Madonna LIKES A PRAYER...sings from the safety of Stockholm

While hawk-nosed teddy boy Bono wouldn't dare get up on stage in Paris, brave MADONNA went on with the show in Stockholm.

"I'm not going to stop making money because of terrorists," she told the press. Indeed, the only terrorists in Sweden call themselves "Pirate Bay," and all they believe in is "copyright is copywrong."

Madonna noticed globe-trotting pensioner Bill Hooberstank in the crowd, and brought him up on stage. After all, his ruck-bag was loaded with Madonna merchandise he bought (including his own cone bra), and he'd paid for a "package deal" of front row seats and a "meet and greet."

She tried to get him to fake-weep on stage and act sad, but the best he could do was an awkward grin.

While French cartoonist Joann Sfar urged Twitter fans to stop using #prayforparis and understand that PRAYER and RELIGION is part of the problem, Madonna sang her signature tune.

"I believe in prayer," she said. "There's a higher power. Higher even than GRRL POWER. I was Catholic. I squeezed everything out of it from my name to blasphemous rock videos. I'm Jewish now. I study Kabbalah. I've fucked everybody of every race, male and female. Did I say I was Jewish? NO, I am NOT! FORGET THAT! OY!"

Asked for a comment, Bill Hooberstank said, "I wish I could've taken a selfie of myself with every corpse on the street in Paris. But I was in Sweden at the time. I've had an operation; doctors implanted two giant Swedish meatballs into my scrotum. I'm so fat, when I take naked selfies for my Ashley Madison account, nobody can see anything hanging below my enormous pot belly. With my breasts, it's hard to tell WHAT I am. Now with the Swedish operation, at least you can see my hanging balls."

Bill was informed that it's not Sweden that's known for sex-change operations, but Denmark.

"Oh. Well, I'll be flying over there to get my dick augmented by a half-pound of cheese Danish."

The press conference was interrupted by Bob Geldof, who announced, "I'm releasing a superstar single of "We Are the World" sung in French. Me and Bono will host a two-hour inescapable International TV special broadcast on every cable channel simultaneously AND Netflix. It's called, "Do those Fucking Muslim Cocksuckers Know It's Christmas?" We anticipate releasing it on December 26th after ISIS has blown up a bunch of churches the night before. We've heard "chatter" about their plans. But look, we can't go around kicking out every Muslim in every country and sending them back to Syria or someplace. Can we?"

Bob said, "I'm planning ahead to cash in on the next atrocity. There WILL be another one soon, even worse than this, because ISIS has to keep fresh and top themselves. They can't be like The Kardashians and keep getting attention for the same old cow-eyed expressions, baby bumps, and nigger fucking."

Bob continued, "On the bright side, these incidents make money for celebrities, and everyone has a good time writing R.I.P. and other slogans on Twitter! I can hardly wait for fuckheads like Cameron and Obama to up their game and look even grimmer as they state "it's a dark day, but we will not allow the terrorists to win. We will only allow them to immigrate, get free stinky halal food and free housing. We will teach Islam in our schools, pay every Muslim to take Muslim holidays off, and respect anything they want to do from slaughtering goats to wearing burqas that hide explosives and machine guns."

Yes, the 5th Century was the best. And men who look like they've got their hairy scrotums hanging off their chins are HANDSOME! Islam is a FINE religion. And Madonna donated all the money she made last night to charity.

HAH, just kidding on the last one.