"How can the Jenners or Kardashians be boring? It's just so fascinating to watch their "reality" shows and see them bicker, try on dresses, go to parties, and walk through airports! WOW!
"I just love it that ordinary people get the chance to be boring stars, too. They turn up on "reality" shows and "talk" shows whining about being fat, or not knowing who the father of their black baby is. I'm ENTRANCED!
"But I admit, I myself, am boring. I am an overgrown, pudgy, over-aged fanboy. And Christ, am I boring. If you scroll my FARCEBOOK page, I'm just another drone with enough pension money to attend mediocre shows by has-beens and then wait backstage to get my photo taken with them. I have nothing better to do than go to dopey memorabilia conventions, and haunt bookstore signings.
OOOH LOOK AT MEEEEEEE.
"Not everyone is such a pathetic bore that he wants to have his picture taken with a washed-up ballplayer. Oh, maybe 100 losers stood in line to get an autograph on Jerry Rice's book, but me, I had to make sure to get a PHOTO OF MYSELF WITH HIM.
"That's how BORING I am.
"And did you read what I wrote? Yes, tiresome, condescending middle-class Jew that I am, I dutifully told my yenta friends that Mr. Rice was a "nice guy" and "great to meet." BORING! You can just imagine me assuring this schvatza, "I'm going to tell all my friends how NICE you were to me." You can just imagine his eyelids start to close.
"Here's a picture of me with, yes, you guessed it, the SON OF OLD BLUE EYES HIMSELF! WOW!
"Frankie looks JUST like his Dad. Yammer yammer! Yada yada! Sorry, Roger Waters, I'm one of those "pushy Jews" who waits at a stage door and asks for a photo op. And guys like Frank Jr. who don't have anything better to do anyway, know that I might bring THE WHOLE FAMILY next time he performs. So he poses with me like I'm his long lost pair of underpants.
"Do I have the most boring self-serving, downright dopiest page on FARCEBOOK? No, Bill Hoobastank does, but I'm close! I've got the SCHMUCKIEST. Hello out there, how many Jews reading this are instantly becoming antisemitic? Bill just shows pictures of his grimacing self. I grandly add tedious copy about what an honor it was to see some D-lister, and what a good time I had, and how "nice" stars are. I want to make them feel good. Believe me, a lot of them have nothing better to do than search FARCEBOOK for their names and get reassured by drones like ME. I'm BORING but not to bored, hapless D-listers who get a faint buzz seeing a jerk being giddy just to be near them.
"I went to some smelly delicatessen that was holding a book signing or something...not only did I get to meet Charlotte Rae (a minor American sitcom actress who wrote a book that was probably self-published) LOOK WHO I GOT A PICTURE OF MYSELF WITH! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??
"You really have to be over 70 and a total PUTZ to know who this woman is, or want a selfie with her. Honestly, have I bored you to tears, yet?
"Stars are boring? If it's boring to see another picture of Viley Virus showing, yet again, her cupcake titties and her dopey tongue, how about an old Jew who can't stop taking pictures with D-listers and has-beens, with an indulgent smirk on his puss? Oh, excuse me, the cat isn't in any of the pictures.
"Here I am posing with a washed-up transvestite boxer named Oscar De Something Or Other. De la Renta? I don't know. I'm too old to fuck, so I'm not a star fucker. I'm just a BORE, that's all. Isn't it embarrassing that I have to call attention to myself with a FARCEBOOK page, and pretend to my even more boring friends that I'm somehow friends with these celebrities?
"What IS the dumbass illusion here? You see this picture and you think I can call this guy up any time I want? Or he would know my name if you showed him this crumb-faced mugshot?
"Were you impressed with ANY of these pictures? I'm never with anyone actually currently famous. I am usually paying to get the photo, or buying my way into the event. I am an utter NOBODY. But to some even more boring losers, I'm Mr. Show Biz!
"So when people tell you how boring it is to see Bieber over and over again, and Beckham over and over again, and listen to poofters like Takei and McKellen arch their eyebrows on talk shows and get all tittery whenever they say the word "blow," just remember...at least they have some minor talent. I'm a fucking BORE and all I have is disposable income...and a set of photos that when I die will go into a garbage disposal faster than I'm shoved six feet under!"
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.