MEAT SHAUNA CUNTWELL

Shauna Cuntwell is VERY concerned that she retain her girlish figure — and NOT get pregnant. She says, "The GUYS I wave to in my GooTube videos think I'll let them inside my shaved "miley," or in the back, pulling my ass cheeks apart and jamming it up my "kanye."

"Actually I'm such a tease I don't even do blow jobs. Although maybe if I don't get anywhere getting GUYS to pay for my songs on Fiverr or Kickstarter, I might do some "pay to play." If only to raise money for a new microphone, sound system and singing lessons. Not that I'm not absolutely brilliant already! In the meantime, I sublimate my sexual urges.

"I use SAUSAGES!"

She explained it all in a video that those meanies at GooTube pulled. "I don't understand what was wrong," Shauna huffs. "I've put in Fiverr ads, I've done tours of my home, I've done all kinds of stupid things on GooTube. Why not a lecture on dick substitutes?"

Judge for yourself. This blog offers screencaps from that forbidden video, and transcripts of what Shauna said.

The video started with Shauna's usual greeting.

"HI GUYS. I suck and fuck meat! I hear there was some rock star guy, AGES ago, maybe the 1920's, named Frank Zeppo. He sang about a "burnt weenie sandwich" or something. I like a burnt weenie up my twat, especially if it's extra bumpy."

"It's a bratwurst, because I'm such a brat! Bratwurst can be made out of veal, mad cow, an Adele fan, or even a sheep. I like the sheep-filled bratwurst, which I call…ready for it…a Ewe Tube! Hee hee!"

"My goodness! A pair of saveloys. You can't tell which is which. Not at first. After I pull them out of my twat and asshole, and slide them under your nose, maybe you can tell exactly where each has been. Maybe not. Next...

"Here I am with a good old fashioned hot dog in my bun. Where's the mustard? In my hair!

"Have you ever had oral sex with a turtle? A leper? A black person? I think the experience is similar to how I feel when I suck a chorizo.

"A chorizo is a spicy sausage that causes allergic reactions. It makes my brain swell to the point I can only talk in a high squeaky voice and say inanities.

"Last but not least, I want to tell you GUYS out there, that I will ONLY fuck and suck with meat I get at Tesco. Take a look at this picture and imagine it's your dick.

"That's right, you can shove it up against my chin, spoon it at me, even try and make me eat it off a fork, and I'll still CLAM UP!

"For now, I only insert sausages in any of my holes. Oh, I once a packed a condom with a pound of my dog's shit, but it wasn't firm enough to insert in my twat or ass. I could only suck on it. I must say, it was a much more arousing experience when I simultaneously jammed a sausage in my twat AND thumped a few few pork faggots in my ass."

"One of my fans, who loves "sunshine pop," and wishes he looked like me, is a big fat Dutchman I call "Hansy the Pansy." He keeps asking me to send him my knickers, but never offers payment. He thinks I should download them from my legs for free. He e-mailed and said, "I'll pay postage, that's enough! That was my offer when I wanted Beach Boys VHS tapes from Americans."

"He also told me that I should thaw the faggots before inserting them in my ass. He said that he used to come to America and visit the West Village in January, where the streets were full of frozen faggots. He experimented with cold and warmed up faggots until he found the right consistency for his mouth and/or rectum.

"One time he called me up and confided, "My favorite type of porn is the stuff my friend Terry Beard sells on eBay. It shows little blonde girls getting stuffed by a big chocolate covered..."

"I didn't quite understand his thick Dutch accent. But I guess I'll try it one day. I'll bend over for a Nogger!"