AMY'S ONE-WOMAN HISTORICAL SHOW

Inspired by a 70-something crooner who likes to give lectures as Abe Lincoln, AMY WAGGA STAFF has unveiled her new project:

"10 Lectures as Winston Churchill."

Quoting from her Kickstarter campaign:

"Please indulge me. I promise I won't cop out when less than 3 people check my YouTube page each month.

"I have decided to read Winston Churchill speeches. I am very expressive. My eyes roll up and down as I read. I really do look like Winston Churchill. The main difference is I don't smoke a cigar, I just shove one in my twat. (This is because my husband is away at sea. He joined the River Police and drowned. Sapristi!)

"I am inspired to be just like Sir Wine Stain. Er, Sir Winston. All that I have to give, is blood, sweat and twat lube. I will give these...as bonuses for donations of more than 10 pence. Yes, you will get a microscope slide containing a drop of my sweat, or a tampon that has a bit of menstrual blood and/or twat lube. The choice is mine.

"Please do NOT give to my rival, Saskia, who has decided to stop shaving her twat and impersonate Thatcher. What an egotistic cunt! She identifies with Maggie and figures she knows it all and should tell everyone what to do."

In a related development, Knickerless Payne insists he does "a very good impression of Sid James, as he is today." Carry on, Knickerless.