Carly Simon always had a BIG mouth. Now she BORES with it.

Oh, what NEWS today. Taking a break from Madonna weeping in Stockholm while $200-a-seat nitwits sing "Like a Prayer" with her, and paying no attention to other musical geniuses like Taylor Swift, the media sites are ALL shouting about CARLY SIMON's non-news.

JESUS CHRIST.

I like Carly. At one time I bought her albums (long time ago). I felt bad for her stage fright. I also felt bad that her best songs were either co-writes, or written by someone else, (or, dare I mention it, ghost-written with her name on them when she got so popular she wasn't about to let even one track make money for a Mark "Moogy" Klingman).

That said, ENOUGH ALREADY. It was also pretty fucking sad when, she was reduced to selling a new CD via Starbucks. Remember that? When Starbucks had a display of Yuppie-sap music CDs on Dylan, Carly and other aging singer songwriters?

Carly's was just her greatest hits sung over again in a less pleasing, menopausal voice. At the time the media was assuring Starbucks jerks that if they bought the album and turned up the volume, they'd hear Carly WHISPER THE NAME of the VAIN MAN.

Talk about vanity. The whispered name, by the way, was, of course, WARREN BEATTY.

So what the FUCK is going on now?

Carly's career is over and she's writing her memoir, and she wants people to care. Or her publisher is demanding she beat the drum.

She did an interview with PEOPLE (yes, the same magazine that decided after all this time that Beckham is the sexiest man alive). In it she says, "I have confirmed that the second verse is Warren."

You have CONFIRMED? What, didn't you write the fucking song? Where did you go for confirmation?

Oh. I get it. Having spilled the beans already, she is NOW saying that ONLY the "SECOND VERSE" is about him. Ahhh. And we all care about who was vain OVER 40 YEARS AGO to a non-Jewish girl with the widest mouth this side of a sea bass.

"Warren thinks the whole thing is about him!" says Carly. Well, yeah, she sang, "You probably think this song is about you, don't you, don't you?" She didn't sing, "You probably think the second verse is about you..."

The verse now "confirmed" to be about Warren is: "You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive. Well you said that we made such a pretty pair and that you would never leave."

Which means somebody ELSE had an apricot scarf and watched himself gavotte? Ohhhh, come on Colin, you Aussie lazy-eyed singer, give me a chorus of..."WHO COULD IT BE NOW...WHO COULD IT BE NOW..."

Thanks. At least we know it wasn't YOU, Colin. As people with Carly-flowered ears can tell you, back in 1989, to the inappropriately titled magazine FAME, she insisted the song was a "composite," and was about more than one guy. Which is what you'd expect. As an artist, you rarely base any character on only one person. If I wanted to write about a total asshole of a fuck-brain pirate, I might create a monster that was only PART Zinny, PART Boot-sale Senile Twit, PART Dutch-Douche, or Christer the Blister or Kim Fatcunt.

So when her book comes out, everyone will quote whatever she says: "The first line is Mick Jagger, then Kris Kristofferson. I had a bit about David Cassidy who has a notoriously big dick but I left out the "you had a big dick" line, but I'll re-do the song and add it if any record company on the planet would actually sign me up again."

That's still no reason to buy her book is it? Maybe she'll also let us know that the "Boys in the Trees" were The Monkees.