Now Playing a LONG ENGAGEMENT, Christopher Cotterill

They do put on talent shows in jail.

Congrats to Christopher Cotterill, 41, of Wintringham Road, who got his government-issue costume from the Grimsby authorities, and will be amusing his fellow inmates.

"Zippy" Cotterill, who suddenly stabbed his father, won't be tredding the boards for nine years. His father (who wasn't seriously hurt, just scared by his son's face) will probably be dead by then. If he's still around, though, he would be proud to see "Zippy" perform at Doncaster's fabulous Cast Theater.

"We are a modern, intimate theater," says Kully Thiarai, "and we are looking for outrageous acts. Stabbing your father, that shows promise. Hating your girlfriend is also very good, as it practically screams "latent homosexual." This Cotterill fellow was "acting out" when he was still a teen, taking drugs and haunting punk rock venues. I can just imagine him slamming a beer bottle over somebody's head and pissing all over the oozing wounds...a scene from a script we're working on called the "Spend-a-Penny Opera."

"If Zippy can learn the fundamentals of drag and fellatio, he will be most welcome in the flourishing theater community here. He might lend an amusing, off-key presence to one of our "Frozen" Sing-Along Evenings.

"He could easily play wicked Fairy Nightshade in a "Sleeping Beauty" production, as long as he understands that we do expect "Sleeping Beauty" to wake up, and not be fatally poisoned! He could liven up an afternoon of Mozart music with screams and growls and maybe breaking glass in somebody's face. And I can just imagine him attacking the R.A.F. College Band in mid-performance, trying to rape trumpets, or maybe emptying his bowels in a tuba. That would be so...Benny Hill, wouldn't it?"

The future IS bright for the distinctive "Zippy" Cotterill. All he has to do is spend nine years in prison, which is about the amount of time for the swelling to go down and his face to become somewhat less gruesome. Sacha Baron Cohen: "I wish him well, but frankly, I knew all about him and turned him down for my Grimsby movie. That face, that outfit...a bit too subtle."