Cilla Greets a New Day -- of Fine Reporting in the Grimsby Tell-a-Laugh

The Grimsby Tell-a-Laugh, a local newspaper, will surely win a journalism prize for this:

And that's all they wrote. Laughable, huh?

Following eleven hours of nothing happening, which is about the most exciting thing Grimsby has to offer, the newspaper simply announced the jerk who had run away was arrested.

There was no mention of the kid's name.

There was no mention of how he was finally taken off to jail.

It seems as if the Grimsby Tell-a-Laugh was told by the authorities, "Stop making us look bad. This is a no-win situation. Just assure the public that justice is done and BUGGER OFF!"

Indeed, the news about this idiot on the bridge contained no photos of him arrested, no quotes from him in jail, no quotes from his family or the police, nothing that would suggest a reporter or an editor did more than yawn and pull news off a wire service.

The bigger news of the day? In a co-feature just as big, the paper reported that in Sasha Baron Cohen's film about "The Brothers Grimsby" there's a joke about the Son of God himself, Daniel Radcliffe. Oooh!

It's a JOKE. That's NEWS!

Daniel, the once-cute half-Jew who made a fortune as Harry Potter, is now a pretty grotesque-looking male. Might be the Jew part growing in. Unable to get romantic parts, Daniel has done freakish things like appearing as a horse-blinder on the Broadway stage (so that curious pedo-freaks could see his willy). He's playing a bad variation on Marty Feldman's Igor in a wholly pointless, slickly awful re-telling of "Frankenstein" due out on Kickass any moment.

On a happier note we can report that Cilla Blackledge has been able to boldly greet the new day.

"After I read the news today, oh boy! I went to the window and smiled at the sunshine of a new day," says Cilla.

"No, I don't care about the news that stores are open mimicking America's "Black Friday." Or that Daniel Ratclit got insulted in a movie by a famously tasteless writer/director. I mean that Grimsby cops let it be known that you can't snarl traffic on a bridge for eleven hours, walk away, and make them look foolish without something happening eventually. Like, I don't know, the kid turned himself in? The cops eventually thought to knock on his door? Oh well."

"With such tension over and done with, I leaped to the window to enjoy the sunshine! I forgot I wasn't wearing anything but a thong. I just stood on my nicely painted black ledge, and gave anyone watching a happy surprise. And I set up my camera for a selfie!"

Cilla cautions, "I won't do it again soon. First off, there's rarely good news in Grimsby, and secondly, there's miserable cold weather coming, and the window ledge will be quite drafty."

To prove there's rarely good news in Grimsby, Cilla admits, "I can now say "My writing has appeared in the Grimsby Tell-a-laugh. BUT...I don't get paid for it. Still, I can call myself a commentator, much the same way Darren Lox can call himself an international consumer affairs reporter, or video personality. The same way Bill Hoobastank can say he knows hundreds of celebrities. The same way Shauna Cuntwell can say she's a singer/songwriter with an album coming out."

More grim truths. Cilla says there's really no future in writing, and as for photography, "Everyone has selfie sticks." As for becoming a paparazzo: "All the celebrities take nude images of themselves with their selfie sticks and put them on Instagram." As for getting into a new relationship, she grins: "With who? We girls all have selfie sticks!"