"Don't be scared. This is ME being PLEASANT LOOKING.
"I know: A Chip Butty with eyes."
"If I can STAND to take a photo of myself, and actually publish it, you know I am...
"...one PUSHY, SELF-ABSORBED and ULTRA-FAT BINT.
"I am so smug, I think I'm even entitled to take over somebody else's blog. Nothing can stop me except maybe a double-decker bus. Even then, I think I'd stand my ground. Not a dent on this bint! I've stamped my feet and caused sinkholes. I once coughed and knocked over a pie wagon. I couldn't help it. You know sometimes you cough when you get a chicken bone in your throat? With me it was the whole chicken. With feathers.
"You'd think that me, Amy Wagstaff-Wetnap or whatever my name is, would be content with being a toot-ass tutor, lording and larding over ignorant shits, and boneheads for whom English is a fecund language.
"Nope! NOPE! I am NOT content. I have plenty of time on my hands (few seem to be willing to pay £15-£25 per hour + travel expenses involved in me waddling over for a visit). I wanna read "Pride and Prejudice" tediously on GooTube for OVER A YEAR. IF I get the smallest encouragement, which would involve a few brain dead idiots indulging me by contributing to my DICKSTARTER campaign.
"Why, when there are PROFESSIONALS who have recorded the entire fucking thing, you need ME to do it...well, I am an egomaniac blob. Who wouldn't want to WATCH the words emanating from my potato-like face? You can almost smell my farty breath. I am FARTY!!
"I can light my farts!
"That's me after a Bean dinner. Mr. Bean.
"My experiments prove that my farts can become a weapon for fighting ISIS. ISIS stands for: "I'm So Idiotically Stupid." If I fart, I keep people at a distance so they don't know just HOW stupid I am. I think this could work for Prince Charles, and so many others. Let me fart near you, and people won't engage you in conversation that exposes your dumbness!
"I'm so stupid I claim to be a "tutor." Actually, I'm a tooter...a farter...a gas bag. I've been one since 2009. 2009 is also my weight.
"I am very diverse. I can read, write, serve as a couch, spackle buildings with coagulated gobs of my shit, and stop runaway horses just by standing in front of them. I know it ALL. Maybe you need to learn some of this crap that I can teach...
"You're wondering how needlecraft got in there, along with the dull science stuff? I'm so fat I had to punch holes into my cunt flaps, and stitch my ditch with a shoelace. If I don't keep my crotch fastened, half my guts flop out. I've also learned how to embroider bullet-proof knickers for myself, in case one of my farts is actually a shit chunk. I know a LOT of things!
"I also know CHUTZPAH, but I didn't put that down, because if I did Roger Waters might think I'm a Jew, and tell everyone not to buy anything from me.
"And this brings me to my brazen DICKSTARTER campaign. I want, oh, basically only the modest price that it costs for my average dinner at Applebees. You know. 60 or 80 pounds. Which is also how much my shit weighs the next morning. 60 or 80 pounds is modest, not enough to buy a camcorder, but I just want my DICKSTARTER campaign to succeed. A few people take pity and donate, and I feel validated! I'm a winner! It's sort of like a whore who blows somebody for a fiver.
"Sex? I don't charge for that. How could I? When I give blowjobs, guys look down at my face and think they're getting anal sex.
"Check out my PREVIOUS DICKSTARTER CAMPAIGNS which were huge successes. Or rather, I'm huge, and I suck cesspools. Same thing, almost.
"I'm Amy Wagstaff-Wettin-My-Knickers and hoping YOU will give me MONEY. Remember, I don't need to pay an author anything, because "Pride and Prejudice" is Public Domain, just like my pubic area. My next project will be to get a job as landfill. Please help me, I'm fat, untalented, presumptuous, egocentric and stupid. Farty, too!"
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