They were expecting a sexy, outrageous show by tying up a naked woman.
In fact, they'd hired some hot babes and some of the UK's worst perverts, like AIDS E. Savage to add to the action. The advert was most promising! Here it is:
Sadly, the filming was a disaster, and the star, Cilla Blackledge left almost immediately!
Cilla explains: "It was off-season, cold and rainy. I took off my clothes, and I was instantly soaked and shivering. A woman came over, and I thought maybe she'd be turned on for lesbian sex. Instead she pointed her camera at me. She kept saying, 'Great! Great! Turn this way! Tilt your face up and let the rain hit it! Great! Wow, rain soaking your hair and body! Great!' Click click click. I said, 'What in the world is wrong with you?' She said, 'Nothing, I'm a Wetting Photographer. All I do is take pictures of wettings and post them to my Farcebook page.'"
Blackledge was through. She got dressed and took the next bus to a train to a bus to a train. Replacing her was Shauna Cuntwell, but instead of taking off her clothes, the big-eyed blonde bimbette began to sing off-key and strum a guitar. It turned out she was just a tease. She sang 'Day Tripper' and the camera crew walked away.
The crew needed to find a new star. They went into a fortune teller's studio and asked, 'What is our future?' The answer was "Twat Petulengro," a slutty cousin in the famous gypsy family. She was the one who specialized in "hairy palm readings." She agreed to pose in naked bondage, saying, 'I can see the future, and we will all enjoy great prosperity!' She was, of course, wrong.
Twat Petulengro, seen in the photo above, recounts what happened next:
"I sat there tied up like a fucking haggis, and nobody came over to leer or masturbate. A fat guy named Bill asked directions to the post office! I explained it's downstairs in a WHSMITH, and he stared at me like I was out of my mind. He said, 'It's one thing to be a naked bint, but do you have to be stupid, too?' I finally convinced him to go downstairs and see for himself. He came back with the front of his shirt coated with vomit. 'Sickening down there,' he admitted. He gave me some money and posed for a picture, but didn't actually DO anything except suck on his teeth.
"I sat bound and naked, waiting for action. Drunks passed by, not noticing me. An old woman with a packet of crisps just shook her head. She said, 'Dearie, The Winter Gardens is doing better business than you, and they're half full. And so am I.' She opened another packet of crisps and waddled away. A bunch of idiots laughed and said, 'We had a good time with this Minions wooden board, sticking our heads into holes. Your holes don't look like as much fun.'
"Finally, AIDS E. Savage came by. He was one of the guys the porn company hired. I thought, great, he'll make me have sex with him and the cameras will finally get some action. He spread my legs and leered, 'I will journey through Blackpool's murky present.' But just then a bird flew by, landed on his head, and crapped on him. He began to drum furiously on the bench, and shriek, 'It happens WHEREVER I GO! Cruise ships! My own home fence!' He became so enraged he tore at his hair, threatened to sue the world, and then collapsed in a coma.
"I called to the director, 'Where's Darren Lock?' And I was told that Darren had caught his own reflection in a rain puddle, and started grimacing at it, popping his eyes, squinting, and giving a long critique about trying to play golf at North Pier.
"I had predicted it would rain all day, so naturally it became fairly warm and sunny. I was sure that NOW I'd get the sex action needed for a best-selling DVD and download. But as I sat there, staring in boredom, tourists walked right by. I had made the mistake of getting tied up near a "Everything Ten Pounds or Under" store. Now THAT was exciting to some people. Even worse, a few doors down, you could get a chip butty!
"So there I sat, hour after hour, doing nothing. Oh, I did give directions to people who had forgotten where their hotel was. Then there was some big fat Dutch douchebag with a laptop computer. He sat down next to me and began crying because he'd downloaded a Beach Boys file from Zinhof and forgot what the password was. I said, 'Zinhof?' And he suddenly smiled, said, "That's IT," and downloaded his music and skipped away, the earth shaking under his feet.
"I told the camera crew, "Un-tie me before we have an earthquake and this fuckin' WHSMITH falls down on my head."
And that's what happened when "Public Disgrace" tried to film a segment in Blackpool. The camera crew has moved on, and at this very moment are working on their newest epic, "Old Bums Pissing in Public in Grimsby."
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