Occurrence at Ow Creek Bridge

Grimsby reporter Ambrose Bierce has just published the latest news.

Desperate singer-wannabe Shauna Cuntwell has brought the town of Grimsby to a standstill.

She is threatening to jump from the Ow Creek Bridge.

This is the little-known bridge built by a fellow named Eccles. When asked if he wanted it named after himself, he said, "You gotta go OW!"

This strategic bridge is vital to traffic, and for eleven hours, Shauna's presence led to police helicopters circling overhead, all traffic shut down, and no bus service. For some reason, the nearest W.H. Allen is refusing to sell stamps and has closed the post office.

Down below, her friends Darren Lox and Bill Hoobastank have taken off their clothes and are lying belly up, hoping that if she falls, she'll land on them and be cushioned.

Shauna has set up a live streaming camera via the Internet, and on the bottom of it you can vote if you would LIKE her to save herself and make more music, or if you would LIKE her to jump.

According to Ambrose Bierce, "You wouldn't believe how many LIKES she's gotten..." He didn't say in which direction, but he was looking down the entire time.

Exasperated mayor of Grimsby, Mayor Exasperated, finally re-opened the Cromwell Road roundabout, declaring, "Eleven fucking hours of this bitch is more than enough. Do you realize ELEVEN HOURS is the time it takes to watch all her stinking GooTube videos?"

According to Mr. Bierce, "Shauna might be on that bridge all night. Who knows how long this nightmare can last?"

Shauna was recently doused with hot tea, and pelted with a chip butty. It's unknown whether these were intended to help her, or get her to jump.

So far, the only comment anyone's heard from Shauna is "I Can't Feel My Face." To which someone shouted, "That's what happens when you get a chip butty bounced off it, ya stupid bint!"