You're supposed to pay a fortune to buy her smell in a bottle, or some doo-hickey she supposedly likes to wear on her finger or around her gazelle-like neck. You're supposed to stare in a TRANCE at her reality show, and FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRUNT.

Aw, here's Vitali, playfully picking her up because she didn't quite have a dozen bodyguards all around her, and was too caught up in prancing and mincing in front of the paps, and looking diffident behind her sunglasses.

Too bad Vitali didn't strip the bitch, or stick a finger up her ass. Really, in a case like this, IF I'M BEING HONEST, I have NO respect for the victim. I don't even consider the victim a real VICTIM. This is a media whore, and she got treated the way whores sometimes do.

It seems to me that Vitali's targets have been fairly talentless, egocentric dicks and twats. He approached Brad Pitt at some award ceremony and "lowered his head and nuzzled Brad's crotch." So? Brad wants everyone to know he's Mr. Cocksman. That's just parody. "Oh, we should ALL pay homage to your fabulous crotch, Brad." Brad Arm-Pitt seems like a surly pretty-boy asshole, without even the pretense of having a cause, like round-headed Leo DiCrappio. Brad's second wife, Angie, has had causes. Brad's just gone along for the ride, and as we now know, he'd rather fuck starlets and get high. PS, anyone know what difference there is between Arm Pitt, Matt Demon, Ben Affuck and about a dozen other pug-nosed lowlife blockheads?

Today's idiots don't deserve respect. Most of 'em, certainly past-targets like Madonna, have done their best to disrespect everyone and everything. Ah, what's the problem, Madge, YOU like to shock people but YOU don't like to be shocked by some grinning upstart moron?

Vitali was ordered NOT to crash awards shows? Awww, because stars are Gods and Goddesses? If this guy can get past security just to pull a prank, fine. A lot more serious, and usually ignored, are the stalkers who spend all their time standing in front of a star's home, or writing them constant letters. It's usually those people who a judge declares "harmless," and allows to continue a pattern of abuse.

Going after some jerk who picked up a haughty, talentless twat? He didn't bring her down to Earth by dropping her on her pampered pussy. A little inconvenience for Gigi Hadiddy? Too fucking bad, Arab Princess. Go stick a date up yer llama-lipped twat and chew it for an hour.

Sludge = Trance "Oh eeeyah, bleat bleat bleat"

Does it take much talent to write "dance" music? No. Never did.

Years and years ago, Amanda Lear drily said with a world-weary smile, "What is the message? Get up and dance."

With few hybrid exceptions, from her own "Queen of Chinatown" to her pal Mick's "Miss You" and Davies' "Superman," few "dance" tunes bothered with any kind of lyric. It was just ka-thunk ka-thunk ka-thunk, and a self-important "disc jockey" blending a ka-thunk with a ka-chink with a da-blob.

It got so ridiculous, even Ethel Merman and Cab Calloway issued singles. Then, oh joy, there were hybrid variations mixing in a bit of punk or...electronica.

All it means is that no matter what kind of asshole you are, an old school Nigga, or a pretentious nerd, there's a ka-thunk with dirty lyrics, stupid lyrics, druggy lyrics or just electronic noise and a catch-phrase.

Since the only way to hear this shit, other than being IN the disco, is on GooTube, the trite music has to...yes...be mated to trite visuals. If it's old School Nigga, it's just giant lips, gritty streets, brown "booty" in a thong, and people getting shot. If it's druggy or electronic shit, then you get sunsets, speeded-up footage of city traffic, and oh-so-arty surrealism (a fully dressed man standing in the ocean, a nude woman reading a book, etc. etc.) Oh, how about a fully clothed WOMAN standing in the ocean? How NEW!

Anybody actually make money or get famous off this shit? Hardly ever. The big deal is that hardly anyone LOSES money, or too much, because this crap is so easy to do. It's all programmed. Set up the beats, toss in the noises and "FX," and get some cunt or some dickhead to mewl or grunt, with a ton of sweetening to cover a thin voice or one that's out of tune. Maybe have the song title repeated enough that people will remember it the next morning.

Why bother putting this junk on GooTube? Is it for chimps who are receptionists in failing offices, and need something mindless to glance at once in a while as they file their papers and their nails?

THIS particularly odious example doesn't even have anything worth looking at. If this is the woman singing, she needs a major overhaul, because she's booooooo-ring.

Enough of that dull face. Cue the postcard view of some faceless cityscape. They all look alike now. They're all full of half-breeds taking drugs and jumping up and down for a few hours before hooking up and polluting the planet with more people.

Trance. Christ, is that an accurate term or what? That's right, go through life with an artificial heartbeat, a catch-phrase slogan repeated, and a lot of noises. It's not much different from being on a train after a long day and slipping into a nod. That's a trance, too. Or to quote an amusing phrase in a dopey dance tune from Agnetha Faltskog, "I got a mind but I put it on vacation." Right. Can't afford a lobotomy? Put THIS stuff on and go into a TRANCE.

All it takes is a machine that produces beats, a machine that recycles "samples" of other beats and noises, and paying some cunt a fiverrrrrr to mewl a few noises (in this case, it seems to be "oh eeeyah, bleat bleat bleat") and the song title.

Every generation has had this kind of shit, going back to the invention of elevator MUZAK. Aural wallpaper is another term for it. The people who do this are walnut-brains. At least Kraftwerk had the sense to make some kind of "art" out of what they knew was soulless pulses intended to bring animation to robots. Dance dance dance, suck suck suck, it's all the soundtrack to monotony. Trance is limbo, but without the joy of actually doing the limbo.