Sad News from Grimsby

24 year-old Criminal Wanker, who was due to serve 14 months in jail, turned up on a bridge creating havoc. Streets were shut, the Grimsby police stood around in confusion, and the situation went on and on for ELEVEN HOURS.

Tragedy struck. He was allowed to just scamper away BEFORE American tourist Bill Hoobastank got to take a picture of himself with him.

"When I heard the news, I realized this kid was a CELEBRITY, so I had to add him to my collection. I booked a flight, then I took a bus and a train and a bus and another bus, and there I was, with my autograph book at the ready, and all set for a reporter to take a picture of myself with him. AND HE WAS GONE. I stood there smiling like an idiot!"

Bill and the police have no idea where to find the kid. "Criminal Wanker...where ARE YOU," Bill shouted. He was about to call again when somebody shoved a chip butty down his throat.

A strange, big-eyed blonde girl Tweeted, "Guysss, if you LIKED what I did to Bill Hoobastank, pay me a fiver to write a song about it!"