And Now For Something Complete Different

"Shauna who? Shauna Cuntwell?"

So asks Cilla Blackledge.

"Who would pay money for that skinny puppet? She's a stick figure. And her music sounds like a very sick bee droning. What the world likes is a FULL FIGURED GIRL in SEXY KNICKERS who likes something better than Taylor Swift songs. How about "PAINT IT BLACK??"

Indeed! Cilla says she's thinking about having her own FARCEBOOK page. "Trouble is, they have no standards. They have idiot women posing half naked, or posting links to where they ARE completely naked. I don't want to be on a hook-up site. I'm thinking about it but won't do it because I can actually THINK!"

Cilla's been thinking about... "Ebay. I could sell my knickers for double what I paid. I knicked Shauna's high-pitch vocoder, which I could sell for treble!"

Other money-making ideas? "Oh, Bill Hoobastank, and Crumb-Face Hoffman have offered $20 to pose with me. Well, they can kiss my ass!"

And that would be another $20 at least.

Cilla paints the windows of her home black. "PAINT IT BLACK is a favorite song," she says. "Look out your window through black-painted panes and ledges. It's a good reminder."

Of what?

"I forgot. But I'm not all gloomy. My bra and knickers aren't black. Not unless I wear them while walking around someplace sooty, like Grimsby. Yesterday, some dope named Jonathan West was making a fool of himself on the ledge of a bridge there. Well, he sure as hell ain't gonna make a fool of himself on THIS ledge!"

Grimsby's citizens are very upset because Jonathan promised to give himself up, and instead went right back on the bridge to get more fame for himself. And, horribly, he wasn't alone.