LEMMY! LEMMY! Mourners File In to cry LEMMY!

Oh, the humanity! Cameras focused on the most tragic event of the decade, the funeral for rock genius LEMMY!

Oh, LEMMY!

Mourners were overcome by the fact that LEMMY, no longer with his bandmates, was in a coffin by himself.

You could hear people crying "LEMMY ALONE!"

Here, entering the church, Gene Simmons and his wife, and a member of the legendary band Toothpicks and That.

"Oh, LEMMY," cried Bill, who then began to gurgle. Formally attired in a black windbreaker, Bill began to break wind. The crowd got out of his way.

His wife said, "You can tell he's upset. He's got his funeral clothes on. He did bring a camera in a plastic bag, so he might take a selfie with some famous mourner. But really, he's sad that he never got an autographed photo of LEMMY. Bill was a librarian, and he told me how he loved to read all those books. What? This isn't the funeral for LEMMY SNICKET, the kiddie author??"

Behind the Hoobastanks, and sniffing the air, was Gene Simmons and his wife. Said Gene, "KISS without makeup? Not my wife I don't! Look at her. I told her to put on make-up and to shave! Oh well, I've gotten blowjobs from thousands of groupies. I have the Polaroids to prove it. And the Herpes. And the Gonorrhea. And the Polio."

"LEMMY!"

The cry was echoed by Cunt Stevens, the hummus-faced artist also known as Yusuf. His fans are known as Yusufferers. He said, "I hope Allah grants LEMMY 40 virgin goats, and a camel that enjoys anal sex. Oh, why take LEMMY? Allah Akbar! But, Mr. Akbar, I must say that LEMMY was ONLY 70! You took him too young, and you allowed him to die of natural causes when he should have blown himself up in front of Adele. Not that any explosive on Earth could damage Adele! But LEMMY...with his genius, like Irving Berlin or Picasso, he could've produced works of brilliance well into his 80's!"

"LEMMY!"

Paul McCartney, unable to attend the event because he couldn't find his hat, or the head that goes under it, sent a telegram: "When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: Lemmy Be! Lemmy Be!"

Said Billy Joel, "I couldn't top that, and frankly, I wouldn't even try. I haven't even written my own name in 20 years."

He proved it by signing an autograph "LEMMY."

"I'm overcome," Billy Joel sighed. Standing next to him, Elton John shook his pants leg and said, "I'm come over." David Furnish giggled, and Bill Hoobastank gurgled. And all of them shit their pants.

Among the publicity-seeking clowns entering the funeral service were, in the center of it all, Sharon and Ozzy. Said Ozzy, "I ain't feelin' too well. I'm downwind of Sharon's twat."