"I'm SO glad Kickstarter and GoFundMe and the rest are helping me to NEVER grow up, and ALWAYS rely on favors. Mum and Dad just never did enough for me. But let's not get too Freudian as to why I insist my problems should be YOURS.
"I'm fascinated by diseases, such as false pride, conceit, egomania, and being a fat repulsive twat. While other people are out working, and dealing with the mundane miseries of jobs they don't like, I sit around...drawing twats! Like so!
"This is a sick twat! It'll give you an Ill Fuck! (Tee hee! >3 hun, :) and ^$*^!) Fap! Zowie!)
"No, all seriousness aside, I drew this twat myself. As you see, there's something wrong. It's got an arrow pointing into it!
"It was attacked by Indians. No, not the hummus-faced diaper-wearing type of Indians that don't like Pakis. I mean those American Indian creatures with the bows and arrows.
"There's also some sticky things on one of the labia. This happens to ME all the time. I stick a pack of Life Savers in my mouth all at the same time. Since I sit around naked (it's hard to find clothes that fit me), I drool and a Life Saver or two slip out. Oops, they end up stuck to my twat-lips!
"All kinds of things go wrong with twats, from herpes to syphilis, and from yeast infections to pulling out a tampon and seeing that it's now batter-dipped.
"I'd like to draw an entire SET of TWAT CARDS. "The twat is art!" I think Paul Simon said that.
"Anyhoo, I'd like YOU to help ME to make money FOR MYSELF. I'll sell the cards at fairs, in front of schools, on Ebay, and in the ladies room of the Grimsby Telegraph. Here's another twat!
"Ewww, hairy! This demonstrates my other idea; twat business cards!
"The idea is you buy a set of custom-drawn twat cards. You introduce yourself: "Hello, I'm Hans. I'm a twat. Here's my card."
"On the back is a list of your blogs, fake names, physical and mental diseases, and how much you like SOFT music and ZUNSHINE. And gouda. And using tampons anally. And your affection for Southerners who pretend to be dead. And how you can't stop giggling whenever anyone says 'BUSH.'
"Most people who are fat and ugly are shy. DON'T BE! Be arrogant, pushy and obnoxious, like Hans. And like...ME!
"I drew myself with a lot of herpes warts. It's just a matter of time, really. I thought I'd do it NOW so I wouldn't have to update the card later.
"In the old days, people worked, saved their money, and if they had an urge to publish a vanity record or book, they simply did it. They didn't ask strangers to indulge their egomania. They didn't pester their "friends" to donate money for their own vainglorious bullshit.
"Here's another thing of the past: if people had an actually good business idea, they went to a bank for financing.
"If somebody had faith in their art, they did it ON SPEC, for the JOY of it, and then sold it if they could. If a record label, art gallery or book company wasn't interested, well, that's how it goes. Now? The 'paradigm' NOW is we brats expect others to pay for our wants. Not our needs. Just shit we want.
"Thanks to free sites like Kickstarter, I can pester the world FREEEEE! Gee, it would be terrible if one day places like GOOTUBE and GOFUNDME actually made you PAY MONEY for the bandwidth you waste.
"For now, lah dee frickin' dah, everyone! Don't forget to LIKE my project, DONATE to me, tell me how WONDERFUL I am, and most of all, agree with me that I am one hell of a card-carrying TWAT!"
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