Aretha: A NATURAL WALRUS

One (of the MANY) things I hate about FARCEBOOK, is that assholes can add all their friends' names to a post. Which means all their friends automatically get it on their timeline (whether they want to or not) and THEIR friends automatically see it too. Christ, I barely like half the people I'm friends with, I sure as fuck don't like 99% of THEIR idiot friends, especially ones with the poor manners to force their crap on everyone.

That's like being in a restaurant and seeing some jerk at the next table get up and start sprinkling salt on everyone's food: "I love salt! You'll like it, too!" And then somebody at the table makes eye contact with me, gets up, and pours salt on MY food. "Here, you'll probably like it too, because my friend says so!"  

WHAT THE FUCK.

If I post something on my fucking time line, I expect my FRIENDS will see it if they care. I think it's fucking PUSHY to insist on typing in every friend's name so they HAVE TO SEE IT, and it's automatically posted to every friend's friend.

I did NOT want to see a fucking GOOTUBE video of Aretha Monkey Franklin bellowing her sweaty mouth. But some FUCKHEAD posted it like a fucking chain letter and I had to be annoyed by it. 

Yeah, there she is, three hundred pounds of diva dung, coating her flabby elephant-shit body in a FUR COAT. And some moron has to let us know, in case we're not aware of who "Aretha Franklin" is, or "Natural Woman" that..."THIS IS FREAKING AWESOME."

Yeah, two of my favorite words: FREAKING and AWESOME. Nice going, duuuuuuuuuuuude. 

He posted the fucking GooTube link. 

It started to play, and she was so ugly, and the audience members SO retarded, I did some screen caps. 

This loudmouth ubangi's performance was for a "Kennedy Centers Honors Show," where five random celebrities who are still alive, get given silly looking medals. O'Bam Bam drapes them around each celebrity's neck. FREAKING AWESOME.

Each celebrity is serenaded with a "tribute." Since the person is usually singer or songwriter, you guessed it, five or six media whores come out to sing cover versions. So Pile O' Grits Aretha was singing "Natural Woman" to honor what's her name, Carole somebody or other. And O'Bam Bam put a silly looking gold medal around Carole's neck, like the 80 year-old bitch just won the 200 meter breaststroke. 

I don't have a picture of O'Bam Bam and his wife watching the show. Above? I think that's Diana Ross and Al Green. Aren't they super COOL? They're diggin' ARETHA! 

Flip Wilson, as a JOKE, and dressed in DRAG, used to snap his fingers and holler, "RAY CHARLES!" What else did you need to say? Ha ha. The use of somebody's name to denote coolness? I'm sure Mick Jagger's sneered "Muddy Waters" just as Eric Clapton's muttered, "Robert Johnson." So, a lot of lame-ass white people like to nod their head and interject their choice: "Mmm, Miles Davis." or "Bird!" or "I love me some Temps!" (Yeah, I knew white idiot nerd teens who didn't care about The Beatles; they'd strut around and slap five to their friends and grin and say "THE TEMPS!") 

The jerk who posted this fucking GooTube wrote "FREAKING AWSOME" on the top, and then, doubling down, on the bottom just two words: "ARETHA FRANKLIN!" 

I mean, nudge-nudge wink-wink SAY NO MORE! Especially if you're as white and ridiculous looking as Eric Idle. 

IF I'M BEING HONEST...

Most people couldn't stand 10 minutes of the bitch, no matter how talented she is. Her R&B shit is overdone and overripe and the longer she's been at it, the more phony she's become. 

A little known fact for most people, is that this SOUL standard, "A Natural Woman," was written by a pair of JEWS. The music was written by a plain-faced yenta who used to be called Carole Klein. More importantly, the words...those fucking fabulous words about feeling like "A NATURAL WOMAN" were written by a JEWISH MAN, Gerry Goffin. 

At this "Honors" show, Gerry was nowhere to be seen. He may have been dead already. Or just not invited, because Goffin was a bit of an eccentric and everybody loved Carole instead. So fuck HIM. At the show, where the former Carole Klein was being honored as one of the five most deserving Americans of the year, she was practically wetting her panties over ARETHA's bawling.

Jesus. Moses. Look at that fucking yenta holy-rolling her eyes. She wrote the fucking song, she's heard it thousands of times, she's heard EVERYBODY sing it, she's heard ARETHA singing it probably a hundred times, and now she's acting like the red sea is about to part. And we know that can't happen because she's passed menopause. 

She's thinking: "Oy oy oy! The schvatza is singing MINE song! Sure, I wrote it, but it takes a cleaning woman to do it justice! Soul? I have no soul? Me and my schmucky husband wrote it, but feh. FEH! Look at this bitch go!"

Yeah, look at her. The obese blob of fat needs to wear a FUR COAT on stage, when the lights are blazing and everybody's sweating?? This slob generates so much heat she can't wear a nose ring because it melts. 

As for the jerk who posted this "FREAKING AWESOME" video, I hope he's driving home on the Jersey freeway, gets stalled, and three black guys come out of the bushes and beat his ass. I mean BEAT HIS ASS. And while he's saying, "I was just listening to my Aretha Franklin CD...she's fucking awesome," they throw him out of the car and burn rubber. His car ends up sold for parts by a player in Newark, and the white guy is in traction for a month, and can't teach his fucking New Jersey school brats about how awful all the founding fathers were (except Alexander Hamilton, star of that hip-hip Broadway show he's seen five times). 

Aretha Franklin, the living legend? Why not drop dead already, bitch. Why not be as dead as the animals that were killed to make that circus-tent-sized fur coat?